


The Promise

by winterchild23



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, Post-High School
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2020-01-12 13:29:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 81,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18447539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterchild23/pseuds/winterchild23
Summary: Rachel rejects Quinn on their graduation day, but she promises Quinn to date her when they meet again and are both single. What will happen when Quinn and Rachel meet at Santana and Brittany's wedding seven years later? AU after Season 3.





	1. Chapter 1

A/N: So this is my first Faberry fanfic in around eight years I used to write about them when I was a teen. Even though much time has passed, Faberry has always had a special place in my heart. So finally, I decided to write about them again! I got this fiction mostly planned out already and I've written almost thirty percent or so, so expect some updates in the near future. Also please let me know what you think through a review, I'd really appreciate it!

Chapter 1

Quinn stepped through the side door of the auditorium and as soon as the door closed behind her the sounds of music and cheering became muted. The blonde inhaled deeply and took a few steps into the abandoned and only dimly lit corridor. She reached for the hat matching her red graduation robe and looked at it absentmindedly. Finally, she had reached the end of high school, so she could leave this place she hated so much. But it also meant leaving Rachel.

It had taken her long enough, but now Quinn was able to admit to herself that she was in love with Rachel. She had been for a while, but it had cost her a lot to stop fighting against it. But eventually, she had grown too tired of burying her feelings under a pile of disbelief, fear and insecurity.

Quinn wanted to tell Rachel about her feelings and she really had tried a few times, but she somehow had missed opportunity after opportunity and every time she had managed to foster up the courage, the moment got ruined by either Rachel talking about Finn or a sudden interruption by one of their friends.

Quinn knew that tonight would be the last chance to confess to Rachel before their ways would part. That's why a few days ago, when she was lying in bed and stared at the dark ceiling above her, she made a promise to herself. On the day of their graduation she would tell Rachel everything - but only if the brunette would come to find her after she left the auditorium. If Rachel wouldn't even notice her absence, Quinn's case was a hopeless one anyways

Quinn squeezed the hat in her fist as she walked down the corridor. The noise was becoming fainter and her steps slower. She briefly turned around but there was no one there. Her heart sunk and she lowered her head in defeat while she got closer to the end of the corridor. She'd just walk out the door and leave, so she could disappear into the night and take her feelings with her.

But then the music and chattering got louder for a second or two before it was muted once more.

A few small steps echoed from the halls and a voice called: "Quinn!"

Quinn froze and briefly contemplated whether she should just walk out of the exit that she had almost reached by now. But she couldn't do that. She had to face it.

Slowly, she turned her head so she could see the other end of the corridor. There she was, beautiful and perfect as always. The girl that would never be hers

"Quinn, where are you going?", Rachel asked after she closed the distance between them. She looked concerned and Quinn's heart jumped because she saw the sincerity in her eyes. At least Rachel cared for her somehow. The ever so slight spark of hope that – maybe - Rachel was feeling something more than friendship for her welled up inside Quinn's heart once more and it caused the blonde to smile. Quinn was well aware that she was being irrational, but she had never been able to let the spark die. Sometimes she had been convinced she had noticed something in Rachel's gaze or in the way she would touch her arm that was different than before. The blonde wasn't able to exactly define this difference, but she could sense it. At least it sounded so much better to her than admitting that everything might just be her own over-interpretation and imagination.

"It felt too stuffy in there", Quinn replied. "I just wanted to get some fresh air."

Rachel nodded but remained silent. Quinn bit her lip and knew that this was the moment. She had to tell her. Now or never.

"ut before she could muster up the courage, Rachel spoke up again. "Will we still be friends?", she asked with uncertainty in her voice. "I mean after this?" She tugged at her red graduation robe. "I did some research and it says that on average people only remain in contact with three out of all their high school friends and even though I love everybody in Glee club, if I had to choose, I would want you to be one of these three people. Do you think that'd be possible?" Rachel blushed and ducked her head a little.

Quinn chuckled at the smaller girl's adorable ranting and reached out for her hand. Both girls fell silent for a second and gazed down at their intertwined hands.

"Don't worry", Quinn reassured eventually. "Of course we'll stay in touch".

"Can you promise me?" Rachel asked and looked up into Quinn's eyes.

"I promise", Quinn replied with a soft smile. Her heart was beating rapidly from the sensation of holding the brunette's soft hand in hers and the brown eyes seemed to burn into her skin. The giddiness caused Quinn's palms to get sweaty, so she let go of Rachel's hand reluctantly.

Rachel smiled contently before pointing towards the door leading into the auditorium. "Should we get back in there, then?" she asked.

"Quinn was unable to speak and only barely nodded. She mentally screamed at herself for not saying anything. 'You promised this, Quinn Fabray!', she thought. 'Today is the day…'

But why would the words not leave her mouth? They were clearly on her tongue already. "I am in love with you Rachel!", is what she wanted to scream so she could finally get rid of the weight that was pressing down on her shoulders since long ago, sometimes making it hard to breathe properly.

'I am in love with you.' She only had to pronounce six short words, but it felt like the hardest task ever.

"I…" Quinn did not recognize her own voice. It sounded weak and far away. But it had definitely escaped from her mouth, because Rachel turned around and looked at her expectantly.

"Do you now want to go back inside?", she asked.

"No, I…", Quinn tried again while her heart was beating so fast, she thought Rachel must be able to hear it.

"I am in love", Quinn whispered. She looked up at Rachel who was about to say something, but Quinn was faster.

"With you."

After hearing the words finally being spoken out loud, Quinn stopped breathing and just looked at Rachel, her heart hammering in her chest and her blood rushing uncomfortably loudly in her ears.

When the realization hit Rachel, her eyes widened in surprise. Quinn was in love with her. That was unexpected. At least kind of. She thought back to all the moments of innocent intimacy they had shared over the past year. A slightly longer than average hug here, an intense look into each other's eyes there… Quinn's regular outbursts after she heard about her engagement with Finn, which had Rachel thinking more than once about the blonde's true intentions.

"Quinn…" Rachel whispered, not yet knowing what to respond to the confession she had just received.

"I know you don't feel the same", Quinn blurted out before Rachel could continue. Of course Rachel did not feel the same. She never did. She had expected this reaction and despite the rejection it felt good to finally be freed of the weight of her own feelings.

"You remember when I asked you about the song back then? Whether you sang it to Finn and only Finn?", Quinn asked with a much steadier voice than before.

Rachel nodded as her gaze drifted away, so she could properly recollect that moment. Of course she remembered. Especially how she had felt after confirming that she had indeed sung the song to Finn and only him. Somehow the answer had seemed so wrong, even though she actually had prepared the song with the boy in mind. But then every time she sung the song, his image in her head became blurry and she could've sworn she'd seen Quinn's smile instead. But of course she would've never admitted that.

Quinn reached for Rachel's hand once more and ran her thump over the back of her hand. Quinn's hand felt cool, but pleasantly so.

"This was the moment I gave up", Quinn continued quietly. "It made me finally realize that I'd never become the one you love. That Finn will always be there and that this is what you want. I wished so many times that you were mine, but I know I don't stand a chance. Still, I wanted to tell you at least. You deserve to know and also having too many secrets is never a good idea, as you know, I had to learn the hard way." Quinn chuckled humorlessly while she continued to caress Rachel's hand.

"When did you start having those feelings for me?" Rachel asked while she was still trying to sort out her own thoughts. Usually it was her, who did most of the talking between the two of them, but now she had no idea what to say, so she settled for the first question coming to her mind.

Quinn smiled. "Pretty much when I first got to know you. Well, obviously I didn't realize it fast enough. If I had, who knows…maybe things would be different right now…" She trailed off, because she didn't want to finish the thought. It'd hurt too much.

"Thanks for telling me Quinn", Rachel said sincerely. "You're a very brave person."

"I'm a coward", Quinn replied with a smile. "If I were brave, I would've told you way earlier. But I was too busy running from my own feelings." Quinn shook her head. "I'm rather pathetic, I guess."

"No!", Rachel protested. Out of all the people in this stupid high school Quinn was surely the least pathetic one. "You are an amazing person, Quinn", Rachel said and carefully lifted up Quinn's chin so that she would look directly into her eyes. "I have never admired anyone more than I do admire you – except for Barbara, but you know what I mean. You are the only person who knows the real me. And I loved every minute we spent together over the past year, because you always made me feel special."

"But?", Quinn asked more cynically than she had intended. In her imagination it sounded like she definitely did a better job than Finn.

"I do love you Quinn", Rachel answered. "You are a very special person in my life and one of the best friends I've ever had. But you know I am with Finn and we're planning our future together." She tried to smile and it was hard to tell whether it was out of sympathy or out of regret.

Quinn bit her lower lip and briefly averted her eyes from Rachel's. Of course it was Finn. It always was Finn. And it would always be Finn. And even though she had longed to hear those three words, they were pretty much meaningless in the context Rachel used them. Especially when Finn was the one who got to hear them the way Quinn wanted to.

"Okay", Quinn whispered and let go of Rachel's hand. "Go back inside then. Finn might be looking for you already", she added and turned away from Rachel.

She inhaled deeply and clenched her fingers in order to calm herself down from the nervousness that was still rushing through her veins. She wanted to get out of this stupid school. And sometimes she wanted to get out of this life as well. So why not start the process by getting out of this building already? But when Quinn was just about to walk towards the exit, Rachel reached for her wrist and held her back.

"Quinn, wait", she pleaded. The diva didn't think about what she was doing, because she knew there was no time for thinking. If she didn't act now Quinn might be gone from her life for good, but she desperately wanted to keep the blonde in her life, because she loved her so much, even though it was just as a friend.

"Rachel, please", Quinn protested while turning around to face the other girl. "I really need some space now."

"Let me just tell you one thing", Rachel said as she let go of Quinn's wrist and slipped her hand into Quinn's. "You should know that if my relationship status were any different, I'd totally consider getting romantically involved with you."

Quinn couldn't decide whether to roll her eyes at the brunette's choice of vocabulary or laugh at her lack of realistic thinking. Woulds and coulds wouldn't make the situation any better for either of them.

"I have to admit, that I sometimes felt a certain attraction towards you, which might have extended beyond the limits of friendship a bit" Rachel admitted bashfully.

"You did?", Quinn replied, rising an eyebrow. She had no idea what Rachel was getting at, but decided to hear the brunette out.

Rachel nodded eagerly, which caused her hat to shift a little, but she didn't bother putting it back into position because then she would've to let go of Quinn's hand. And Quinn's hand felt nice.

"I know it probably sounds crazy and many people actually don't mean it and say it just for fun, but I mean it", Rachel said becoming more enthusiastic with every word while an idea was manifesting in her mind.

"I don't understand anything", Quinn replied, confused about what Rachel was trying to say. She wished she had gotten out of the building already. But who can say no to one Rachel Barbara Berry? Exactly.

"Let's promise each other something", Rachel replied and looked directly into Quinn's hazel eyes. Her breath got stuck in her throat when she finally recognized the admiration and love Quinn felt for her. Rachel wondered how she never noticed before when it had been so obviously written in Quinn's eyes all along.

"A promise?" Quinn asked skeptically. "That I'll attend you and Finn's next wedding?"

Rachel flinched at the sarcasm in Quinn's voice but tried not be too affected by it. She knew that Quinn was hurting because of her and might sound harsher than she intended.

"No, nothing like that", Rachel shook her head.

"So?" Quinn asked impatiently. br /Rachel took a deep breath and tried to calm down. She'd probably start ranting very soon like she always did when she felt nervous. "I know that we'll both be very busy with our lives after graduation and we probably won't meet very often, even though I hope we do- but, that's not important right now, what I actually want to ask is: if we meet at some point in the future where both you and I are single, how about we try dating then?"

"So you mean something like the infamous 'if we're not married by forty let's marry each other?'-thing?" Quinn asked incredulously. "You do happen to know that nobody actually does that, right?"

"But we can be different!", Rachel protested. "Of course, if you meet someone and are happy with that person, you can just forget about me. I don't expect you to have these feelings for me forever. But I mean just hypothetically speaking if it ever were to come to that and if we'd still feel some attraction…", Rachel stopped talking because she felt like she was failing in bringing across the point.

Somehow the thought about Quinn's feelings possible vanishing hurt her more than she'd admit, but she knew that she was being selfish. She the one that had broken Quinn's heart, so how could she ever expect anything from the blonde?

"But you'll be married to Finn in a few years anyways, so you'll never be single again", Quinn whined while trying to stop her imagination from creating pictures of her stabbing the boy to death. And anyways, how did Rachel come up with a ridiculous idea like that? She clearly watched too many romantic comedies.

"Well, one can never know what'll happen", Rachel countered.

Quinn raised her eyebrows and looked at the smaller girl. She imagined what it'd be like if she were hers. If she were the one to hold her hand every day and to help her become the famous singer she wanted to be so badly. She was positive that Finn did nothing to help Rachel become the person she wanted to be. He only ever managed to bring out the worst in the girl. Who knew, maybe Rachel would finally realize it someday, too.

Quinn made a hesitant step forward and pulled Rachel into an embrace. She wrapped her arms around the tiny girl and inhaled the scent of her hair that was tickling her nose. When she felt Rachel's small hands digging into the fabric of her gown, Quinn couldn't hold back a tear and she had to clear her throat to prevent herself from sobbing.

"Do you love him?" Quinn whispered after a moment of silent holding onto each other. She closed her eyes and buried her face into Rachel's thick hair as she felt her heart starting to pound rapidly in her chest once more.

The question surprised Rachel and she didn't know what to say. While she ran her hand over Quinn's back, she felt the other girl's heartbeat against her chest and her breath against her hair. The embrace was so much more intimate than the ones they had shared before, but at the same time it felt so familiar and right. Rachel closed her eyes and tried thinking about Finn and how he made her feel, but somehow the obvious answer didn't seem right. Rachel realized that it didn't matter whether she said yes or no, because both answers would essentially be a lie. So instead of answering, she pressed her lips together and just remained silent.

'Maybe after all it isn't Finn and only Finn anymore?', Quinn thought when she didn't get an answer to her question. Maybe Rachel was right. Who knew what the future would bring? She could be dead tomorrow, so why not do something silly today?

Quinn took a step back from Rachel and looked at her. The brunette looked confused and miserable, even though she wasn't the rejected one. Quinn reached out and briefly caressed Rachel's cheek to cheer her up a little. Then she pulled back her hand and instead extended her little finger in front of the diva's face.

Quinn smirked before she asked: "Rachel Barbara Berry, if we meet again and both happen to be single at that time, would you want to go out with me then?"

Rachel just stared at the outstretched little finger in front of her face and couldn't believe that Quinn really just asked her that. But then a feeling of relief took over and she started giggling. "It would be my pleasure, Lucy Quinn Fabray."

Then she extended her own finger and entwined it with Quinn's.

"Promise?", Rachel asked.

"Promise."

After a second, Quinn let go of Rachel's finger and put her hat back on. "Now please allow me to go home and wallow in my self-pity, because I just got my heart broken", she said dryly, but with the hint of a smile.

"Okay, but we're still friends, right?", Rachel asked anxiously.

"Kind of", Quinn replied with a wink. Then she turned around and walked out of the door.

"Rachel sighed as she looked after the blonde and wondered when she'd see her again. Only after Quinn had long disappeared, she turned around and walked into the opposite direction. Back to the auditorium and back to Finn.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

February 2019

It just wasn't right. Something sounded off. But what exactly could it be? Quinn played the last three chords once more while looking at the sheet music. She switched one of the chords for a c-minor, but still wasn't satisfied with the way the passage sounded. Deep wrinkles were forming on her forehead as she stared at the piano keyboard until she punched it in frustration, filling the room with an unpleasant sound.

"That didn't sound too bad, though," a voice behind her back suddenly said.

Quinn turned her head and found her roommate Lola leaning against the door frame that separated the small music room from their living room.

"Not too bad, huh?," Quinn said sarcastically. "I need this to be perfect. Who knows if I'll ever get a chance like this again!", - Quinn cried out and plunged her head on the keyboard.

"Come on, Quinn, you still have more than one month to finish this," Lola tried to comfort her. She stepped into the room and placed her hand on Quinn's shoulder. The blonde groaned before she slowly detached her head from the piano.

Lola laughed when she noticed Quinn's messy hair standing all over the place. She had to admit that the fringed bob cut looked amazing on Quinn, even in a disastrous state like that. After all it had been her who had convinced the pretty blonde to change her style a little after college graduation.

Quinn finally turned around fully and looked up to Lola, who was in her chill-out-at-home clothes and had her dark hair up in a bun. She was happy to have her around, even though she often had to listen to her scolding. Otherwise she would've long gone crazy beyond repair. Lola had lived with her since their junior year of college. Back then, Quinn had decided to move out of the dorms, because her roommates had all been some kind of 'music geniuses' with according attitudes. They were annoying, self-centered and at times crazy as hell, even though Quinn had to admit that she would be just like them sometimes, too. But at least not all the damn time.

Lola had been one of the girls who replied to her announcement that she was looking for a roommate. The two had gotten along right away and were complimenting each other quite well. Lola was thoughtful and kind, not too chaotic in the house and the best thing was that she did not study any creative discipline but economics. So she never annoyed Quinn with rants about inspiration and all that stuff that she had to endure during the last years. Plus, she had learned cooking from her mother, who was Mexican, so Quinn was able to enjoy the most delicious quesadilla from time to time.

"Yeah you're right", Quinn admitted and sighed as she tried to straighten her hair.

"How about releasing some stress tonight?", Lola suggested. "It's a Friday night and we haven't been out for a while."

"That's what you always say. But partying and drinking cannot be the solution to everything," Quinn said only half-seriously, because going out on Friday nights was kind of their ritual, so both of them knew that they would eventually end up in one of the many bars in their neighborhood.

"I'll be ready by eight", Lola smirked and walked out of the room to watch some Netflix like she always did when she had a day off.

Quinn mustered the still incomplete sheet music she had to prepare for her next project, which was the biggest one she had worked on so far. She was composing the instrumental OST for an indie movie by a director who was quickly rising to stardom in the scene. This movie could become not only the director's but also Quinn's breakthrough in the movie and TV industry.

'I might've long reached this point if I had moved to California already,' Quinn thought to herself. But that would mean leaving New York. And leaving New York would mean leaving the city where she lived. Not that it would make any difference since she hadn't seen her in more than two years now.

Quinn huffed, because she didn't want to think about her now. Not now and not ever if possible. So she detached her eyes from the sheet music and got up to leave the music room. Lola was right, she still had enough time to work on the project later.

"Have you checked the mail yet?", Quinn asked Lola who was sitting on the couch with her iPad in her hands.

"Ah sorry, I forgot." Lola replied. "Should I get it?"

"No, don't worry, I want to get some exercise anyways. I'll go get it."

Quinn left their apartment and headed down the stairs. Their building didn't have an elevator, but she usually didn't mind, since she got a nice workout each time she left or came back to the house. Unfortunately, it was less enjoyable when she was coming back drunk, like she and Lola probably were about to tonight.

Quinn reached the narrow hallway and headed over to post box 501. She peeked through the slit and saw that something was inside. So she took out her keys and opened the post box. She found two white standard envelopes, which looked like maintenance bills, and one larger light pink envelope, which was addressed to her. She turned it in her hands to check the backside for the sender.

Santana Lopez? Quinn looked at the envelope in surprise. She hadn't heard from the Latina in more than a year, which was mainly Quinn's fault, because she sucked at staying in touch with people from her past.

With a slight tremble in her hands Quinn ripped the envelope open and pulled out a foldable card of the same color.

The front side read:

'Wedding invitation'.

Quinn opened the card and her eyes were immediately drawn to the picture which was printed on the left side. It showed Santana and Brittany, both wearing matching floral dresses, in front of a blooming cherry tree. Brittany was holding a striped kitten and looked at it with a huge smile on her face while Santana was looking at Brittany. Even through the picture, Quinn could see how much Santana not only loved but utterly adored the blonde.

Then Quinn's eyes moved to the writing next to the picture.

'Santana Lopez & Brittany S. Pierce

Invite you to join them on their wedding day.

May 11th 4 p.m.

Lopez Residence and Garden, Lima, Ohio.

You may bring your partner and/or pet. Especially if it is a cat or a duck.'

Quinn stared at the dark stain in the middle of the card which hadn't been there earlier. A second tear was starting to make its way down her cheek, but she wiped it away. With slightly trembling hands she read the wedding invitation once more, while raindrops where beginning to plunge against the front door.

XVX

Rachel sighed when she heard the sound of rain from outside her window. She walked up to the pane and watched New York getting drained. She hated rain, because it made her feel more miserable than she already felt lately. Leaving her apartment was the last thing she wanted to do, but she knew that Kurt would kill her if she missed their coffee date, so she turned from the window and faced the mirror behind her.

After applying the finishing touches to her makeup, she ruffled through her hair, trying to make it look like she wanted it to, but to no avail. 'Whatever, it'll get ruined in the rain anyways', she thought.

Rachel mustered the young woman in the mirror. Sometimes it felt as if a stranger was looking back at her. A stranger who looked exactly like herself, but to whom she could not identify with.

She shook off the thought and checked out her outfit, which Kurt always liked to give his unsolicited advice on. She had chosen a thick black turtleneck and slightly ripped jeans, nothing too special, but still fashionable enough for Kurt. She had to acknowledge that she looked thin, maybe a little too skinny already, and the shadows under her eyes were invincible. Even her best concealer could never fully hide them. Rachel scowled at her reflection before she averted her eyes and grabbed her purse.

Thankfully, Mrs. Green was taking a nap in her armchair, so Rachel could slip out of the apartment without having to talk to her. She knew what she would say if Rachel told her she was about to meet Kurt and she really didn't feel like listening to that today.

Rachel stepped outside the building, opened her black umbrella and disappeared into the crowd until it spit her out again in front of a small coffee shop not far from Broadway, but far enough to not be packed with random tourists.

Rachel looked around until she spotted Kurt in a seat by the window, engrossed in what seemed to be a script. He was probably studying for his new musical role. Rachel's heart sunk and she briefly considered leaving, but just in that moment Kurt noticed her and gestured her to come over to him.

"Rachel, so good to see you," he said with a big smile and pulled her into a hug. "You look fabulous," he added "But next time I'd choose a different lipstick to go with the outfit."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Maybe I would if I had more than one."

"Oh don't worry, you look amazing anyways," Kurt said in a softer tone.

"No, I don't," Rachel sighed after she plunged herself on the seat. "My dark circles have never been darker."

Kurt gave her a worried look from across the table. "Are you not sleeping well again, honey?", he asked sympathetically.

"How could I possibly sleep well?", Rachel mumbled. "Why would I sleep if there is nothing to wake up for?"

Kurt did not respond and instead called for the waiter to order her a strawberry milkshake. Her favorite since she had given up on veganism years ago.

"Rachel dear", Kurt said after the waiter had taken off with their orders. "It's only been three years since we graduated. There are so many great singers who only got famous five or more years after they finished their musical education. Have you heard the news about Larry? You know, the one who always came in last in NYADA competitions? He got a second lead part in an off-Broadway show last month. So if he can do it, you can do it, too!" Kurt gave Rachel an encouraging smile, but he was pretty sure that Rachel wasn't even listening to him properly.

Whenever they met they had the same discussion and even though he loved Rachel, he slowly got tired of it because he didn't know what else to tell her.

"Only three years?", Rachel asked, her voice trembling. Kurt would have rolled his eyes if he could, but he didn't want to make the situation any worse than it already was.

"It has been already three years since we've graduated! Three fucking years!", Rachel exclaimed angrily. Some customers turned their heads towards the two friends, but Kurt shot them a dirty look and they went back to their businesses.

"Calm down", Kurt tried to silence Rachel, but it was too late to stop her from getting into a fuss about it.

"Three years is like a lifetime in a Broadway carrier! You had five roles already, five! And what did I have? Nothing, not a single one!" Rachel buried her face in her hands as tears started to flow down her cheeks.

Kurt sighed. It wasn't the first time he found himself in this situation. But being the good friend he was, he reached out and gently patted Rachel's head.

"Everybody but me has started their career", Rachel cried. "Even that idiot Larry!" Well, there she was going down the rabbit hole again. Kurt should've known that bringing up Larry would be a mistake.

"Rachel, how about going to this audition coming up next week?", Kurt suggested in a desperate attempt to stop the diva from crying. "I know some people there and I am sure they'd appreciate your talent."

"What talent?", Rachel sobbed. "I don't seem to have any."

"But you have to get out there!," Kurt insisted. "You cannot just be at home all the time. Nothing will come from that and you know it! Look at me: I may have had five roles already, but I had to go to a lot of auditions before I even got one."

"I did audition a lot!," Rachel scoffed. She hated herself for being like this, but she hated it even more when Kurt was trying to give her advice, because it made her feel like she was even more pathetic than she already was.

So her frustration quickly turned into anger and before she even knew what she was saying she added cynically: "Maybe I should follow your example and have sex with the director the day before the audition, so I miraculously get the part."

Kurt's eyes widened in shock about what Rachel was implying.

"What?," he asked angrily, giving Rachel one last chance to take back her words.

"What other reason could there have been for them cast you of all people? The role was written for a baritone after all!" Rachel spat.

"I can't believe you just said that", Kurt said, his voice suddenly cold as ice. "Yes, I did sleep with him, but he wasn't even present on the audition day. Has it never occurred to you that I might've gotten the job for my talent?"

Rachel finally started to realize what she had just said and her eyes filled with tears once again, but it was too late to take back her words. The damage was done. "Kurt, I-"

"No, Rachel," Kurt cut her off. "I'm sick and tired of your behavior! Everyone tried hard after graduation and everyone failed more than once. But they got up again and again. And you? You failed a couple of times and just remain lying on the floor pitying yourself! You didn't go to an audition in a year! What do you expect Rachel? A role somehow magically popping up, custom-made just for you?"

Kurt rose from his chair and grabbed his stuff from the table.

"Kurt, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to," Rachel cried. "Please don't leave."

"I was the only person in this whole city who cared about you," Kurt said angrily. "But now you're really alone."

"Kurt wait-"

"Goodbye Rachel," Kurt said calmly and walked away, out into the rainy afternoon.

Rachel looked after him until she noticed some people in the cafe were staring at her. The brunette averted her eyes and trained them down on the table. Her sight became blurry and tears rolled down her cheeks whenever she blinked.

"Here you go," the waiter said and placed a strawberry milkshake and a cookie in front of her. "The cookie is on me," he added with a smile in an attempt to cheer Rachel up.

"Thanks," Rachel mumbled.

The waiter took off and left Rachel alone with her thoughts. If anyone told her a couple of years ago that she'd become like this, she would have never believed it. Instead she would have considered it another attempt to bring her down or make her feel bad about herself. This was what everybody had tried all the time during high school. But now, the only one bringing her down was herself.

Kurt was right and he always had been. But Rachel had driven even him away, despite the fact that he was the only one who genuinely cared about her in this damn city. New York, the city of dreams? Who had come up that crap?

Rachel knew that she had to apologize to Kurt and make things right again, but she also knew that it was too early to approach him yet. He needed some time to calm down. Hopefully, he'd still hear her out.

Rachel took a sip from her milkshake that Kurt had ordered for her. The sweet taste brought fresh tears to her eyes and with it the image of her and Kurt practicing together during their freshman year at NYADA. She had been so happy and full of ambition. Before everything started to tumble down.

When Rachel left the cafe, the rain had stopped, but the charcoal colored clouds indicated that it was about to start again soon.

Rachel headed back to Mrs. Green's apartment. Even though she might get into another downpour, she chose the longer route, which lead past some of her favorite shops in the neighborhood. She loved the flowers, small cakes and extravagant fashion that she could admire through the store windows. Unfortunately, she could not afford any of those items.

'Maybe I should just start looking for a proper job if I don't go to any auditions anyways,' Rachel pondered while she entered the apartment building.

Heading to the elevator she noticed something lurking from postbox 413. She figured it must be a letter for Mrs. Green, because Rachel barely ever received any mail.

She pulled out the envelope from the box and was all the more surprised to find her own name written on the light pink paper.

"A wedding invitation?" Rachel mumbled to herself. 'Who in the world would invite me to their wedding?', she wondered before she opened the envelope.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks again to my beta reader, it really helps a lot!

Chapter 3

Summer 2013

"Where's the midget?" Santana asked after she plunged herself into the seat next to Quinn.

Quinn shot her friend a disapproving look. She got upset whenever someone made fun of Rachel, but she usually didn't show it too much. Except the diva herself no one ever found out about how she felt about her.

"She told me she'd be here. Maybe she's running late," Quinn replied while she let her eyes wander around the room.

Mr. Schue had invited the former Glee kids for a reunion, as it already had been more than one year since their graduation. Her former teacher had rented Breadstix for them and even prepared a stage for later in the evening because singing and performing was inevitable when it came to the Glee club. Most people had followed his invitation. Therefore, former Gleeks and new glee kids were now mingling with each other and everybody seemed to be in a good mood.

Well, everyone except Finn, who kept lurking towards the door and appeared to be nervous about something.

"What's up with Finnocence?" Santana wondered after she had noticed that Quinn was observing him.

"Maybe he's nervous to see Rachel?" Quinn wondered out loud. "It hasn't been too long since they've broken up."

"Well, they better not get back together," Santana scoffed. "Worst couple ever if you ask me."

"Yeah," Quinn agreed absentmindedly. Thankfully she was an expert in hiding nervousness because she could've sworn that she was actually even more nervous than Finn.

Despite all their good intentions and promises to stay friends, she had not seen Rachel once since the summer after graduation. Although they were living in the same city, they both had been busy with trying to fit into their new lives. And to be honest, Quinn had needed some distance to get over her heartbreak and her remaining feelings for the girl.

Unfortunately, she had not been that successful. Especially not after she had heard about Rachel and Finn's breakup.

Santana smiled when Brittany walked over to them, completing the unholy trinity.

"Hey Brits, come here," Santana reached out for the blonde's hand and pulled her onto her lap. Brittany giggled and placed a kiss on the Latina's cheek.

Quinn watched them with a smile. She was happy for her friends, but simultaneously envious that they had each other. She started to imagine what it would be like if Rachel sat on her lap like that, until Santana's voice brought her back into reality.

"Hey Q, what's up with the blush?" Santana eyed her in suspicion.

"Is there something I should know?"

"No, I-" Quinn said, trying to find an excuse, but just in that moment, Brittany jumped up and pointed at the door. "Look, it's Rachel!" she said happily before she went to welcome the girl.

Quinn rose from her seat and caught sight of the brunette being attacked by an enthusiastic Brittany.

Eventually, Brittany let go of Rachel and the diva looked around the room until her eyes met Quinn's.

Quinn smiled shyly and she feared that everybody would hear her heart pounding uncontrollably. Quinn glanced at Finn, who was standing next to Mr. Schue, but had made no attempt to get closer to Rachel.

Relieved, Quinn made her way across the room and stopped somewhat awkwardly in front of Rachel. "Hey," Quinn said softly.

"Hey," Rachel replied. They didn't say anything for a moment until Rachel started laughing. "Oh let's not be awkward please," she said and wrapped her arms around Quinn.

Quinn stiffened for the fraction of a second, but as soon as Rachel's scent surrounded her, she relaxed and squeezed the other girl lightly.

They let go of each other soon, as the other gleeks had assembled around them, all waiting to welcome Rachel, the brightest star among them being definitely set to rise soon. Or at least that was what they all were assuming.

Quinn observed Rachel and couldn't help but notice that the brunette had become even more beautiful. She had definitely matured, yet she somehow preserved her youthfulness and the innocent look of a younger Rachel Berry.

The evening went on and despite Finn's sulking, there was pleasant atmosphere and everyone seemed to enjoy the reunion. They had dinner and afterwards karaoke and dancing. The singing was going on for almost three hours already and Quinn started to feel tired.

She looked at Rachel, who was listening intently to a performance by Kurt and Blaine, who were still together.

The room had gotten quite hot so Quinn decided to step outside for some fresh air. Unnoticed by the other Gleeks, she slipped out the door just in time to catch the last bits of pink that were still resisting the darkness of the night.

Quinn leaned against a streetlight and stared into the sky, where some stars were already twinkling down on her. It was a beautiful sight she could never enjoy in neon-light-lit New York.

'If I were were a smoker, now would be a great time for having a smoke,' she thought.

"Hey," a voice behind her suddenly said.

Quinn turned around in surprise. "Rachel?"

Rachel smiled timidly as she stepped closer. "Feeling suffocated again?" she asked.

"Yeah," Quinn admitted. This whole situation felt very familiar. Almost like graduation day.

"How have you been?" Rachel asked quietly.

"Not bad," Quinn replied, not sure what to answer. Meeting Rachel after such a long time was more awkward than she had expected.

"I'm sorry," Rachel said as she followed Quinn's gaze up into the night sky.

"For what?" Quinn asked in confusion and looked at Rachel's profile. If only she could see it every day until she died.

"For failing at the whole being-a-friend-thing," Rachel explained. She didn't look at Quinn. Instead she kept her eyes focused on the last bit of vanishing pink. "I wanted to see you, but-"

"It's okay," Quinn cut her off. She didn't want to hear about the breakup with Finn, the boys Rachel had been going out with afterwards or her arrogant friends from NYADA, which were probably all Jesse St. James clones. She didn't want to hear anything because the things she actually wanted to hear, would never come out of Rachel's mouth anyways.

"I know you're busy. Becoming a star and all that stuff," Quinn added.

The two girls were silent for a few moments, each of them lost in their thoughts. "Can I ask you something?" Quinn finally asked hesitantly.

Rachel looked at Quinn and tilted her head. "Sure."

"Uhm, I know you probably don't really care about it, but do you remember our promise?" Quinn had not planned an asking about it, but somehow the moment seemed right. And she just wanted to make sure whether there really wasn't any reason to get her hopes up.

"The one we made on graduation day?" Rachel asked.

Quinn nodded silently.

"Of course I do," Rachel said. Then she sighed and averted her eyes from Quinn's. "How could I forget?" she added very quietly.

"You're seeing someone, right?", Quinn asked. She feared the answer, but she needed to be sure.

"Yeah," Rachel answered.

Quinn lowered her head and bit her lip. "I thought so," she said, trying to sound nonchalantly. In reality, she felt her already broken heart breaking once more. It hurt as much as the first time, maybe even more. Why had she allowed her feelings to resurface again?

'You're a fool, Quinn Fabray,' she scolded herself in her thoughts. But now wasn't the time for thinking. She should enjoy the moment, because who knew when she would see Rachel again?

"How about you?" Rachel asked.

"I had someone I was seeing for a while, but we didn't really connect. I ended it some time ago," Quinn lied. How could she possibly tell Rachel that she had never been able to give her heart to someone else? How pathetic that would sound.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Rachel stated without any emotion.

"Don't be. I'm happy to be single," Quinn lied once again. "And of course I know that that promise was only meant as a joke. I just asked for fun." Quinn laughed, but it sounded nothing like herself, because in her mind she was busy trying to mend the pieces of her heart. Maybe she should've never fallen for Rachel Berry.

"Yeah, I know," Rachel agreed.

"So tell me about that boy of yours," Quinn asked in an attempt to relieve the situation from its awkwardness, even though she still didn't want to hear about it.

"He's just a guy from NYADA," Rachel replied, but she didn't make any effort to explain further. She also didn't meet Quinn's eyes, even though Quinn was certain that the brunette had noticed her eyes resting on her.

The last light of day had finally vanished completely and left a dark blue night sky with a couple of stars above them. The faint sound of music and laughter indicated that the party was still going well, but Quinn didn't feel any urge to go back in there. She didn't want to see anyone but Rachel, even if that meant getting hurt again.

Quinn pushed herself from the lamppost and stepped right in front of Rachel. A car passed by and its front lights briefly illuminated the two girls. "Does he love you?" Quinn asked quietly.

Rachel finally met Quinn's eyes. There was something in her look that the blonde couldn't explain. Something that hadn't been there before.

"I don't know," Rachel answered.

Quinn stepped closer until their bodies were only inches apart. However, she made no gesture to touch the brunette. It was as if an invisible barrier separated them from each other.

"Do you love him?" Quinn held her breath, once again afraid of the answer and once again knowing that she would be better off without knowing.

But Rachel didn't respond. She only pressed her lips together and for a couple of moments they were silent. It seemed as if not only Quinn, but also Rachel was waiting for the answer to that question.

"You're still the prettiest girl I've ever met, you know?" Rachel whispered. Then, without warning, she placed her hands on Quinn's shoulders, tiptoed slightly and connected her lips with the blonde's.

Quinn's heart-rate picked up and she was just about to wrap her arms around the smaller girl's waist, when the contact had already ended. Rachel stepped back quickly and turned towards Breadstix. She didn't look at Quinn.

"I better go back inside," she mumbled.

"Rachel!" Quinn tried to hold her back, but the brunette took off and didn't turn around again.

Quinn was left confused. She touched her lips as if she could find the feeling of Rachel's lips there. However, the moment had been way to brief, so she couldn't remember the feeling.

Quinn sighed, leaned back against the lamppost and started contemplating about whether she should start smoking.

A/N: Thank you everybody so much for liking this story. It means a lot to me.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thanks to my beta for doing such an amazing job with the beta reading! 

Chapter 4

May 2019

"There's my baby girl!" Hiram exclaimed when he saw Rachel getting off the train at Lima Station.

"Daddy!" Rachel cried out and hurried over to her father who met her with a strong embrace. It felt good to be hugged like that.

After her father released her, he gave her a quick once over. "Were you sick?" he asked in a concerned voice. "You look so thin!"

"I just had a cold a while ago and didn't feel like eating. I'm all better now though," Rachel lied in order to reassured him. "Where's dad?"

"He's busy at home preparing dinner for our VIP guest," Hiram laughed. "Let's go, I'm sure he has made something vegan friendly for you."

Rachel nodded while a sting of guilt shot through her. She had never told her fathers about her departure from veganism. If they knew, they'd only worry more about her. The thought of her dad going out of his way to prepare one of her favorite vegan dishes made her sad.

Thankfully, Rachel managed to cast an innocent smile at her father before she grabbed her small trolley. She followed Hiram back to the car where she plunged herself into the seat, tired from the long ride.

The two drove home talking about what Rachel missed in Lima and about the upcoming wedding. As she watched the familiar buildings go past , Rachel mentally prepared herself for the act she was about to put up once again. Her fathers thought she was starring as a backup vocalist sporadically while searching for bigger opportunities on and off Broadway. Naturally they had wanted to come to her shows, but Rachel had successfully convinced them to wait until she'd land a bigger role. They had bought the story and thought that Rachel's high self-esteem was the reason for her reluctance. Being in the background had never been something she'd be proud of.

Both of her parents had no idea that Rachel's main activities mainly involved stalking her peers' careers online and reading scripts for auditions she wouldn't take part in. Not to mention that she was living in an old woman's apartment more or less free of charge, because apparently Rachel reminded her of her dead daughter.

Rachel never would've expected that her acting classes would come to such a use in her life, but here she was, sitting at the dinner table, telling her fathers about the audition she had wanted take part in. However, that audition had been cancelled last moment, because the director 'unexpectedly' died. What a sad story if only it were real.

"Poor guy," Leroy said while chewing on the vegan lasagna he had made .

"You surely would've gotten the role otherwise," Hiram added and patted her shoulder.

"Yes of course," Rachel nodded. "I am Rachel Berry after all."

XVXVX

Quinn hastily dropped the cigarette she was holding when she saw her mother's car arriving in front of the train station. She stepped on the stub until the smoke stopped rising. Even after six years of smoking, her mother still had no clue about her daughter's vice and it was probably for the better. Quinn remembered the hours and hours of scolding she had to endure when she first attempted smoking during her rebellious time as a teenager.

The blonde applied some perfume to cover the tobacco smell. Luckily the hugs she and her mother shared never lasted too long. So it wasn't particularly difficult for Quinn to keep up the image of a nice non-smoking daughter.

While Quinn watched her mother park the car, she rubbed her head with the heel of her hand. Going out last night clearly had been a mistake. She could barely remember anything except that she and Lola had ended up at a drag show somehow.

Quinn's mother waved from inside car and the blonde scooted over to the car. "Hey mom," she greeted before she opened the trunk to store her overnight bag.

After running her hand through her hair to make it look less messy, she opened the passenger seat door and sat down next to her mother.

"Quinnie baby, it's so good to see you," Judy exclaimed and pulled her daughter into a hug.

" Don't suffocate me mom," Quinn complained, but she couldn't hide a smile. Thankfully, her relationship with her mother was quite amicable compared to when she had been in high school. They weren't exactly close, but mother and daughter had learned to accept and respect one another.

"So what's going on in Lima lately? Any big news?" Quinn asked while the two women were heading home.

"Just the same old stuff," Judy replied. "Same old Lima," she chuckled.

"Well, I think that's actually a good thing. New York is sometimes too fast paced to be honest," Quinn mused.

Judy casts a glance at her daughter and remained silent for a minute. "Is everything going well with your project?" she eventually picked up the conversation. "What did you say it was? An indie movie?"

Quinn nodded. "Yeah, the movie almost finished post-production. I'll tell you where to watch it once it hits the theatres. I think my music is actually good this time," Quinn explained. She felt proud to have achieved something she could tell her family and friends about. At least she wasn't cheerio Quinn anymore. Now she was Quinn the composer slash musician, a role that she felt much more comfortable in.

The remainder of the way was spent talking about Quinn's work, her sister Frannie's recently born first child and the upcoming wedding.

"How about ordering your favorite pizza for dinner?" Judy suggested after they had arrived at the house.

"That would be perfect," Quinn smiled and noticed that she was actually quite hungry. Maybe a bacon-mozzarella pizza would chase away the last bits of her hangover.

While her mother made a call to the pizza service, Quinn wandered around the living room and dining area. It had been at least two years since her last visit. Usually she invited her mother to come to New York.

She stopped in front of the collection of framed photographs that were decorating one of the walls.

Her eyes met cheerio Quinn's hazel eyes. Then her gaze landed on a group photo of Glee club, which had been taken right after their triumph at Nationals in 2012. Rachel stood in the center and held the trophy together with Artie. Right next to her stood Quinn. Everybody smiled their biggest smile and looked directly into the camera. Except Quinn. She was looking at Rachel.

Quinn sighed and shook her head before she detached her eyes from the pictures.

It felt weird to be back.

XVXVX

Quinn had slipped outside the house to have her after-dinner cigarette when she suddenly heard her name being called. She flinched and turned around only to find herself confronted with a very angry Latina.

"Q! Why didn't you tell me you're already in Lima? Oh crap. You're still smoking?" Santana added when she saw the cigarette between Quinn's fingers. "You bitch better give up on that shit or I'm gonna go all Lima-"

"Heights on me?" Quinn raised an eyebrow.

The two former classmates glared at each other for a couple of moments until they both burst into laughter.

"I missed you Q," Santana admitted as she hugged Quinn tightly.

"I missed your eloquent way of speech," Quinn smiled. "Congrats on your wedding, I am so happy for you."

Santana stepped back, a happy grin on her face. "Thanks. Mercedes just told me you've arrived today. That's why I thought I'd just pass by and say hi."

"Thanks for stopping by. You want to come inside for a while?" Quinn suggested. "My mom brought some wine from her trip to Madrid. I bet she wouldn't mind us trying it."

"Sure. How can I say no to that?" Santana replied before she pulled out her iPhone and checked the time. "I can't stay too long though because I promised Britts I'd watch cat videos with her tonight, but I can spare some time for my favorite HBIC."

"Sure. Just one glass of wine then."

Quin led Santana into the house. Her mother had retreated into her bedroom, so they had the living room to themselves. Quinn brought out two glasses and a bottle of Spanish wine from the kitchen, while Santana sat down on the luxurious sofa Judy Fabray had bought after she had divorced Quinn's father. The Latina mustered Quinn carefully. Something seemed off about the blonde, but she couldn't put her finger on it. Maybe a little provocation would help.

"So you're not seeing slash banging anyone at the moment?" she inquired.

"Santana!" Quinn scolded. She paused a moment before she replied. "For the record, I'm not. To be honest, I'm basically married to my work at the moment."

She sat diagonally across from her friend and started fiddling on the wine cork. Santana just smirked and watched the blonde open the bottle. "You're really generous with the wine," Santana remarked upon seeing how much of the red liquid Quinn poured in their glasses. "Need to compensate for something since you're not getting laid recently?"

"We haven't seen each other in ages. Isn't that something to celebrate?" Quinn replied dryly choosing to ignore Santana's remarks.

"Yeah and that's fucking your fault," Santana retorted. "You better be happy I even invited you." The Latina made her words sound like she was joking, but Quinn knew that she was hurt and meant every word. The blonde had barely kept in touch and she never made any effort change that. Of course she had her reasons, but she didn't feel like exploring the matter now. Instead she lifted her glass and waited for Santana to do the same.

"To you and Brittany," she said and drank a sip of wine.

The two friends fell silent for a while, both of them trying to figure out what to say to one another. They hadn't seen each other in over a year, which, as Santana had already stated correctly, was mainly Quinn's fault. In her attempts to detach herself from her Lima roots and essentially from her past, Quinn had cut off a lot of ties. Only once in a while, a sudden longing for her past friendships would overcome her and let her doubt about her decisions.

"Thanks for coming," Santana finally broke the silence. "It really means a lot to have you at my wedding."

Quinn smiled at the Latina. "Of course. How could I ever miss this?" she said. "You guys might be the cutest couple I know. Well, not that I've met many couples lately. Composers and musicians are not exactly known for their long-term monogamous relationships," she laughed.

Santana smirked and placed her wine glass on the table, before she crossed her arms over her chest. "So does that apply to you as well?" she asked while the grin on her face turned evil. "Or are you still not over Berry?"

Quinn almost spat the wine back into the glass. "W-what?" she asked. She could feel her cheeks getting hot, which was definitely not to blame on the alcohol.

"Oh come on!" Santana smirked. "I always waited for you to tell me, but apparently you don't trust me enough." She was still upset that Quinn never told her even though it had been obvious all along. Santana's gaydar was usually spot on, so how could she not have noticed those disgusting longing stares Quinn had always cast at the midget?

Quinn looked at Santana and realized that denying wouldn't help her to get out of this situation. Once Santana was on to something, she usually was on the right track and nothing would stop her.

"I'm totally over her," Quinn finally replied, her voice sounding weak. "Since when did you know?"

"Pretty much always," Santana said and frowned. "Why didn't you tell me back then? I thought we were best friends."

Quinn lowered her head and stared down into her wine glass, slowly twisting it between her fingers. "I didn't want it to become a real, you know?"

"You mean as in 'once you say it out loud, it becomes real'?" Santana asked, understanding very well what the blonde was talking about.

"Yeah," Quinn nodded

"So if you are so over the dwarf, why are you always single when I see you?" Santana asked curiously. She and Quinn had never really talked about the blonde's love life, mostly because Quinn had always become distant the moment the topic was brought up.

"I dated a couple of people actually. I think I told you about one or two of them," Quinn replied. "But it never got really serious, you know? I don't know why, but I always failed to establish an emotional connection. Maybe I'm aromantic or something like that," she shrugged.

"Yeah I remember you told me about that barkeeper girl once. How about the others? Where they guys or girls?" Santana asked as she leaned back into the sofa.

"Girls," Quinn said as she sipped her wine. It tasted sweet and familiar which calmed her down enough to handle Santana's interrogation.

"Ha, who would've thought that Q here would become a full-on lesbo?" Santana said while she clapped her hands.

"If you want to call me that," Quinn rolled her eyes.

Santana sat up straight again and placed a hand on Quinn's upper arm. "Okay listen, Q. Since you were too busy to attend my bachelorette party, which was a total blast by the way, I couldn't introduce you to the girls. You know, I have some hot single chicas among friends. Maybe you'll run into one of them at the wedding," Santana winked at Quinn.

"Let's see," Quinn replied vaguely, not really interested in meeting any of those 'chicas', no matter how 'hot' they might be.

"So how about the Glee club? Will all of them be at the wedding?" Quinn tried to change the topic.

"Yep. Well at least everyone from the original glee club. Artie even took a break from his project in France so he could attend."

"Wow, that's amazing," Quinn acknowledged.

"Berry's coming too," Santana added, carefully observing the blonde's reaction. Quinn didn't look affected by the news, so probably she had really gotten over the smurf.

"I assumed so," Quinn said. "You two have gotten along well in the end after all."

"Oh I wasn't so sure about that. I haven't seen her since she graduated from NYADA. That bitch didn't even call once after I moved to LA."

"Well since she's attending, she still seems to care about you," Quinn reasoned, trying not to be too bothered by the fact that Santana just called Rachel a bitch.

"I don't know. Maybe she finally lost it. I heard some stuff from Kurt," Santana said. "Whatever, let's talk about you. How is your work? You know, the project you told me about last time?"

Quinn resisted to urge to ask Santana about what she meant by her previous comment. She really had to stop being interested in the life of someone that she had barely seen since high school. So she started telling Santana about her latest project.

The two women continued talking about their respective work and about the wedding preparations. It almost felt like the old times. During their conversation, Quinn had another glass of wine while Santana refrained.

Around ten pm, Santana excused herself because she was already late for watching cat videos with Brittany.

After Santana had left and Quinn had one more smoke outside the house, she went back into the living room. She sat down on the sofa again and poured herself another glass of wine. Only two days until she would see Rachel again.

She sighed as she felt something stir inside her. Something she didn't want to feel, but which had been always there whenever she thought of her.

Quinn leaned back and pulled her knees to her chest. She couldn't prevent an image of Rachel being projected into her inner eye. It was the image of the brunette holding out her pinky, waiting for Quinn to agree to their promise.

Quinn suddenly started feeling nervous about the upcoming wedding. "Fuck," she whispered into the darkness of the living room. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Autumn 2015

Rachel sneezed when some of the powder she was applying on her face entered into her nose. Careful not to let anyone see, she rubbed the wet stains off the large mirror. One of the light bulbs kept flickering which annoyed Rachel and did nothing to cure her from the nervousness she had been suffering from the last couple of days.

There were only about twenty minutes left before the show would start. The brunette felt her nerves getting the better of her, which in turn was making it harder to keep her hands steady. 'Hopefully it won't impact my performance again,' she thought while she let out an almost imperceptible sigh.

Rachel had started her senior year at NYADA only a while ago and today her school was holding the first public showcase of the semester. It was an important event for the students as people from the musical business, as well as the general public, would watch the performances in order to get to know Broadway's potential future stars.

The brunette saw some students scooting around the backstage area, practicing last minute or fitting their outfit. In the opposite corner of the room, Kurt was working on his hair, showing clear signs of frustration. The huge variety of flower bouquets framing his mirror almost hurt Rachel's eyes. They were probably gifts from Kurt's numerous admirers. Since the breakup with Blaine he had been quite active in New York's gay scene.

Rachel turned back to her reflection in the mirror and almost had a heart attack, when she suddenly saw two people looking back at her.

"Oh my god, Quinn!" she cried out after the initial shock dissolved and she jumped up from her chair.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Quinn said, a slight smile around her lips. Rachel noticed that her hair had grown a few inches since they had last seen each other. It was reaching almost over her chest. In her hands the blonde was holding a bouquet of red dahlias which contrasted nicely with the dark brown coat she was wearing.

"They symbolize strength," Quinn said as she handed Rachel the flowers. "I thought you might need some since it's your final year." Quinn didn't look her in the eyes. Instead her gaze wandered around the room and landed on everything but Rachel.

"T-thank you," Rachel stuttered, still taken aback by the blonde's presence. "They are very beautiful." She considered hugging Quinn, but the awkwardness between them was too much to overcome at this point. In the end she just stood there holding the flowers.

"I didn't expect you to come," Rachel finally said.

Quinn kneaded her hands as if she were nervous. "Well, I happened to talk to Kurt the other day and he kind of invited me to come. I figured he would get more than enough flowers, so I just brought yours." She shot Rachel a quick glance and for a moment it was as if she saw right through her, able to read all the feelings inside Rachel. Rachel wished she'd hold her gaze but she broke the eye contact after only a second.

"Oh, I see," Rachel mumbled. Did this mean Quinn was here for Kurt? Somehow, the thought upset her, which she knew was silly, since she had never expected to see Quinn today after all.

Silence fell over the two women once more and Rachel still debated whether a hug would be appropriate. But she concluded she had missed the right timing already. Therefore, she and the blonde continued facing each other awkwardly.

Finally, Quinn opened her mouth and was about to say something when Vlad, Rachel's duet partner for tonight, passed by. "Rachel, you ready for a last-minute practice?" he asked, completely ignoring Quinn.

"Uhm, I-" Rachel tried to answer, but Quinn was faster.

"I was just about to leave anyways. Sorry I held you up Rach."

It was the nickname that finally let Rachel realize the fact that Quinn was really standing in front of her. Rach. Nobody ever called her that nowadays. Nobody ever had since Quinn and only Quinn could say it in a way that made her heart clench and her mind go blank.

"Wait," Rachel held the blonde back. She handed Vlad the dahlias and finally pulled Quinn into a hug. "I'm really happy you're here," she whispered against Quinn's soft hair.

Quinn didn't say anything, but Rachel could feel the blonde relaxing into the embrace. The feeling of Quinn's arms around her was the most comforting and at the same time most heartbreaking sensation she had experienced since high school.

Quinn was the first to pull back from the embrace leaving Rachel with a feeling of loss that seemed to weigh down on her shoulders much more than the nervousness she had felt a while ago.

"Good luck for the show," Quinn said and smiled.

Rachel swallowed heavily as she once more noticed the blonde's mesmerizing beauty. She was still the prettiest girl she had ever met and doubted that would ever change.

"Thank you. If you want, you can join the afterparty. Maybe we can catch up," Rachel told her in hopes to see the blonde after the show. As stupid as it probably was, she wanted to ask her about their promise. There was probably no way that a girl like Quinn would be still single. Also, she surely wouldn't harbor any feelings for Rachel anymore, would she? Maybe she had forgotten the whole thing already. Nevertheless, Rachel wanted to ask her about it. Somehow, she felt like the promise they had gave each other back then was more than just a silly teenage joke.

"Let's see," Quinn replied vaguely while she turned towards the exit. "It was good to see you. And good luck for the show, even though I don't think you need it."

She halted in her movement briefly as if she were about to add something more, but eventually she just cast one last glance at Rachel.

"Bye Rach." With that Quinn walked towards the exit and soon disappeared among a crowd of nervous students. Rachel looked after her, unable to move.

"So, you ready to practice? Vlad asked, appearing to be annoyed that he had to wait. 'What an idiot,' Rachel thought. If it hadn't been for him, she might have told Quinn the truth back then. That in Summer 2013 she hadn't had a boyfriend.

The show started soon after and the only thing that got Rachel through the performance was the thought of Quinn watching her. She couldn't be sure whether she was really in the audience because the headlights were so bright, all she saw were blurred figures.

As soon as the last curtain fell she hurried towards the backstage exit. On her way outside she ran into a group of classmates who eyed her derogatorily. Rachel tried to make herself as small as possible, but that didn't stop them from noticing her.

"I can't believe you didn't forget the text today, Rachel," one of them, a tall female student remarked as Rachel passed by.

"Must've been your lucky day," the girl's best friend, a feminine-looking boy, who always seemed to wear the most extravagant fashion one could find - much to Kurt's frustration - added and the group started giggling like a bunch of elementary students.

Rachel lowered her head and didn't react to what they were saying. She clenched her teeth and before one of them could say more, she had slipped through the exit which led her to a dim corridor. She could already hear the incoherent voices coming from the other end.

She increased her pace until she was released into the lobby where student's families and other visitors were talking about the performance and waiting for drinks to be served. Rachel glanced around, trying to find Quinn among the crowd.

There were still people coming from outside the auditorium, maybe the blonde was among them? Rachel squinted and turned her head in every direction, but Quinn was nowhere to be seen. She noticed Kurt's dad on one of the tables, taking to a guy appearing to be Kurt's most recent love interest. The two looked so uncomfortable with each other that Rachel would have laughed if she weren't desperately searching for Quinn.

She rounded a group of people and almost bumped into a waiter carrying a tablet with glasses full of prosecco and orange juice. He gave Rachel an angry glare, but she had already turned around, letting her eyes wander around continuously.

Rachel tried looking for a person in a dark brown coat, but Rachel soon found out that Quinn wasn't the only one in such a piece of cloth. Once, she believed to have found Quinn, but as soon as the woman turned around, she turned out to be a middle-aged woman.

Rachel lowered her shoulders as hope started to drain from her and made way for disappointment. She couldn't, no she wouldn't believe that Quinn had just left without a word.

And then she saw her. Rachel instantly knew that it was Quinn, even though she could only see her from behind. The blonde hurried through the crowd and didn't look left or right. Rachel's eyes followed the direction she was going in and she wondered where she was heading. It was only when Quinn had almost reached the exit, that Rachel realized she was trying to get out of the building.

Panic overcame her and she started to run, which was easier said than done with all the people in the room. This time she actually knocked down the tray from one of the waiter's hands, but she didn't even stop to apologize. She barely registered the angry voices and the stares following her as she could think of nothing but Quinn.

The blonde had reached the exit now and Rachel realized that she couldn't catch up with her.

"Quinn!" she called out in hopes she would hear her and turn around.

"Quinn!"

But Quinn didn't turn around.

When Rachel finally bolted through the wide glass door, Quinn was gone. She looked left and right, but there was no trace of her.

"Quinn?" Rachel mumbled. A tear started making its way down her cheek as a gust of wind let her shudder.

"Don't leave me. Please."

A/N: Next up: The wedding we've all been waiting for!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

May 2019

Quinn flinched when behind her, Santana's grand aunt Valentina started coughing which then turned into a coughing fit. However, the sound soon mixed with the chatters and laughter that was filling the garden.

The blonde was sat next to Mercedes who was sat next to Kurt and let her eyes wander over the rows of chairs. Luckily, the weather was warm and sunny, so that the garden wedding could take place as planned.

Quinn had been pleasantly surprised about the tasteful selections Santana and Brittany had made for the ceremony. A string ensemble played soft classical music while the guest arrived and were seated on white-painted wooden chairs, each decorated with a couple of flowers.

Quinn had been delighted to find out that Mercedes had been assigned to the seat next to hers and the women had chatted for a while until Kurt had come to join them. Quinn still wondered why he hadn't arrived together with Rachel, because as far as she knew he was still a close friend of hers.

The chair to her right was still vacant and Quinn had no idea who was supposed to sit there. Santana had refused to reveal the sitting order to her and instead only smirked her infamous evil grin.

'That stupid bitch,' Quinn thought while she couldn't suppress an affectionate smile. Santana really was her best frenemy.

She blended back into the ongoing conversation when Kurt addressed her directly. "By the way, your outfit is gorgeous," he said and gave her a thumbs up. "Also, I love the haircut. It suits your face just perfectly."

"Thank you," Quinn replied while she dug her fingers into her freshly cut hair, which was only barely touching her shoulders now. She tried to straighten it a little, but as usual, her hair didn't follow her wishes. As opposed to the other female guests, she had chosen not to wear a dress but an emerald green pant suit. She had matched the suit with a simple white shirt and natural makeup. Somehow, wearing pants always increased her confidence and that was exactly what she needed at the thought of meeting Rachel.

"So has anybody seen Rachel yet?" Mercedes asked them. Quinn noticed Kurt's sudden change in expression and wondered if something had happened between the two.

Both, Kurt and Quinn just shook their heads, neither of them wanting to delve deeper into the topic.

At 3:59 pm, one minute before the ceremony was about to start, Quinn noticed a sudden movement to her right. She looked up and her heart skipped a beat when her eyes met Rachel's chocolate brown eyes.

"I guess this is where I'm supposed to sit," Rachel said with a reluctant smile. She sat down next to Quinn, her short black mini dress leaving most of her tights exposed.

'Wait, I'm not supposed to notice this,' Quinn scolded herself. She made a mental note to yell at Santana later, because there was no way this was a coincidence.

Just as she was about to address Rachel, the volume of the music increased, announcing the arrival of the soon-to-be-married couple.

The guests' heads turned in unison towards the entrance of the garden. Santana was the first to appear under the arch of flowers which marked the start of the corridor between the chairs. She was led by Mr. Lopez, who looked very proud of his daughter. When Santana passed by Quinn and Rachel's seats, she briefly met the blonde's eyes and smirked for the fraction of a second. While the other guests were already tearing up and getting their tissues ready, Quinn was still fuming and thinking of various ways to get her revenge on Santana.

However, when Brittany made her entrance to join Santana, Quinn couldn't help but be incredibly moved by the couple's happiness and the fact that she was blessed to be witnessing this special moment. She hadn't seen Brittany in ages, but the dancer looked more radiant and bubbly than ever.

When the ceremony began, Quinn watched her two friends' every action in awe until she almost forgot about Rachel's presence. But then she suddenly heard a small sniffing coming from her right.

Quinn turned to look at Rachel who kept sniffling. She reached for her bag, dug up some napkins she had stocked up on in Starbucks - she loved free stuff - and handed them to Rachel.

Rachel smiled at Quinn a little embarrassedly, but took the napkins with a slight nod.

After the ceremony had ended and Brittany and Santana were now officially married, Quinn found herself at one of the many standing tables scattered around the garden. She was sipping on a pink grapefruit gin and tonic, which left a sweet aftertaste on her tongue. Kurt, Mercedes, Artie and Tina had joined her a couple of minutes ago while Rachel had excused herself as soon as the cocktail serving had started.

"Kurt, what happened between you and Rachel?" Mercedes asked curiously, never wanting to miss out on the latest gossip as always.

Kurt sighed dramatically and took a long sip from his cocktail. "We had a fight a couple of weeks ago. Well, actually months ago," he replied. "I can't tell you everything since I do respect everybody's right to privacy, but-" he inserted a dramatic pause. "She really isn't the Rachel we used to know anymore. And if I may give you one advice, don't talk to her about musicals and Broadway if you happen to run into her."

Quinn wondered what the two could have had been arguing about. When she had last seen Rachel, she had noticed that she had seemed different; as if the typical Rachel-Berry-ness she had come to love had vanished somehow. But at the wedding, Rachel had seemed more like herself again. Quinn frowned as she once more realized how little she knew about the brunette and what she had been up to after high school.

"I always assumed she'd be the first among us to become famous," Artie said. "Why hasn't she appeared in any play yet?"

"Right," Tina agreed. "I always wondered that too. Hasn't it been three years since her graduation? Look at Kurt, he has achieved so much already. I can't believe Rachel still hasn't had her debut."

"Yeah, do you remember how she used to say she'd be better than all of us one day?" Mercedes reminded them. Artie and Tina nodded while Quinn and Kurt tried to avoid taking part in their discussion. Quinn really didn't like the direction in which this conversation was heading, but at the same time she felt too intrigued to stop them from talking about it, because she wanted to know more about Rachel.

"Right, but look at us now," Tina said with pride in her voice.

"If I were Rachel I'd be kinda embarrassed to show up here," Mercedes added. "Especially after all that bragging she used to do."

"Don't talk about her like that," Quinn finally chimed in. She was up and ready to defend Rachel in a sudden surge of courage, but it was too late. When she glanced behind Mercedes, she saw the brunette standing there, her face pale, her eyes shimmering with tears. Without a word, she turned around and fled from the garden.

"You bunch of idiots!" Quinn shot everybody one of her famous HBIC glares before she hurried and went after Rachel, which was quite a difficult task given the number of people and tables she had to circumvent along the way.

She entered the Lopez villa through the back door since it was the only exit Rachel could have taken. She scurried through the living room into the front hall, where she finally managed to catch up with the diva. She was frantically typing into her phone, probably trying to get a ride home.

"Rachel," Quinn said out of breath.

Rachel's movements froze momentarily before she continued typing. "What do you want?" she asked coldly, not bothering to look at Quinn.

"I just want to talk to you," Quinn replied. "Please look at me."

Rachel finally turned around and her eyes met Quinn's. Quinn noticed the hurt in them right away and it made her remember how often she had seen this look during their high school days.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Why? You didn't do anything."

"Exactly." Quinn's shoulders sunk. "I should've defended you."

"No. They're right. There really isn't anything left to defend. I'm a failure," Rachel said, her voice devoid of emotion.

Rachel's words left Quinn in disbelief and shock. She hated to see her like that. This wasn't the Rachel Berry she used to know. Yet, she couldn't deny that she was still as breathtaking as before.

"No, you're definitely not a failure," Quinn insisted after a second of silence. "You're still very special."

Rachel's expression softened briefly before the bitterness settled back on her face. "There isn't anything special about me. There never was. I don't matter in this world, Quinn. I never did and I never will. So please let me go now, because I don't want to be here anymore."

Rachel was about to turn around again, when Quinn grabbed her by the wrist, careful not to apply too much force.

"You matter," she whispered while she raised Rachel's chin to make her look at her. Quinn's eyes were starting to get moist and she could've sworn that the same was true for Rachel.

The blonde wrapped her arms around the smaller woman and placed her mouth near hear ear. "You still mean a lot to me. You always did and you always will," Quinn whispered while a tear ran down her cheek. "I don't know what made you think you don't matter, but I'm sure that you can still do anything, anything you want to. Sometimes we have to take detours to get to our destination. Please don't forget that, okay?"

Quinn heard Rachel sniff and felt her nod ever so slightly. She pulled back from the hug and took Rachel's hand in hers. "Can we talk?" she asked hesitantly.

Rachel nodded as she quickly brushed a tear out of the corner of her eye.

Quinn led them up the stairs and inside Santana's old bedroom, where she opened the glass door that connected the room with the balcony. There were no chairs but only a worn-out yoga mat on the floor, which Santana probably had used to stay in shape for the wedding. Or maybe she had done other stuff with Brittany on it. Quinn didn't try to think about it when she sat down.

She crossed her legs while Rachel wrapped her arms around her knees and pulled them to her chest.

Their position was perfect to watch the events of the wedding party while at the same time they were mostly hidden behind the balustrade, so no one would notice them sitting there.

Quinn and Rachel observed the happenings below them for a while, neither of them breaking the silence that had settled between them. It didn't feel awkward but almost like senior year, when they had sat down at the bleachers and just enjoyed each other's company. These were the only times Quinn had really been able to be herself, because Rachel didn't expect her to be anything else but that.

Quinn sucked her bottom lip in between her teeth as she always did when she was thinking about something thoroughly. She had so many questions she wanted to ask Rachel, but no idea where to start.

"Britt and Santana make a beautiful couple, don't they?" Quinn eventually ended their silence, deciding to settle for some lighter conversation for the beginning.

"Of course they do," Rachel replied. "They've always been adorable. I'm glad they got back together."

Quinn placed her hands on the floor behind her and leaned back, so she could look up at the sky, which was perfectly blue with only a few white clouds sprinkled here and there. Not long and the shadows would start becoming longer.

"I'm actually kind of jealous," Quinn admitted. She had no idea what led her to admit to something like that, especially in front of Rachel, but it somehow felt right.

Rachel turned her head to look at the blonde. "Jealous?" she asked. "Why?"

Quinn briefly glanced at Rachel before she answered: "It just seems nice to have someone by your side. You know, someone who always loves you no matter what. Someone who shares all the memories with you, the happy ones as much as the sad ones." Quinn bit her lip before she added: "I guess I'm quite a hopeless romantic after all."

Rachel smiled. "You're finding that out now?" she teased. "I always knew you could be very romantic."

Quinn blushed and lowered her head so her profile would be hidden behind a few strands of bright hair. "Don't remind me, that's embarrassing," she laughed.

"No! I liked your confession," Rachel countered.

Quinn turned her head and looked into the brunette's eyes. Even though her behavior and the tone of her voice had changed, her eyes were still the same. And it was still hard not to get lost in them.

"You did?" Quinn raised an eyebrow trying not to sound too happy about what Rachel had said.

"Of course I did," Rachel smiled and ducked her head. "You were really sweet back then. You still are."

Quinn's heartbeat suddenly doubled and a familiar heat crept up her face until it reached hear ears. Thanks god they were hidden under her hair.

Quinn cleared her throat while thinking about what to say. "Thanks," she was all she eventually uttered and mentally scolded herself for not coming up with something smarter.

Rachel smiled and didn't say anything. A light breeze was tugging at the two women's hair and brought with it bits and pieces of the laughter and chatter from the party.

Quinn peeked through the balustrade and got a glimpse of Santana and Brittany in their white dresses. They were hugging each other, maybe kissing, it was hard to say for sure from the distance.

"Quinn?" Rachel spoke up, her hesitation clearly audible.

"Mh-mh?" Quinn looked up and ran her fingers through her hair in another unsuccessful attempt to straighten it.

"I know it's been a long time and we were so young back then…but-" Rachel inhaled deeply before she continued, "do you remember the promise we made?"

The slight smile that had curved Quinn's lips disappeared as she was totally being taken aback. She thought Rachel had forgotten about the promise, especially given the fact she had never mentioned it after what happened at the Glee reunion.

"Y-yes, I do. Of course I do," Quinn stuttered.

"Do you think promises have an expiry date? You know, something like 'best before 2015' or something like that?" Rachel wondered aloud. "Or are they valid forever?" She looked at Quinn with a questioning expression.

"Uhm, as long as nobody breaks it, I'd guess there is no such thing as an expiry date," Quinn reasoned. Was Rachel really trying to get at what Quinn was thinking she was getting at?

'Don't get up your hopes, idiot,' a voice inside her said, but Quinn chose to ignore it.

Rachel tugged a strand of dark brown hair behind her ear and smiled bashfully. "I know I probably sound crazy for asking you this, especially after all this time and I can totally understand if you choose not to answer-" She stopped because Quinn reached out and placed her hand on Rachel's.

"Rachel, just ask what you want to ask. You can ask me anything you want," she said softly.

Rachel took a deep breath. "Are you with somebody? Like romantically involved?" Her words were followed by a nervous giggle.

"No," Quinn shook her head. "It's just me and my music nowadays. How about you?" she returned the question.

"I…" Rachel began and Quinn held her breath. The diva hesitated which did nothing to calm the blonde's nerves.

"I'm not seeing anybody," Rachel eventually said so quietly that Quinn wouldn't have been sure whether she had heard right if Rachel hadn't continued speaking. "So we are both single, I guess. At the same time."

Rachel looked into Quinn's eyes who was trying to process the things she had just heard.

"Yes, we are," Quinn said quietly while her heart pounded in her chest and her palms started sweating. It was crazy she still felt like this after all those years. It was as if she suddenly were eighteen year old Quinn again, scared that Rachel would find out about her feelings while at the same time wanting nothing more than to tell her about it.

"How about we keep our promise?" Rachel asked. "To be honest, I'm not sure what's gotten into me right now, but it just feels right in a way I can't explain."

She looked at Quinn expectantly, but Quinn was too stunned to answer right away. Rachel must've misinterpreted her silence, because she immediately started to panic. "I-I'm sorry, you don't have to…I-I just thought since we are both here and, you know, we b-both live in New York-" she stuttered while gesturing wildly.

"Okay," Quinn said.

"W-what?"

Quinn might not have admitted it to anybody, but she had long realized that her feelings for Rachel would never go away completely. She was well aware that getting closer to the diva might hurt her so much more than staying away from her, but if she wouldn't seize this opportunity, she might regret it her whole life. Being with Rachel had been everything her high school self had ever dreamt about. Even if it were for only one day, she wanted to call Rachel hers at least once in her life. She wanted to know what it felt like so badly. So she decided to grant teenage Quinn this favor and make her dream come true. Or at least she'd try.

"Let's keep our promise," Quinn clarified. She turned her body towards Rachel and held out her hand. "Rachel Berry, will you go out with me?"

Rachel smiled and Quinn could tell she secretly loved the way she was being asked out. Quinn wondered if she had managed to make her feel special. Because that is all the diva ever wanted. Maybe they both got to live their dreams, if even just for a while.

"Yes," she replied and took Quinn's hand. "Let's do this."

They shared a long look into each other's eyes before they broke into nervous laughter.

A/N: This is only the first part of the wedding. There'll be a second part soon. In the meantime, let me know what you think of this chapter. Thank you all for the support!


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Since this chapter is very short, there will be two chapters this week. Thanks everyone, for following and reviewing this story. 

Chapter 7

January 2017

A mixture of snow and rain was falling from a grey New York sky and settled on the crowds that moved along the streets near Broadway.

Rachel gripped her umbrella tighter until her knuckles were white against her flesh. Her hands felt numb from the cold, but she didn't care. All she cared about at that moment was the fact that she had probably failed an audition. Again.

It had been one year since she had graduated from NYADA, but she still didn't land a role. Since she refused to audition for minor roles, she only went to those auditions that would catapult her to fame immediately once she got in. But she always failed. Today she had been so nervous, that she had choked. It was not only the worst that could happen during a musical audition, it also made her feel like high school senior year Rachel Berry again. The memory brought back all the anxiety and self-doubt she had harbored insider her back then. She asked herself whether it might be better to stop trying. If she didn't try, she wouldn't fail at least.

Rachel tried her hardest to keep back the tears while she made her way through the crowd. She kept bumping into other people's umbrellas while the rain got stronger. Since she was still far from home, she decided to stop by a nearby home décor store where she sometimes went to buy a present for Mrs. Green. The store was quite famous in New York for having many unique items at a reasonable price, but Rachel probably couldn't even afford so much as a candle at this point.

She pushed the entrance door and felt relieved that she could escape the rain for a while. The brunette decided to settle for some eye shopping, so she slowly walked around the special offers placed in the front of the room.

"Rachel?" someone suddenly called her name.

Rachel flinched and turned around. A beautiful blonde woman was standing right behind her. "Q-Quinn?" she uttered in surprise. "W-what are you doing here?"

"A friend recommended me this store, so I came to buy some stuff for the apartment," Quinn said. The blonde frowned as she mustered Rachel. The diva suddenly wished that the ground would open and swallow her up. She must be looking terrible right now. Her hair and make-up all messed up and her eyes red from holding back tears for too long. Not exactly how you want to bump into somebody from high school. Especially if this someone was Quinn Fabray.

"And you? What brought you here?" Quinn asked.

"I just stopped by on my way home," Rachel replied, trying to sound nonchalantly.

"You know, they say in New York you never run into someone incidentally. Guess they were wrong, huh?" Quinn said and smiled.

Rachel brought up the edges of her mouth to form an awkward smile, but didn't answer. She was still trying to process the fact that Quinn Fabray of all people was standing right in front of her now, especially since she had made all the effort to avoid any form of get-together with people from her past for the past one and a-half years, with the exception of Kurt.

"Mind if we stepped outside for a minute?" Quinn asked before Rachel could come up with anything to say.

"In this weather?" Rachel asked dumbfoundedly.

"I just need a quick smoke," Quinn explained. "I'd be happy about your company," she added.

They stepped outside where Quinn opened her huge black umbrella and held it over the two of them.

"Since when do you smoke again?" Rachel inquired curiously when Quinn lit a cigarette.

"Since the day you kissed me and left," Quinn stated dryly.

Rachel's eyes widened and she was totally taken aback by Quinn's bluntness. "Uhm, I-" she tried to come up with a reply, but Quinn waved her off.

"Don't worry, I would've started smoking anyway," she said, steering the conversation away from the sensitive topic. "So how have you been doing?"

"Not bad," Rachel lied, trying to smile, while in reality she just wanted to curl up somewhere and cry. "How are things going for you?" she asked back.

"I just finished my first project a while ago. As a co-composer for an indie movie soundtrack," Quinn answered before she took a long drag from her cigarette.

"Wow that sounds amazing," Rachel said honestly. "I'd really love to hear your music someday," she added.

"I'll let you know once the movie hits the theatres. I'm sure some arthouse cinemas will show it," Quinn smiled.

A cold breeze swept some sleet into Rachel's face and she shivered. Quinn's calm expression changed into worry in an instant when she noticed it. "I'm sorry Rach, just let me finish this quickly." She took another drag from the cigarette and was about to throw the remaining half to the floor, but Rachel stopped her.

"No it's okay, don't worry about me," she said. She didn't care whether she caught a cold or even worse. She wanted to stay with Quinn longer, even if it was just for one moment. It was strange how the blonde could change her instinct to run away as fast as possible in only an instant.

Quinn mustered Rachel with an unreadable expression on her face. Rachel met Quinn's eyes and she recognized high school Quinn in them. There was something about the look in her eyes that resembled the way she had used to look at her during their senior year. Could it be? Was it possible that Quinn still cared about her that way? After all these years?

Wordlessly, Quinn handed Rachel the umbrella, put the cigarette in the corner of her mouth and took of the checked coat she was wearing. Gently, she wrapped it around Rachel's shoulders. Rachel continued to observe Quinn's face, which was without question beautiful as ever.

When Quinn tugged a little at the edges of the coat to fasten it around Rachel's body, their faces came closer. Quinn looked up from the fabric to meet Rachel's eyes and smiled a soft smile.

Rachel wondered what exactly it was about Quinn that could make her feel so special without the need for any grand gestures. She suddenly wanted nothing more than to hug her, be closer to her. So she tried to muster up the courage to initiate a hug, which wasn't an easy task.

"Quinn?" she whispered her name.

"Quinn!" an unfamiliar voice called at the same time.

A dark-haired woman, about their age, stepped outside the store.

"I searched the whole store for you," she complained.

"Sorry, Lola," Quinn replied while she grinded her cigarette on the floor.

"I ran into my former classmate Rachel, so we were catching up," Quinn explained to Lola. "Rachel, this is Lola, my roommate."

"Nice to meet you," Lola said and held out her hand.

"Hi," Rachel said and shook her hand reluctantly.

"Here I got us some stuff," Lola said and showed Quinn the contents of the plastic bag she was carrying.

While the two women were discussing something about Lola's purchases, Rachel mustered Lola closely. She was pretty. Not exceptionally so, but she had even features, was slim and a little taller than Quinn. The two looked as if they were very close and Rachel didn't fail to notice the looks Lola was giving Quinn.

Rachel's heart sink and suddenly all she wanted was to get away again. She was sure that she had misinterpreted the look in Quinn's eyes. She felt silly for assuming that Quinn would still have feelings for her. Besides, Rachel had never given her any reason to like her over the last years, so it was only natural that Quinn would eventually move on.

"I-I really got to go," Rachel stuttered hastily. "Thanks for the coat," she added before she took it from her shoulders and practically shoved it into Quinn's arms.

"Rachel!" Quinn called after her, but it was too late. Rachel had already disappeared into the crowd of people and their umbrellas effectively hid her from Quinn's view.

Rachel didn't bother to open her own umbrella though. That way she could hide the tears that were streaming from her eyes. It was hard to say whether she cried for the loss of the role or for the loss of Quinn.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

May 2019

Quinn pulled out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes from her pocket.

"You still smoke," Rachel stated without any judgement in her voice.

"Yeah," Quinn replied and lit the cigarette. "Don't worry. I'll keep the smoke away from you."

"So what are we going to do now?" Rachel asked and Quinn could hear her uncertainty. She wasn't sure whether Rachel was asking about the wedding or about their 'relationship' or whatever they were going to call this endeavor, but it didn't matter. Quinn felt too giddy to think about anything than the present. Even the nicotine wasn't of any help this time.

"How about re-joining the party?" she suggested for the lack of any better idea. She blew out some smoke, careful to turn her head in the process, so it would stay away from Rachel. "I mean, since we are kind of... dating now, shouldn't we attend social events together?" she reasoned while she tried not to blush as she stumbled over the word 'dating'.

Quinn managed to sound composed, so Rachel probably had no idea about the chaos that was reigning inside her. Actually, she wasn't able to fathom what she had just gotten herself into. Could it really be that easy? Agreeing to keep the promise and start dating? It sounded crazy in her head, but all she knew was that she wanted to see Rachel happier and if this was the path, she would take it.

"Let's just forget about the others and be happy for Brittany and Santana. Also, if we go back there will be tons of food," Quinn chuckled.

"I'm indeed a little hungry," Rachel admitted as she peeked through the balustrade down on the ongoing party.

"Let's go then," Quinn said. She put out the cigarette and got up from the floor, which took a moment since her legs had fallen asleep. She reached out her hand for Rachel to take and the brunette chuckled at the courtesy.

After they had shared one more second of intense eye contact, they went back into the garden where they joined the partying crowd. The blue sky was slowly being infiltrated with shades of pink and orange which bathed the scene into a pleasant light. Rachel was still holding Quinn's hand as if it were the most natural thing in the world, but no one seemed to notice their intimacy.

Both of them didn't really know what to do next, but thankfully, just in that moment, Santana and Brittany walked to the stage that had been placed at one end of the garden. Everybody cheered and clapped at the sight of the couple. Rachel let go of Quinn's hand and joined the clapping. Quinn wished she had just kept holding it.

"I'm not going to hold a long speech, since nobody is interested in listening to some blabla crap anyways," Santana spoke into a microphone.

"She just wants to get away so we can have sweet sex," Brittany chimed in from the side.

Silence fell over the crowd and Santana whispered something to Brittany with an embarrassed expression on her face. She cleared her throat before she spoke into the microphone again. "Anyways, dinner is being served now. Dig in." Then she grabbed Brittany's hand and pulled her from the stage.

Quinn chuckled at her friends' typical behavior. She had really missed their antics. She turned her head towards Rachel and gave her a warm smile. "Ready to have dinner?"

"Yes, more than ready actually," Rachel nodded eagerly.

They strolled over to the buffet which had been prepared on a row of tables. As at every public event with free food, a long line of people was already waiting to load their tables.

When Quinn and Rachel lined up, Mercedes was right behind them. Rachel pretended not to notice her former classmate, but Mercedes couldn't be stopped by that. "Rachel look, I'm really sorry for what I said earlier," she tried to apologize.

Rachel did not respond and still looked the other way while Quinn was standing awkwardly between the two, not sure whether she should defend Rachel or remain neutral for the time being.

"Look," Mercedes tried once more. "I really mean it. I'm really sorry Rachel."

But Rachel didn't give in. To Quinn it seemed as if she had no intention to pretend that Mercedes hadn't meant every single word she had said. Quinn didn't judger her for that. She had long learned that people were only ever sorry if they got caught. Rachel crossed her arms over her chest, shot Mercedes a disapproving look and turned around to close the gap that had appeared in the line.

Quinn looked at Mercedes sympathetically and shook her head to signal her to leave. Mercedes rolled her eyes and stepped out of the line to join Kurt and Sam, who were waiting a few feet behind them.

As soon as Mercedes had left, Rachel turned around and looked at Quinn. "I'm sorry you can't be with your friends because of me," she said sadly. "You don't have to be with me all the time, you know."

Quinn bit her lip before she asked, "Don't you want to be with me right now?"

"What? No!" Rachel said determinedly. "I like you being with me," she seemed a little embarrassed which was nothing but cute in Quinn's eyes.

Quinn smiled in relief. Even though present Rachel was different from the Rachel she had used to know, there were still traces that unmistakably belonged to the dorky girl from high school. Her shy smile was definitely one of them.

"Don't worry, tonight I'll be all yours," Quinn promised. She blushed after she realized that Rachel might misunderstand that remark, but fortunately, the brunette got distracted by their arrival at the buffet.

"I'm afraid there aren't many vegan options," Quinn noted while she scanned the selection.

"Oh don't worry about it," Rachel said as she shoved some tomato mozzarella salad on her plate.

"Wait, you're not vegan anymore?," Quinn asked incuriously. Was this really Rachel Berry?

"Too much of a hassle," Rachel replied and shrugged. "But I don't eat meat and seafood, so you'd still have to eat your bacon without me."

Quinn didn't know what to say. Rachel had always been so convinced of her veganism. It seemed as if she had thrown all her ideals over board. What could've happened in her life after high school that had let her to such drastic decisions?

"You want some too?" Rachel's question pulled Quinn out of her thoughts.

"Yes, thank you," she said and Rachel placed some salad on Quinn's plate.

The two women filled their plates with all kinds of food from the buffet before they proceeded to a table far from Mercedes and the other former gleeks. Quinn felt slightly regretful that she couldn't catch up with everybody, but her desire to spend the day with Rachel was stronger. When one of the waiters walked past them, she waved him over to have him fill their glasses with white wine.

"Cheers," Quinn said after the waiter had taken off. "To us."

"To us," Rachel repeated and took a sip of wine. Quinn noticed her grimacing for a second, before the brunette hid the expression with a smile. So Rachel still didn't like alcohol very much. At least that hadn't changed about her.

An awkward silence fell over them as neither of them initiated further conversation. Quinn knew they had to clarify what 'going out' actually meant to them, but she felt too nervous to ask about it. She feared Rachel might get scared off if she wanted to know too much too soon.

Eventually Quinn decided it'd be better to settle for some lighter topics like Quinn's work and the wedding ceremony. Quinn was in the middle of explaining Rachel about her new project, when someone appeared at their table.

"Whats up bitches?" Santana exclaimed with Brittany right behind her. Both looked clearly disheveled and Quinn could barely hold her grin.

"San!" Brittany pouted. "Be nice to them!"

"Okay, okay," Santana backtracked. "Hello, friends," she tried again, stretching the last word more than necessary.

Quinn rolled her eyes at her friend before she got up to hug Santana and Brittany with one arm each. "I'm so happy for you guys," she said, surprised at herself for sounding more emotional than she used to.

"No more tears at this wedding please," Santana tried to sound cool, but she couldn't hide the fact she was touched by Quinn's emotional reaction.

"Rachel!" Brittany squealed and jumped over to pull the shorter woman in a hug. "I missed you!"

"I missed you too," Rachel said while she tried to wiggle herself free from Brittany's strong grip. That girl still had more power than one would assume.

"So why are you two hanging out all by yourselves?" Santana inquired.

"Some stuff happened, but it's not that important," Quinn tried to explain without going into any details. It would only make Rachel upset again and that was the last thing she wanted to happen at this wedding.

"Mh," Santana wrinkled her nose. "Okay then."

"San, we have to do the toasts and speeches and stuff," Brittany chimed in, finally letting go of Rachel, who looked like she was short of breath.

"Yeah, right." Santana gave her now wife a smile that no other person on the planet had ever been graced with. A smile only reserved for Brittany. The dancer smiled back and forth between Quinn and Rachel, who were observing the two, wishing they would one day become the recipient of a smile just like that. But not from Santana of course.

The two exchanged a quick glance and realized they had thought the same thing. Rachel looked away shyly, so Quinn redirected her eyes towards the couple.

Santana, who was still quick-witted as ever, narrowed her eyes and let a knowing smile play around the edges of her mouth. However, she didn't say anything and just mustered Quinn with her 'I knew it!' look.

"Have fun!" Brittany told them, before she pulled Santana towards the center of the garden.

"Yeah, have fun!" Santana called over her shoulder and wiggled her eyebrows at them.

Quinn sat back down on her chair and emptied her wine in one gulp before she indicated to the waiter to fill up her glass once more.

XVXVX

The next hour went by quickly as it was filled with speeches and wishes for the brides which made Quinn tear up more than once while Rachel remained rather unaffected. Her connection with Brittany and Santana had never been particularly strong and she had barely seen or heard from them over the years. Of course, she was happy for them and wished them only the best, but that was about as far as it got.

After most people had enjoyed dinner and cake, the musicians were replaced by a DJ. Everybody laughed when the wives' first dance wasn't the classical waltz, but a mixture of twerking and shuffling. Probably this had been Brittany's idea.

"I'm going to the bathroom," Quinn excused herself. "I'll be right back, so don't run away."

Rachel nodded and looked after the blonde until she disappeared into the house. She sighed and swirled the remaining wine in her glass. She wondered what she was doing with Quinn. Whether she had made the wrong decision and was just being silly. She put the glass back on the table and watched people join in the dance. Everyone looked so happy and carefree. Kurt was presenting his signature moves which he had learned during their first visit to one of New York's most famous gay clubs. Rachel had been with him that day in order to forget about her break-up with Finn.

Rachel sighed and averted her eyes from the dancing crowd. Watching everybody having fun and smile at each other, she suddenly felt very lonely and out of place.

The sun had almost set and cool breezes were sending shivers down her exposed arms. Just when she thought about leaving the party early, Quinn appeared in front of her. She really must've feared that Rachel would leave, judging by the short time she had spent in the bathroom. Rachel straightened her back and tried to smile, so Quinn wouldn't worry unnecessarily.

The blonde smiled back and pulled something from behind her back. It was a pink rose. "Pink symbolizes admiration," Quinn explained as she waited for Rachel to take it. A breeze of cool air went through her shorter hair and Rachel swooned when the picture of that perfect women holding a pink rose burned itself into her memory.

"You admire me?" she asked and finally gave her a genuine smile.

"I do," Quinn replied. "And do me the favor to not tell Santana I stole this from her decorations."

Rachel chuckled as she imagined Santana's reaction should she find out about it. She'd go all Lima heights on Quinn.

"Thank you." Rachel took the flower and brought it to her nose. She closed her eyes as she inhaled the scent. When she opened them, Quinn was holding out her hand, an expectant look on her face.

"Would you like to dance with me?" she asked.

"A-are you sure?" Rachel stuttered taken aback. "With all those people around?"

"It's just a dance, Rach," Quinn laughed. "Come on, why not?"

Yes, why not? Rachel decided to go for it and took Quinn's hand.

The music was still upbeat and combined with the slight rush the wine was sending through her veins, Rachel was loosening up more easily than she had expected. They were joined by Brittany and Santana for a while before the two got caught up in a heated kiss. The couple took off hastily after a few minutes, leaving Quinn and Rachel with red faces.

Before they could recover from witnessing the newlywed's steamy make out session, the DJ decided to change the mood and played one of the cheesiest songs ever made: Reality by Richard Sanderson. Rachel noticed that couples were coming together all over the garden, starting to sway to the rhythm. Quinn and Rachel looked at each other, unsure what to do.

"We can take a break if you want," Quinn eventually suggested and was already about to turn and leave when Rachel held her back.

"Please dance with me," she whispered, so quietly, it was barely audible over the music. When Quinn looked at her it was as if she had just asked her to marry her, Rachel's mouth went dry and her heart started beating faster. Her hand felt hot on Quinn's wrist and she wondered whether Quinn felt it. She somehow wished it would leave a burning mark so the blonde would never forget this moment. And most importantly, never forget her.

Quinn nodded before she placed her hands on Rachel's waist and allowed the shorter woman to rest her hands on her shoulders. They started moving with the music and Rachel forgot everything around them. It was weird and potentially crazy that she was sort of with this woman now, but at the same time if felt as if it should've been this way all along. Rachel had always admired Quinn. Actually she had been weirdly obsessed with her. And only after she had left for New York, she had realized what those feelings really meant.

So was she in love with her? Rachel couldn't yet answer that question. All she knew was that she was and had always been attracted to Quinn. The real Quinn. The one behind the cheerio and then skanks mask. The one only she would see.

"You look beautiful," Quinn said and brought Rachel back into the present. She had to lean forward so Rachel could understand her over the music. Rachel looked up at her and smiled. "Thank you," she mouthed.

Quinn didn't bother to increase the space between them again and Rachel didn't mind at all. This moment felt just perfect and certainly better than everything she had experienced during the past couple of years. Quinn was making her feel so special and Rachel was finally figuring out the reason for it. Quinn was just being Quinn. And being with her was enough for her to feel special.

They kept dancing for a while, both of them not caring about the questioning looks they got from some of their former classmates. Neither of them knew what the following day would bring, so they were trying to hold on to this moment with all their heart. Just in case one of them would back out and eventually declare the promise void.

When the first guests started to leave, Rachel figured she'd better get home as well. Thanks to Quinn she was in a good mood and felt buoyant, but she was nonetheless tired of being surrounded by so many people who were judging her. Therefore, she saw no reason for her to stay any longer than necessary. Well, except for Quinn, but soon they would've to call it a night anyways.

"I want to leave as well," Quinn told Rachel when the brunette announced her departure. "Let's catch a ride and leave together," she suggested.

Rachel nodded. "Okay, let me go call an uber and you say goodbye to everybody. I'll meet you in front of the house."

Quinn didn't say anything. She figured that the diva preferred a quiet exit, so she let her leave the party first.

After Quinn had said her quick goodbyes to everybody, she went to meet Rachel. The brunette was standing on the pavement, her arms tightly wrapped around her middle. "You're cold," Quinn stated. Without further ado, she removed her blazer and placed it around Rachel's shoulders, the action bringing back the memories from their last encounter in New York like a deja vu.

"Thank you," Rachel said. "But aren't you feeling cold now?"

"Nah, I'm fine," Quinn asserted. It was the truth, since she could feel the wine warming her up from inside.

"When is the uber arriving? she asked.

Rachel checked her phone. "Five minutes left."

"I see."

They fell silent before Quinn spoke up again: "Rachel, can I ask you something?"

Rachel looked at Quinn and nodded, wondering what the blonde wanted to know. There were so many possibilities, but she just hoped it wouldn't be one of the questions, even she herself had no answer to.

Quinn cleared her throat as if she had trouble asking the question. "When we met in New York, you know, in the interior design store, you were about to say something before you left, weren't you?"

"I guess so," Rachel replied slowly while she recalled the situation.

Quinn pulled her bottom lip into her mouth and chewed on it a few times, before she asked: "What were you going to say to me back then?"

"Uhm," Rachel hesitated. "Actually I was going to ask whether you remember our promise." Rachel gave Quinn a tired smile. "But then that girl appeared."

"So you didn't want to ask about it in front of her and just ran away?" Quinn inquired without any trace of accusation.

"Kind of," Rachel replied evasively not really willing to let her day get ruined by going into details about that day.

"I wasn't seeing anybody back then, just so you know," Quinn said quietly.

"Really?" Rachel was surprised. "I thought that Lola-"

"What, Lola?!" Quinn asked, clearly taken aback. "She's just my roommate, Rachel. There's no chance I'd ever have something more than a friendship with her," she assured.

"Oh. I must've misunderstood" Rachel admitted feeling ashamed of herself for jumping to conclusions without knowing anything.

"So what about you? Where you seeing anyone back then?" Quinn asked and it was hard to determine whether the tone in her voice was hope or disappointment.

Slowly, Rachel shook her head.

"So if it hadn't been for that interruption…?" Quinn wondered out loud. "We might have started all this-" she gestured between Rachel and herself, for lack of a better word for their relationship, "already a long time ago?"

Rachel took a moment to think before she shook her head again. "No, I don't think so. I had an extraordinarily bad day back then, so I would've probably run away before even asking the question."

'Liar,' a voice inside her head chimed in. She would have asked. Deep inside her, Rachel knew that, but she didn't want to think about what might have happened if on that day she had asked the question. Maybe she'd be happier now. Maybe she would've celebrated her anniversary with Quinn already. Or maybe she would've had messed it all up and be a mess right now. Nobody could know the answer to that question.

"Oh. Okay," Quinn replied.

The uber arrived only a moment later and took the two women home. They were quiet during the ride, each of them lost in their own thoughts. Rachel could tell that Quinn was trying to process the information she had just heard and probably thinking about the same what if's Rachel was thinking about.

When she risked a glance at the blonde she was rubbing her head. Maybe she started to feel the many glasses of wine she had drunken during the night. Rachel turned her head and watched nightly Lima passing by the window.

Fifteen minutes later, the driver pulled up in front of Rachel's house. "Don't worry about the bill, I got it covered," Rachel informed Quinn and placed her hand on the latch. "He'll take you home."

Awkwardness was settling between them again, since she didn't know what to say to Quinn for goodbye. What did you say to someone who you were kind of dating without knowing what it would imply and how you were supposed to act from now on? Rachel started wondering whether she might've committed a mistake. All she suddenly wanted was to get back to New York, back to her miserable, but familiar life, where she wasn't accountable for anybody but herself.

"Good night, Quinn," Rachel settled for the plainest version of farewell. She didn't even wait for the blonde's response but opened the backdoor and got out of the car as fast as possible.

Only a moment later the uber took off, leaving Rachel behind. She watched the backlights for a while, before she turned around and walked towards the front door of her childhood home.

She still felt cold, so she wrapped the blazer tighter around her shoulders. Quinn's blazer. "Fuck," Rachel groaned. Undecidedly, she remained on the front porch, pondering whether she should just go inside and sleep or call Quinn and tell her she forgot to return her blazer.

Maybe the blonde had noticed and turned the car around? Rachel walked back to the street to check whether she could see anything in the dark, but there was no car approaching. She sighed and was about to turn around, when she suddenly could make out a silhouette in the distance. Rachel squinted and after a few seconds she recognized Quinn.

The blonde was running towards her, her hair bouncing up and down, her face full of determination.

"Quinn!" Rachel took off the blazer and waved it towards her.

"You forgot your-" was everything she could say before arms were wrapped around her waist and she felt soft lips on her own. Rachel stiffened in surprise and her first instinct was to break free and run away. But when she breathed in Quinn's scent of Chanel, white wine and a trace of tobacco, she started to relax into the blonde's embrace.

Rachel wasn't inexperienced in the girl's department. She had kissed women before, so she had already experienced how soft and tender girls' lips could be, but Quinn played in an entirely different league. She kissed Rachel slowly, yet, at the same time with such determination that it sent pleasant shivers all over Rachel's body. The brunette felt like she might start floating above the ground any minute.

Carefully, Rachel raised her arms and let them wander over Quinn's until she reached her shoulders. She wrapped her arms around Quinn's neck and pulled her closer until their bodies were finally flushed together completely.

She couldn't believe that she was sharing what must've been the best kiss of her life so far with no other than Quinn Fabray. Maybe she should've experimented in high school. That certainly would've opened her eyes.

Rachel moved her lips on Quinn's which made her head buzz blissfully. She could feel her upper lip, her bottom lip and - holy shit! - her tongue sweeping over her mouth. Rachel parted her lips slightly in order to meet Quinn's tongue which was warm and slick and still carried a taste of wine. The brunette started to exploring Quinn's mouth, but the blonde was quick in regaining her control and managed to relocate their kiss into Rachel's mouth.

Eventually, both women were out of breath and Quinn pulled back from Rachel and looked her in the eyes. She smiled and Rachel knew she must look flushed and all flustered. But so did Quinn.

"I just wanted to wish you a good night the proper way," Quinn said.

"I have to admit that you succeeded," Rachel replied bashfully and ducked her head.

Quinn took Rachel's hand in her own, the expression on her face becoming more serious. "When are you going back to New York?"

"Tomorrow morning," Rachel said. "I didn't plan to stay for long. Lima always depresses me."

"Yeah, I can relate," Quinn nodded. "I promised my mom to stay a while, so I'll head back in a couple of days." Quinn inhaled deeply and ran her fingers through her hair using her free hand. "Rachel, can we talk when I'm back in New York. Like, really talk? About us, I mean."

Rachel nodded. She knew that they had to talk about a lot of things. The first priority would be to define what exactly they were from now and how they would handle their 'relationship'. If she really wanted to try this with Quinn, they had to have an honest conversation.

"Yes, we should do that," Rachel said. "So you'll let me know when you're back?"

Quinn nodded and smiled at the shorter woman. God, the blonde was gorgeous and so was her smile. But it wasn't Quinn's undeniable beauty that made her heart bounce in her chest, it was the look in her eyes which was still the same it had been back in high school. That incomparable mixture of admiration and love. Of course Rachel wasn't so foolish to think that Quinn would really still love her just the same after all this time, but she was positive that at least a small portion of it had survived until today.

Rachel squeezed Quinn's hand, already feeling sad she would have to let go of it soon. "It's late, you should go home," she finally said, even though it cost her a lot of effort to make the first step in saying another goodbye.

"You're right. The driver is actually waiting around the corner, but I paid him more than enough, so he won't be mad at me for making him wait," Quinn replied.

"Don't forget your blazer this time." Rachel picked up the piece of clothing that had somehow dropped to the ground during their kiss and handed it to Quinn.

Quinn mustered the piece of cloth for a moment before she handed it back to Rachel. "For now just keep it. If you have it, you'll have to meet me in New York in order to return it." She winked to indicate she was joking, but deep down Rachel was well aware that she was fearing Rachel would run away from her again.

"Don't worry. I won't bail on you," Rachel assured, but kept the blazer anyways. Just to make sure, since she didn't trust herself either.

"Well, then I'll better get going," Quinn said. "Good night, Rach," she gave Rachel a chaste kiss on the cheek, which left a tingling sensation on the spot her lips had grazed.

"Good night Quinn." Rachel watched as Quinn turned around and slowly walked away from her.

"Quinn?!" Rachel called after the blonde was already a half-down the street. Quinn stopped her steps under a cone of a street light and turned around to look at Rachel.

"Yes?"

"You're still the prettiest girl I ever met. That hasn't changed." She didn't have to raise her voice much, since there were barely any noises at this time of day in Lima.

Quinn smiled.

"And you're still the brightest star in the sky," she replied. Without another word, she turned around and disappeared into the dark.

Rachel smiled and hugged Quinn's blazer. After what must've been more than a minute, she turned around and finally entered the house.

She had a feeling that life in New York would never be the same again.

A/N: This is the longest chapter so far, I hope you enjoyed it. What was your favorite chapter/scene so far? Let me know in the reviews! For me it was the last scene of this chapter.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Rachel opened her wardrobe and scanned the selection of clothes, which was – due to her financial constraints – disappointingly sparse. She pulled out a black minidress from a pile and mustered it skeptically before she tossed it to the floor. She couldn't wear that, after all, she had worn a similar piece to the wedding and didn't want to look like she only one possessed one set of clothes.

Rachel stuck her head further into the cupboard and shoved away a couple of argyle sweaters that had miraculously survived her several attempts to change her style over the years. After a couple of moments, she reemerged with a blue sleeveless blouse in one hand and skinny black jeans in the other.

Rachel tried on the selected outfit and considered it acceptable. After she had taken care of her hair, she checked her phone for the time. One of the screen notifications told her that a text from Quinn had arrived.

Rachel instantly got nervous as all kinds of scenarios started playing out in her head. Maybe Quinn was cancelling their 'date'? Maybe she regretted her choice and didn't want to see her again? Or maybe she was suffering from a terminal illness and tried pushing Rachel away before their feelings got too deep like in that British soap opera Mrs. Green used to watch? Rachel quickly unlocked her phone and tapped on the notification.

"I might be five minutes late. the metro took off right in front of my nose. :( I'm sorry :( I'll hurry!"

Rachel typed a reply before she tossed it onto her bed and rubbed over her eyes. Her heart couldn't decide between joyful anticipation and utter dread when thinking about her upcoming encounter with the blonde.

"I can do this," Rachel whispered and took a deep breath. She retrieved the phone from the bed, stuffed it into her purse and walked out her room.

"Rachel, you're going out?"

Fuck. Rachel internally rolled her eyes. Yet, she managed to force a wide Rachel-Berry-fake-smile on her face. "Mrs. Green, I thought you'd be at your knitting club meeting today?"

"Oh no, dear. Poor Thelma suffered a stroke, so it got cancelled," Mrs. Green replied in the same tone she used to talk about the weather. "Where are you going?"

"I'm just meeting a friend," Rachel mumbled, hoping to get out of the apartment soon.

"Which friend?" the elder lady kept inquiring. Why did she always wanted to know every little detail?

"Just Kurt," Rachel lied so she'd get out of this conversation, but she should've known better than to mention about him in front of Mrs. Green.

"That gay one?" she replied and pronounced the word 'gay' as if it were a contagious disease that caused infection by the lone pronunciation of the word. Her forehead showed even deeper wrinkles than usual as a sinister expression spread over her features.

"I told you to stay away from people like... that," she spat.

Rachel's smile started to crack and it cost her a lot of effort not to start throwing all the curse words she knew at her. "Don't worry, we had a huge fight, so I won't meet him anymore," Rachel explained. "I just have something I need to return to him."

"Well, then. I'm glad you finally know how to differentiate between right and wrong now. I told you I don't want you to support those sinners and their perverted lifestyles," Mrs. Green said while she absentmindedly rubbed the golden cross dangling from her fleshy neck.

Rachel clenched her fist, yet, she upheld her smile. "Don't worry. I know better than to surround myself with these kinds of people," she assured.

"What a good girl," Mrs. Green approved. "And don't forget the trash when you leave."

"Yes, Mrs. Green," Rachel replied mechanically. She left the old woman behind and took the bag of trash before she stepped out of the apartment.

When she through the entrance, she was welcomed by a sunny sky. One could say it was a perfect day in late spring. Rachel looked down on the smelly trash bag in her hand and sighed.

"At least you can get out of here," she mumbled before she threw it onto the pile of trash bags in front of their building.

XVXVX

"You put on perfume," Lola noted once Quinn stepped out of the bathroom. She was sitting on the grey couch that took most of the space in their living room and looked up from her phone. "Meeting someone special?"

"You could say so," Quinn replied and Lola could tell she was a little nervous. She could always tell how Quinn was feeling.

Her face fell for an ever so brief instant, but she managed to cover it with a friendly smile. Well, it was a fake smile, but Quinn didn't know that. She had never known. "You have a date?" she inquired more out of fear than curiosity.

"Kind of," Quinn replied vaguely. The blonde ran her fingers through her hair, a gesture which always looked so effortless yet carefully planned and executed. It made Quinn look even more perfect than she already was.

"What?! Tell me more!" Lola said, even though in reality, she didn't want to hear any of it.

Quinn checked her watch gave her an apologetic look. "I'm afraid I'm running late already, so I'll tell you the details later. Actually," she said and her cheeks colored slightly pink, "I'm on my way to meet Rachel."

"Rachel?" Lola asked in confusion, before it hit her. "Wait, what? That Rachel?"

Quinn nodded and her smile seemed to become even wider, which was quite a rare thing for the blonde. "Yeah that Rachel. It's quite a long story, but to make it short, we decided to keep our promise from back then."

Lola's smile disappeared and was replaced by a frown. "You can't be serious?" she huffed. "After all this time? You told me you were over her!"

Quinn's expression faltered at Lola's outburst. "Well, turns out I wasn't," she retorted. "I thought you'd be happy for me. After all you're the one who's always telling me to start dating!"

'Yes, dating me, stupid!' was what Lola thought, but of course she couldn't say it out loud. Not with Rachel back in the game.

She still remembered the day she had asked Quinn about the girl that had just run away all of sudden in the middle of their conversation. At first, Quinn had just shrugged it off, but later that day, while they were sharing a bottle of wine, Quinn had told her everything. Sometimes, Lola wished Quinn would've kept it all for herself.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it as an offense. I…I was just surprised, okay?" Lola tried to save the situation. "Please tell me how it went later. I'll be here watching Netflix." She gave Quinn a tentative smile and to her relief it was returned.

"You better get away from Netflix and start dating as well," Quinn remarked with a grin while she slipped into her black leather jacket.

"Oh shut up," Lola retorted and showed Quinn her middle finger, which was her usual reaction whenever Quinn brought up the topic. "Just get out of here already."

"I'm already gone," Quinn said and glanced at her watch. "Oh shit," she mumbled and without any further goodbyes she stormed out of the apartment.

"Rachel?" Lola huffed. "Fuck that bitch."

XVXVX

With her chin resting on her hands, Rachel was observing the people passing by the window: Business people, teenagers of various subcultures, a bulk of Chinese tourists. She liked this place, because she could watch people of all sizes and shapes one could think of and it made her feel that she wasn't so weird after all. She was just another human being among billions of others, which was somehow a soothing thought. Maybe being special wasn't everything after all.

She looked across the room when she heard a bell sound from the entrance indicating the arrival of a new customer. There she was. Live and in color.

Rachel straightened her position and made an awkward movement with her hand, which could have been interpreted as waving Quinn over.

Quinn's expression lightened up as soon as she saw the brunette and she hurried towards the table.

"Hey," she greeted her shily. "Sorry, I'm late. Did you wait long?"

"No, never mind", Rachel replied and gestured the other woman to sit down.

Quinn sat down across from Rachel and let her eyes wander through the room. "This place is lovely. You come here often?"

"From time to time," Rachel said pensively while she followed the blonde's gaze. She liked how there were always enough customers for her not to stick out, but still few enough to enjoy a drink in peace. Plus, the sumptuous flower decoration was just perfect for taking pictures for Instagram. Well, she had not been doing that for a while now, but maybe she'd start again. Who knew?

Quinn turned back to Rachel, who pulled out the menu from its stand and placed it between them on the table. "I usually have one of the milkshakes, but the cake here is also really good," Rachel explained.

Quinn tilted her head to get a better look at the menu. While she studied it, Rachel took the chance to dare a few glances. Seeing Quinn again after more than a week felt like years had passed. Maybe that was due to the fact that there never had been less than a year between their past encounters. After the wedding, they had exchanged a couple of texts, but they had been trivial in nature and mainly concerned setting up their date or whatever this was they were having right now. Seeing Quinn here in front of her somehow felt unreal and more like Rachel's imagination was playing tricks on her.

All of sudden, Rachel felt the need to reach out and stroke back that strand of golden silky hair which had fallen into Quinn's forehead. But she didn't. Instead she shoved her hands under her thighs to keep them where they were.

Quinn keep her eyes on the menu, but Rachel noticed the small smile playing around her lips. She probably had noticed her staring. Rachel cursed herself that even though she had changed a lot since high school, her sense of subtleness still hadn't improved.

When the waitress came to take their order, Quinn got an iced americano for herself, a raspberry milkshake for Rachel and a piece of cheesecake for them to share.

"So how was your week?" Quinn asked after the waitress had taken off again.

Rachel thought about the countless hours of research about auditions she could have applied for if she would have wanted to. She also thought about the day and night she had invested into scrolling through various social media in order to find out what her former peers from NYADA were doing nowadays while pondering whether to get in touch with some of them again. But in the end she hadn't.

"Nothing special. I researched about auditions and news of the musical world," Rachel replied. It was almost the truth. "I also had to do some housework, because the apartment was a little messy when I got back from Lima."

"Do you live alone?" Quinn asked.

Rachel shook her head. "I live with an elderly lady. Her name is Mrs. Green and she lets me live with her for free."

Quinn frowned when she heard that piece of information. "For free? But why?"

"She's a retired professor from NYADA and I met her after a show. That day she told me I'd remind her of her daughter who died in a car accident long ago. I accidentally met her again after graduation and she suddenly invited me to live with her," Rachel explained and shrugged.

"She must've felt very lonely then. Poor old lady," Quinn said, but Rachel just let out a cold laugh.

"No, no, she is far the opposite from a poor old lady, believe me," she scoffed. "Narcissistic, homophobic and xenophobic old hag would be more on point."

Quinn looked at her in confusion. "Really? How so?"

"Well, first of all, she is super catholic, even more than your parents, and she thinks that everything that deviates only the slightest from her worldview is wrong, sinful and not something I should surround myself with. You should've seen her face when I brought Kurt over for the first time."

"Rachel, I don't understand. How can you live with such a person?" Quinn asked incredulously. "I mean, you have two gay dads and you're not exactly straight as well…"

Rachel laughed sarcastically. "I guess that's the price I have to pay for staying there for free. I got used to it. I listen, say yes and amen to everything she says and then I go away. Also, she thinks I'm a Christian raised in a traditional family. It makes things a little easier."

"But why don't you just move out?" Quinn asked with an incredulous look.

"I would've done that already, but my financial situation isn't exactly...comfortable," Rachel answered quietly. She hoped Quinn wouldn't delve into the topic too deep. She really didn't want to tell her that she lied to her dads about her living conditions and current financial situation. Not yet.

"I'm trying to become independent from my dads, so I don't want their financial help. That's why I can't afford moving out right now." She tried to hold eye contact with Quinn, but after a second she had to look away.

XVXVX

When Rachel evaded her eyes, Quinn was sure that Rachel was either lying or not telling her the whole truth. However, she figured it would be better to wait until the brunette opened up to her by her own choice. She knew she couldn't force any more information out of her than she was willing to provide at this moment. The blonde leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs. "Okay, but please try to get out of there soon," she said.

Rachel looked back at Quinn and nodded. "I'll try."

An awkward silence fell over the two. Both knew they had to ask one important question. What exactly were they? Friends? Casually dating? A couple?

Rachel clenched her hands she was still sitting on into fists while Quinn chewed on her bottom lip. Both were trying to find the proper words to make the question sound less silly.

Just when Quinn was finally about to make a move, the waitress appeared with a tray and placed their orders on the table.

Quinn leaned forward and handed Rachel one of the forks. "Bon appetit. Today's on me."

"You don't have to-", Rachel protested, but Quinn interrupted her.

"I'm earning quite well nowadays, so I want to invite you."

"Thank you," Rachel mumbled with her lips around the straw of her milkshake. Quinn was dying to know how she happened to give up on veganism, but she knew that wasn't the most important issue at the moment.

Quinn stared into her coffee while she stirred it with her straw. She cleared her throat and was once more about to try bringing up the topic, but to her surprise Rachel was faster.

"What are we Quinn?" the brunette blurted out, her eyes full of nervousness and confusion.

Quinn stopped stirring and watched the brown liquid making another turn inside the glass until it stopped moving. It had all seemed so easy when they had been sitting on Santana's balcony. Almost as easy as watching the clouds passing by above them. But Santana's garden had been a different world for both of them. It had let them be their high school selves for a day, but this was New York, the city where they had been growing apart for seven long years.

"I don't know," Quinn replied honestly. She looked at Rachel. "What do you want this to be? After all, it was you who suggested keeping the promise in the first place." She didn't mean it to sound accusing or ridiculing in any way, but as soon as the words had left her mouth, she could see insecurity and doubt in Rachel's expression.

"No, Rachel, don't understand this the wrong way. I want this. I really do, okay?" Quinn tried to reassure her. "I just want to hear your honest opinion on what you had in mind that day."

"To be honest, I wasn't thinking of any definition or clear concept," Rachel said. "The only thing I knew is that I'd like to be with you." Rachel laughed nervously, before she added: "I guess that didn't clarify anything, did it?"

Quinn watched Rachel grabbing her glass tighter. She didn't reply, but waited for the brunette to continue. She knew that Rachel Berry was someone who wanted to be listened to. She had always been. And eventually Quinn's assumption proved right and Rachel continued.

"I just know that I want to get to know you better. Get to know you again." Rachel sighed. "We might not be the same people we were in high school. Also, I don't even know whether you still have feelings for me and…I'm not entirely sure about the nature of my feelings for you as well." It was obvious that Rachel was trying hard to find the right words to explain her point of view, because the lines on her forehead had become even deeper than before.

"The one thing I know for sure is that I feel happier when I'm with you," she added. "This makes you a very special person in my life, Quinn."

Quinn listened and smiled serenely. She was well aware that Rachel might not have the same feelings she still harbored somewhere inside her. She also knew she might have her heart ripped into pieces for good. But she also knew that she just couldn't allow herself to give up on this chance she had waited for so long. She at least had to try her best.

"Thanks for being honest with me," Quinn said. "I don't expect you to know about this and your feelings. To be frank, I'm also not sure how to do deal with this situation, but I have something in mind, I'd like to suggest."

"What do you have in mind?"

"How about we try this 'being together'-thing for around three months?" Quinn said. "We make it an exclusive relationship, but as soon as you feel uncomfortable in it or you're suddenly certain that your feelings for me are nothing more than friendship, you can cancel this whole thing anytime."

Rachel nodded slowly while she listened to Quinn's suggestion. "So what will happen when the three months are over?"  
"Well, I guess, then we can decide whether to continue as real partners or not." Quinn shrugged. "I know it sounds kind of stupid, but it's the only thing that comes to my mind and it would present us with some kind of guideline so we know what we are."

Rachel nodded once more. "Okay, so it'll be something like a test-run? It sounds like a movie trope," she chuckled. "I like it."

Quinn had to admit that it indeed sounded like something Rachel Berry would like. She just hoped it would turn out a romantic comedy with songs and not a depressing arthouse movie.

"So you'll be my girlfriend for the next three months?" Quinn asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes", Rachel replied with a wide smile.

"Okay then. Let me have some cake now," Quinn laughed.

They both felt relieved that they had finally talked about the issue and had at least a little more clarity about where they were going with this. Quinn kept fantasizing about how the coming weeks might turn out while dug her fork in the cake and put a bite into her mouth.

"Wow," she said. "This is amazing."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

This time it was Rachel who was late. Quinn pulled out her phone and checked the time: 11:07 am. And no text from Rachel.

Quinn wondered whether the brunette had forgotten about their date. Or maybe she had decided not to come? It wouldn't be all that surprising considering the strange behavior she displayed sometimes.

Quinn looked around, but there were only a couple of tourists around. They were entering the New York Aquarium she intended to visit with Rachel today. Quinn sighed and checked her phone once more, even though the lack of vibration already indicated that she hadn't received any new messages.

She walked over to one of the benches near the entrance and closed her eyes, letting the warm sunshine of early June caress her face.

When she opened her eyes after a few moments, she nearly got a heart attack.

"Hi, Quinn," a very pretty Rachel Berry grinned only inches away from her face.

"Rachel!" Quinn complained, but all she felt was relief about finally seeing the other woman.

"I'm sorry I'm late, Mrs. Green wouldn't let me leave before taking care of the dishes and on my way here I noticed that I've forgotten to charge my phone," Rachel explained. "I hope you didn't wait long?"

"Don't worry, it's fine," Quinn assured. "I thought you might've forgotten about me." She meant for it to sound like a joke, but Rachel seemed to sense the silent truth in her words right away. She lowered her head and started fidgeting with the strap of her small brown purse.

Quinn realized that she had hurt Rachel with her words, which had been the last thing she had wanted. "No Rachel, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it sound that way!"

Rachel looked up at her, the joyous expression from earlier was gone. "Don't you trust me, Quinn?" she asked.

"No, Rachel, I do!" Quinn protested. Wow, how could their first date take a turn for the worse so quickly? Quinn could sense Rachel's defenses building up, so she had to react quickly. She let her brain work for a second, before she decided to follow her gut feeling. She reached out and grabbed the brunette's hand, which was small and warm and actually just perfect.

Quinn inhaled deeply, before lifting up Rachel's chin with her free hand. "I'm sorry Rachel. I do trust you. Please believe me." Her words seemed to reach the diva, so she kept talking "I'm just afraid you might not want to be into this dating-thing anymore. This really isn't about you, but about my own groundless fears, okay?"

Much more than that, Quinn was afraid to lose Rachel again. But how could she possibly confess to her that she had kind of loved her all this time without sounding pathetic and crazy? And how could she tell her she was afraid of losing her, when she never really had her in the first place?

"You don't have to be afraid of that," Rachel mumbled finally. "I won't run away anymore."

Quinn gave Rachel's hand a little squeeze before she got up from the bench. She held her hand out for Rachel to take.

"So are you ready to see some fish?" she asked and smiled.

Rachel smiled back at before she took her hand and got up as well.

"Always," she said.

"Then let's go."

"By the way, did you bring my blazer?" Quinn asked as they steered towards the entrance.

Rachel blushed. "I'm afraid I forgot to bring it."

"Again?" Quinn laughed. "Seems like you really want to have a reason to keep meeting me." She winked at Rachel, who looked at her guiltily.

"I swear I'll bring it next time. I'm not a thief," Rachel replied.

Quinn just looked at her and smiled. Who needed a designer blazer when you could have Rachel Berry instead?

XVXVX

Luckily there weren't too many people in the aquarium. Since Rachel didn't work and Quinn was a freelancer, they could visit the place on a weekday, when only a few tourists and some families were roaming around the wide halls filled with marine animals from all over the world.

Rachel hadn't questioned Quinn's choice of location for their first date, but she was starting to get curious about her motivation when she noticed the pure fascination in Quinn's eyes as they passed by the first couple of aquariums.

"Have you always been into fish?" Rachel inquired when they came to a halt in front of a tank containing colorful fish from the yellow sea.

"Not really," Quinn replied while her eyes followed a small yellow fish trying to hide behind a piece of seaweed. "When I was halfway through college, I had a phase when I questioned all the choices I'd made so far and I used to feel really stressed and anxious. But one day, my sister came for a visit and we decided to come here. I noticed how relaxing it is to just look at the fish and the plants moving in the water."

"Did you sometimes regret getting into music and composing?" Rachel asked.

Quinn nodded. "Yes, I did. I sometimes thought I might not be good enough for it. Especially since I didn't start composing Mozart-like masterpieces from the age of three like some of my classmates apparently did." She rolled her eyes at the thought of them before she continued.

"But in the end I stuck with it, because I noticed I was getting better and better, which made me more confident I guess. That's why I stopped caring about others and just did my thing. Now I am glad I didn't give up because I love my job." She smiled and turned around to go to the next room in the aquarium.

Rachel didn't follow her right away but thought about what Quinn had just said. Why had she not managed to regain that kind of confidence? Maybe she hadn't tried hard enough? She abruptly shook her head to her rid of the thought before she hurried to catch up with Quinn.

"What were you thinking about?" Quinn asked once Rachel was walking by her side again.

"Nothing really," Rachel replied. "I just asked myself why I've never been here before. I really like it."

"Well, you're here with me now at last. Better late than never," Quinn smiled, but the smile didn't quite reach her eyes. She probably knew that Rachel had been thinking about other things. For a person she had only met five times during the last seven years, she knew Rachel way too well.

The two continued their exploration of the aquarium and Rachel had to admit that Quinn had been right. It was indeed calming to watch the fish move around in patterns and to observe the underwater plants swaying in the currents. It was as if she would be getting sucked into the tank if she just looked at it for long enough.

They had arrived at an arch which was completely out of glass and filled with water, so fish were moving all around them. Both of them looked at the ceiling, trying to make out what type of fish were surrounding them.

After a short while, Rachel averted her eyes and looked at Quinn. The light from inside the aquarium painted a floating pattern of waves on her face, which made the situation seem somewhat surreal.

Rachel observed the blonde and tried to figure out what she was thinking about. Was she thinking about the neon colored fish with the long tail fin which was passing by above their heads? Or was she perhaps wondering whether she was doing the right thing with Rachel? Or was it neither of those?

Almost subconsciously, Rachel let her hand slip into Quinn's and even though Quinn didn't avert her eyes from the aquarium, Rachel saw that she smiled. And this time, her smile was a genuine one.

"Thank you," Quinn whispered and finally looked at her.

"For what?"

"For being here with me."

Rachel smiled and squeezed Quinn's warm hand.

After they had spent a good two hours at the aquarium, they began to feel hungry, so they left and moved to the nearby Coney Island beach, which was already full of people. They had ramen at a small Japanese restaurant and it was delicious, but when Quinn tried to pay for both of them, Rachel interfered and made them spit the bill.

Afterwards, Quinn had an after-lunch smoke and Rachel waited for her a few feet away, because she didn't want to die early from passive-smoking induced lung cancer.

She watched the blonde drag on her cigarette before she blew the smoke into the air, where it became invisible against the bright sunlight. Quinn had told her she had started smoking the night they had their first glee reunion. Even though she had not admitted it, Rachel had a feeling that she might have been the trigger of it. If she had told Quinn the truth back then…what would have happened? Where would they be right now? Rachel looked away and quickly shut the door to the hidden room in her mind, which she had just opened. What if's wouldn't get her anywhere anyways.

When Quinn finished her cigarette, she walked up to Rachel and smiled.

"Want to take a walk?"

Rachel nodded. "Can we also have ice cream later?"

Quinn laughed and if freshly melted marshmallows on a cool summer night had a sound, that would've described it. "Sure, absolutely," she said.

They walked along the path that led along the coast of the island. When they passed by an ice cream parlor, Quinn bought them some before they walked closer to the water. The two found a spot with less people and sat down in the sand, which was heated up by the early afternoon sun.

Rachel and Quinn watched the waves coming and going while they occupied themselves with their ice-creams.

Rachel glanced at Quinn who seemed to be lost in thoughts. She could imagine what the blonde wanted to say to her. She knew that they had to talk about some things eventually, but she hoped they could do it in small bits and pieces.

"So do you have any plans for the future?" Quinn asked after a while. Her voice sounded careful.

Rachel, about to put a spoonful of lemon ice cream into her mouth – lowered the spoon and looked up at her, a little taken aback by the question. She had expected her to ask about the past rather than the future.

"P-plans?", she stuttered. No, she hadn't. But she couldn't say that, obviously. It would make her look like a loser, wouldn't it?

"Uhm, yes, of course I have," Rachel stammered. "Eventually I want to be on stage. That's why I went to NYADA after all." She laughed nervously and hoped Quinn would be satisfied with her answer.

Quinn raised an eyebrow. "So why didn't you get any roles yet? I mean, aren't there auditions almost every day somewhere in New York?"

Rachel placed her cup of ice cream next to her. She averted her eyes from Quinn and watched another wave come and go. And then another one. She sighed and dug her feet deep into the sand, not caring that it all went into her shoes which would be really uncomfortable later on.

"I didn't really go to any auditions for the past two years," she mumbled before she lowered her head and fixated a point between her feet.

She could feel Quinn's incredulous eyes on her, but Rachel made no attempt to make eye contact. The blonde, too, let go of her ice cream and turned towards Rachel.

"But you told me you were going on auditions and stuff," she said.

Rachel shook her head weakly. "No, I only said that I was researching about it. And I really did. I just didn't apply, that's all."

"But why?" Quinn asked quietly. "Why would you not audition? You're talented after all."

Quinn looked at Rachel and waited for her to answer, but she didn't show any reaction.

"Rachel-," she tried once again, not knowing that she was pressuring Rachel with her questioning.

"Because I'm not good enough, okay?!" Rachel snapped, feeling anger boiling inside of her. Why did she had to answer the same questions again and again? Some people turned their heads and stared at her, but she was too angry to register it.

"I'm just not fucking good enough!" she screamed again with tears in her eyes before she suddenly jumped up and dashed towards the ocean.

After a few dozen feet, the diva came stopped just at the point at which the waves halted before retreating and becoming one with the ocean again. Hopefully the ocean wouldn't mind a few of her tears joining as well.

Quinn would certainly be angry at her for screaming like that, so she would just wait here until she could be sure that the blonde had walked away. It would be for the better. Easier and less confusing.

How could she tell Quinn everything anyways? There were things she wouldn't admit to herself even, let alone to another person.

She would've only hurt the blonde and that was the last thing she'd want. Rachel rather lived miserably and alone than hurting the only person that had ever made her feel truly special.

She decided to watch ten more waves coming and going before she'd leave the beach. That would give Quinn enough time to leave. So there the first wave arrived, then the second. And then, just when the third wave was about to retreat into the ocean again, she felt arms.

Wonderful, slender but strong arms that were being wrapped around her from behind. They were accompanied by a tickling of soft hair on Rachel's cheek and a scent of Chanel with traces of tobacco and saltwater.

As soon as Quinn's arms were completely enclosing Rachel's small body, she rested her chin on Rachel's shoulder and Rachel took back everything she had thought just a moment before.

She wouldn't let Quinn go. She couldn't. This was everything she needed right now.

Rachel closed her eyes and for a second she could only hear the waves coming and going.

"I'm sorry," Quinn said softly. Hearing the suppressed whimper in the blonde's voice made Rachel sick and she immediately regretted her earlier outburst.

"No," she shook her head. "I am sorry. I shouldn't have reacted like that."

Quinn took a deep breath and Rachel could feel it on her neck. She lifted her hand and cupped Quinn's cheek. Quinn closed her eyes at the touch and inhaled deeply.

Even though they couldn't see each other's faces, they both knew that for now, they would let go of the topic. But eventually they'd have to talk about it. When and how exactly? Neither of them knew.

Quinn didn't say anything, probably because she was afraid to upset Rachel again, so she just pulled her tighter to her chest and clung onto her as if Rachel were a life preserver in the open ocean.

"Do you think we can do this?" Rachel asked after a while.

Quinn didn't have to ask what she meant. She took another deep breath before she replied: "I don't know."

Rachel turned around in Quinn's arms until she was facing her. She looked up at the blonde and saw worry and uncertainty in her expression. But there was more. Rachel still remembered that look as if it had been only yesterday. The bits of love and admiration were still there, but seemed to be almost overshadowed by the fear that Rachel could cause in the blonde. It was the same look in her eyes that had been there when she had confessed to Rachel. It was heard to believe that she might have preserved these emotions for seven years.

"I want to be with you," Rachel whispered.

Quinn gave her a tentative smile. Then she pulled Rachel closer again and connected their lips in a shy kiss.

Rachel's eyes fluttered briefly before they went shut, blending out everything but Quinn. She slowly started returning the kiss, increasing its intensity a little.

This kiss felt different than their last one. Less wild and adventurous, but still equally passionate. It felt as if Rachel was a sailor who was returning to the port, she had started a journey around the world. It felt like home.

Quinn, too, had closed her eyes and tried to convey all the things she hadn't been able to tell Rachel through the kiss. Kissing Rachel felt wonderful and made her forget all the hardships that had led to this moment. She felt like she'd rather die than letting go of these soft lips again.

She still wasn't sure about Rachel's feelings for her, but if Rachel kissed her like that there could be no way there were no feelings at all. It gave Quinn new hope and she held the brunette tighter as she let her tongue sweep over the brunette's bottom lip.

'I still love you, Rachel Berry,' Quinn thought when Rachel granted her entrance.

XVXVX

"How was your date?" Lola inquired when Quinn entered their apartment. She was in the midst of preparing quesadillas for dinner, one of Quinn's favorite foods.

Quinn let herself drop into a chair without even taking off her jacket. "It was great and catastrophic at the same time", she sighed.

"What do you mean?" Lola placed a tortilla in the fry pan while glancing at the blonde. Maybe not everything was lost yet?

"It's hard to explain. I don't really understand it myself," Quinn said. She leant forward and rested her head in her hands. "I feel like there are things she's not telling me, but when I ask too much about it, she withdraws. It's like she's a different person sometimes. And I don't hate that, but I want to understand, you know?" Quinn sighed once more and rubbed over her eyes, not caring that she messed up her make-up in the process.

After Lola had put the lid on the pan to let everything warm up she took the chair next to Quinn and placed a hand on the blonde's knee. She knew she had to place her cards well in order to push her in the right direction. Which was towards herself of course.

"Quinn, I don't mean to discourage you, but don't you think this all sounds a little crazy?"

Quinn looked up at her roommate, not knowing what she was getting at.

"So much time has passed and it is only natural that people change. Your have changed and so has Rachel." Lola made all effort to not spit out the woman's name as if it were venom. Quinn didn't really need to know about her spite for Rachel yet.

"Even if you try, you two might never be able to have the relationship you wanted, Quinn. From what I heard, it only seems as if Rachel is experimenting a little and will leave you hurt in the end."

"She's not experimenting," Quinn replied. "She's not straight and I know that she has been with other girls in the past."

"Oh honey, I don't mean the gay thing," Lola clarified. "I mean you. She knows that you have loved her back then and now that she doesn't have somebody else and you were conveniently there, well, she just seized the opportunity. At least that's what it seems like."

"No, we made this promise and it meant more than that," Quinn defended Rachel. But secretly she wasn't so sure anymore. She never asked Rachel what had moved her to suggest the promise. Maybe Lola wasn't entirely wrong.

Lola was starting to lose her nerves. She couldn't believe how oblivious Quinn was. This Rachel-girl was clearly just messing with Quinn. No way she could have any feelings for the blonde after such a long time. "You were only eighteen when you made that stupid promise. How can it still have the same meaning?" she asked slightly agitated.

"It is NOT a stupid promise, okay?" Quinn replied, clenching her teeth. She too was starting to become angry, but more at the possible truth behind Lola's words than at her roommate herself.

"Quinn, look at you! You came here sighing about your date with Rachel, when you should be all rainbows and butterflies!" Lola retorted louder than before. "How can you ever become happy with her? How?"

Quinn jumped up from her chair and glared at Lola, who suddenly regret her outburst. But it was too late. She had woken the HBIC that still slumbered somewhere inside Quinn and was always ready to resurface once in a while.

"Maybe I don't need rainbows and butterflies," she said calmly. It was almost scary how the woman always stayed outside the area of screaming and rage but became utterly serene and icy when others would be fuming. "I thought you as my best friend would be more supportive of my decisions. You don't know anything about Rachel, so how can you judge our relationship like this?"

Quinn sounded accusing, which made Lola regret her aggressive behavior, but what else should she do? She was the one who'd make Quinn happy. She couldn't just let Rachel take it all away.

"This is me being supportive," she grumbled. "I'm just letting you know that you're making a mistake. I don't want to see you get hurt, Quinn. But I am pretty sure that's how you end up if you continue seeing her."

"Well, I'd rather get hurt than not see her again," Quinn snapped. She gave Lola another angry glare and walked out of the kitchen.

"Wait, what about the quesadilla?!" Lola called after her, but Quinn had already shut her bedroom door.

"Fucking Rachel Berry," Lola whispered through clenched teeth as she stood in the middle of the kitchen.

XVXVX

Late in the evening when Lola had retreated into her bedroom and the apartment had become dark, Quinn quietly slipped out of her room and into the kitchen. She took out a bottle of red wine from the fridge and brought it to their apartment's tiny balcony. She sat down on one of the two plastic chairs they had bought at IKEA last summer. She would've enjoyed the scenery if there had been any. But since their apartment was located on the third floor, all she could see was the façade of the building on the opposite side.

Quinn pulled out the cork from the bottle and drank a long sip. She hadn't bothered to bring a glass since she'd finish the bottle anyways. She still felt agitated but the sweet taste of wine managed to make her calm down a bit.

She leant back in the chair and lit a cigarette. Then she watched one of the windows, which was still illuminated. The couple on the third floor seemed to be fighting again. Quinn wasn't surprised since she had seen them arguing almost every time she came out here.

Quinn dragged on her cigarette and watched the smoke rise into the night sky. She thought back to the day when she had watched the stars with Rachel in front of Breadstix. Here in New York, they were invisible. Almost like Rachel. She had been a bright star in Lima, but something had made her feel invisible in New York. That much Quinn had been able to figure out.

Quinn thought back at their kiss on the beach. A smile played around her lips when she remembered Rachel's taste. But at the same time she felt this sensation of sadness because she was aware that it all might end soon. Maybe Lola was right after all.

How could she be with Rachel if she hid things from here? But maybe Quinn would only need to give Rachel time and be patient. They had agreed to act on their promise barely two weeks ago. Maybe she was expecting too much too soon.

Quinn brought the bottle to her lips and took another gulp. Then she pulled out her phone and scrolled through her texts until she found her conversation with Rachel.

Her thumb hovered over the keyboard, unsure what to text her kind of girlfriend. Maybe she should be the one to be totally honest first. Tell Rachel how she really felt about her.

Quinn wondered why Rachel had not asked her about it yet. Did she expect her to love her the same as before? Old Rachel would've done that, but this Rachel? It was hard to tell.

Quinn shook off the thought and started typing.

Good night, Rachel. I already miss you. 

And I still love you.

XVXVX

At the other end of New York, Rachel was lying in bed scrolling through Instagram when she saw a message of Quinn popping up on her display.

Good night, Rachel. I already miss you. 

Rachel smiled when she thought about the blonde lying probably in bed right now too.

Have a good night and sweet dreams, Quinn. I miss you too. Call me on the weekend. 

Just before Rachel was about to turn off her phone, a reply popped up.

I will.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

"Thank you so much Mr. Dunphy," Rachel said as she shook the café owner's hand enthusiastically.

"I have to thank you," Mr. Dunphy replied. "I'll see you next week then. Oh and if you want, you can order a drink before you go. It's on the house." He smiled before he retreated into the kitchen to prepare the cafe's small selection of sandwiches.

Feeling proud of herself, Rachel exited the café with a cappuccino in one and her phone in the other hand.

"Quinn?"

"Hey Rachel, how did it go?" Quinn said through the phone. She sounded sleepy even though it was already 10 am. Maybe she had been working all night again.

"I got a job!" Rachel squealed in excitement.

"You got it?" Quinn replied. "I knew they'd hire you! You're like their best customer after all! Congratulations, Rachel. I am really proud of you."

Rachel's heart fluttered when she heard the blonde's compliment.

"Since I'll be making money from next week, I'd like to buy you dinner today. If you have time for me that is," Rachel suggested. "We could go to that Vietnamese place you told me about the other day."

Quinn thought about it for a moment before she replied: "That sounds lovely. How about we meet there around eight?"

"Great," Rachel smiled. Finally, she'd be able to pay for their date. It really bothered her that Quinn had to bear the majority of their date expenses so far, but she was about to change that.

"Also, Rachel?" Quinn interrupted her thoughts.

"Yeah?"

"I always have time for you."

Rachel swooned and felt like a pair of tiny wings would grow out of her shoulders and lift her off the floor. Life was finally starting to get better.

"I'm delighted to hear that," Rachel giggled into the phone. "I'll see you later then."

"Later," Quinn replied and hung up.

Walking more upright than usual, Rachel made her way back towards her apartment. She felt relieved because she finally managed to achieve something, even though it was only a part-time work at her favorite café. She had visited it with Quinn last week and the blonde had noticed the announcement saying they were looking for new staff. Rachel had never thought she'd work there one day, but seeing the shockingly low number of zeros behind the '2' on her bank account balance combined with some encouraging words by Quinn, she had eventually decided to apply for the job.

Life was still far from perfect and so was her relationship with Quinn, but Rachel finally felt more optimistic. She not only managed to land this job, but she had also not gotten into any fights with Quinn over the last two weeks.

There were still many things left unspoken between them, but Rachel felt more confident about opening up to the blonde. Her trust in Quinn was building slowly and so were her feelings. The diva still could not clearly define the nature of her feelings for Quinn, but she knew for sure that it was something way more than friendship. Nobody had ever made her feel those infamous butterflies in her stomach with their kisses. Even Finn had only scratched the surface in that regard.

When Rachel opened the door to the apartment, she heard Mrs. Green's voice from the living room. Hopefully she was just on the phone. But then a second voice joined in and Rachel rolled her eyes. Mrs. King, Mrs. Green's younger sister, must've come to visit.

She hesitated a moment, pondering whether she should just turn around and go spend the day somewhere else. But since she needed her laptop, she had no choice but to enter. She sighed and walked into the apartment.

"Rachel, is that you?" Mrs. Green's voice came from the other room.

"Yes!" Rachel called, hoping she could just walk into her room without having to talk to the two old ladies.

"Why don't you join us for a while?" Mrs. Green asked.

Rachel rolled her eyes once more and stuck her head through the door leading into the living room.

"Oh Rachel dear. How are you?" Mrs. King asked. She sounded friendly, but Rachel knew that she was pretty much a clone of her sister who loved to talk about the decay of society and the world without respecting anybody's feelings but her own.

"Fine," Rachel replied conscientiously and forced a smile on her face, which was easier than usual, since she was still in a good mood from earlier.

"Why don't you sit down with us?" Mrs. Green gestured towards the free seat on the sofa. "There is still some coffee left."

"I'd like to, but I have to do some research about the new productions opening in fall," Rachel tried to excuse herself. "You two have probably a lot to catch up on about, so don't mind me."

"Alright dear. We have to leave soon for our lunch reservation anyways."

Rachel nodded and retreated into her room. As soon as the door had closed behind her she flopped on the bed and closed her eyes.

"She's still a little strange, don't you think?" she heard Mrs. King's dull voice say through the wall.

"Well, no wonder with parents like that," Mrs. Green replied.

"This is why those people shouldn't be allowed to raise children. Nothing good can come out of it," her sister agreed.

Rachel reached for her phone and turned on some music so that she wouldn't have to hear them anymore. So much for being in a good mood.

XVXVX

Quinn had arrived a couple of minutes early, so she pulled out a cigarette and lighter in order to have a quick smoke before Rachel would join her.

She leaned back against the brick wall next to the restaurant and inhaled deeply. She was happy for Rachel even though her career would be starting far from what she had imagined. She smiled as she thought about walking into the café and giving Rachel a surprise visit. Maybe she'd do that next week.

Quinn was about to run her fingers through her hair when she remembered that she had put it into a short ponytail today. So instead, she turned on her front camera and checked whether everything was still in place.

"Like what you see?" a voice suddenly asked from her right.

Quinn flinched and turned around. "Rachel!"

"So do you?" Rachel chuckled.

"Mh, I prefer staring at you rather than at myself" Quinn grinned.

Rachel blushed, but countered: "I know I'm sexy, so stare all you want."

Now it was Quinn's turn to blush. However, she couldn't help but admit that Rachel looked stunning in her hot pants and black blouse.

"Okay" Quinn mumbled before she threw away the cigarette stub. "Let's go inside."

They entered the small restaurant and a waiter showed them to a table in the back where they ordered drinks and two bowls of pho along with a set of spring rolls.

The two women spent a good two hours at the restaurant, talking about Rachel's new job and Quinn's decision to take on a new project for a B-movie production, which might be another step for her to enter the real big business one day.

There were still awkward moments between them when they weren't sure what to say or whether they could ask a certain question or not, but these moments were becoming less and less. Even holding hands over the table had become a totally natural action to both of them.

When the restaurant was about to close, Rachel paid for both of them and they exited the building.

"I don't want to go home yet," Rachel said, voicing exactly what Quinn was thinking.

Quinn took Rachel's hand in hers and smiled. "How about I invite you for a drink? Since you paid for dinner."

Rachel looked into Quinn's eyes and nodded. "I'd love that." She tiptoed and placed a chaste kiss on the blonde's lips, which caused Quinn to smile a little sheepishly. Even though she had kissed Rachel more than once by now, she was still amazed when the diva took the initiative.

She leaned forward and hugged Rachel tightly. 'I love you,' was what she thought. "Let's go then," was what she said.

XVXVX

Since the bar Quinn had in mind wasn't far from the restaurant, they decided to walk. Especially since the weather was quite warm since the beginning of June.

For a while, both women didn't speak, each lost in their own thoughts. Absentmindedly, Rachel let her hand slip into Quinn's, who gave it a light squeeze. To Rachel, it felt as if it had always been that way, which was weird since the time they had spent apart had been so much longer.

They passed by a couple kissing at the corner of a street and Rachel wondered whether she and Quinn looked like they were in love to people around them.

But were they even in love? It looked like Quinn was, but she wasn't sure. What if she was in love with old Rachel and not her current self? Rachel wanted to ask Quinn about it, but she couldn't. Not yet. Quinn would inevitably ask a counter question which Rachel couldn't answer yet. She liked Quinn very much. But did she love her?

She glanced at their joined hands and then at Quinn's face as if the answer was written somewhere in her features.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Quinn said and Rachel blushed because she had been caught staring at the blonde.

"I just thought that this hairstyle looks very pretty on you," Rachel mumbled.

"Thanks," Quinn smiled, but the look in her eyes told Rachel that she knew that that wasn't what she had been thinking about.

Rachel didn't look at Quinn again and they spent the remainder of the way in silence. Their hands, however, remained intertwined until they reached their destination.

Quinn had led them to a bar whose entrance was hidden behind an Italian restaurant. Pink neon letters above the door said 'Labris' and a couple of women were standing in front of it, some of them smoking. According to Quinn, the place wasn't really special in any way – average drinks, average prices and average music – but she had told Rachel that she liked the place because it had several secluded corners where they could talk and rest and it even had a small dance floor. But there was one thing she hadn't mentioned.

"Is this a lesbian bar?" Rachel whispered as soon as they entered, because the first thing she saw was a pretty blonde woman near the entrance who checked out Quinn.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that," Quinn apologized. "I hope that's okay for you?"

"Yes of course, I just haven't been to one in a long time," Rachel assured her.

The last time she had been in a bar like this had been during her junior year in college, when her then-friend Jessica had convinced her she needed some experience to prove her bisexuality. Rachel had known that she didn't need any experience, because she was certain about her sexuality ever since she, well, met Quinn, whose attractiveness she had never been able to deny. And now here she was with exactly that blonde, who was being checked out by a bunch of women as she followed her into the bar.

They settled in a corner from where they had a good view on the small dance floor and, after she had instructed Rachel to stay where she was, Quinn went to order them something to drink.

Rachel looked after the blonde as she made her way to the counter. She didn't miss the looks some of the women were giving her and especially the bartender seemed more than happy to see the blonde. Rachel huffed in annoyance when she saw her leaning over way closer than necessary to take Quinn's order.

'You're jealous," a voice inside her said.

"Oh shut up," Rachel mumbled

XVXVX

"Do you know the bartender?" Rachel asked when Quinn returned with two gin tonics in her hands.

"Oh you mean Danielle?" Quinn said while sitting down next to Rachel. "Yeah I met her here a long time ago. We, uhm, we dated for a while actually, but it didn't last longer than a few weeks." Quinn glanced at Rachel wondering how the brunette would process the information.

"You did?" Rachel asked. She looked over at the barkeeper and tried to imagine her with Quinn, but as soon as the image entered her mind, she pushed it away. She didn't really want to know.

Quinn noticed the conflicting emotions on Rachel's face and leaned over to the smaller woman. "You're not jealous, are you?" she teased.

"No, of course not!" Rachel replied way more resolutely than necessary. "I just wish she wouldn't stare at you like you were her prey," she grumbled.

"Why? Is it bothering you?" Quinn grinned. Rachel being jealous was not only utterly adorable, but also showed her that she must harbor at least some feelings for her.

"Of course it is" Rachel said and glared at Danielle, who didn't even notice it, because she was serving another customer.

"Why?" Quinn asked raising an eyebrow. She thoroughly enjoyed this conversation and didn't want to let go of the topic easily.

Rachel turned towards Quinn and looked at her. Since Quinn was still leaning forward, their faces were mere inches apart and Rachel's gaze dropped on Quinn's lips for a moment before she managed to bring it back up to her eyes.

"Because you're mine now," she mumbled barely audible over the music.

Quinn's teasing smile changed into an expression of complete surprise. If only high school Quinn had known that she'd hear those words one day. Maybe she would've been a little less heartbroken the day she got rejected.

Before Quinn could reply she felt Rachel's soft lips on hers and all thoughts left her mind. She shifted closer to the diva and cupped her cheeks. Rachel wrapped her arms around Quinn's back and sighed into the kiss.

Quinn didn't care whether she kissed her because she wanted to show Danielle who Quinn really belonged to, or because she just felt like kissing her. It didn't change anything about the blissful feeling spreading in her insides she got whenever they kissed. If there was a heaven that must be it.

Rachel let out another sigh when Quinn sucked her lower lip into her mouth and bit down softly. When she let go, Rachel used the fraction of a second when Quinn's lips were parted to slide her tongue into her wonderfully warm mouth. The taste of gin tonic mixed with the mango flavor of their dessert and a slight note of tobacco intoxicated Rachel more than the alcohol ever could.

While Quinn unsuccessfully tried to gain dominance over Rachel's tongue, she let her hand wander up and run it along Rachel's exposed thigh. She secretly thanked God that the brunette had decided to wear hot pants, because it made the action all the more enjoyable.

When Rachel let out a quiet moan, Quinn finally gained control and seized her chance to explore the diva's mouth. She loved the feeling of being this close to Rachel. Feeling her lips and tongue always made Quinn realize that she indeed was with Rachel and that all of this was real and not just a product of her imagination. After all, Quinn wouldn't have been surprised if all those years of one-sided crushing on Rachel Berry wouldn't have caused some mental dysfunctions. But Rachel letting out a hot breath into her mouth was real and Quinn found it increasingly difficult to control the pulsating sensation in her lower abdomen.

Therefore, the blonde switched to placing chaste kisses on Rachel's lips and cheeks before she eventually pulled back and looked at the woman in front of her.

Rachel gave Quinn a blissful smile and Quinn could've sworn that her eyes had somewhat darkened. She felt relieved to know that apparently, she wasn't the only one with X-rated thoughts flashing through her mind.

"You look so beautiful right now," Quinn said and smiled.

Rachel ducked her head and giggled and for a moment she looked like high-school Rachel who had been told that her singing was better than Barbra Streisand's.

The two women reached for their drinks and took a few small sips. Rachel glanced at Danielle, who appeared to be in a bad mood. Quinn could almost hear her thinking 'Ha, take that, bitch!', but maybe she was just imagining the triumphant look in her eyes.

"Thank you, by the way," Quinn spoke up.

Rachel turned her head and looked at her. "For what?"

Quinn placed her hand on Rachel's, which was resting between their thighs. "For being mine," Quinn replied shyly.

Rachel turned her hand around and laced her fingers with Quinn's. How was it possible that their hands matched so perfectly as if they had been made for each other?

"Of course I am yours," Rachel said. She looked up at Quinn again and gave her a reassuring smile. "I'm your girlfriend now, if I understood correctly."

Quinn nodded enthusiastically and placed her now empty drink on the table. "Do you want another one?" Rachel asked.

Quinn shook her head. "I'll wait until you finish yours."

"Okay." Rachel picked up her drink and took a sip. "Actually, I cannot say that I like this, it's really bitter," she said. "But at least this one doesn't give me headaches."

"I see," Quinn said while her thoughts had drifted entirely elsewhere. "Can I ask you something?" she asked after some silence while she used the plastic straw to stir the remaining ice cubes in her glass.

Rachel didn't answer but gave her a slight smile, which Quinn interpreted as a permission to continue.

"Do you remember when I asked you whether you loved Finn? Back then on our graduation day?"

Rachel nodded, her hands clenched around her glass as if she had to hold on to something.

"Did you really love him?" Quinn asked, dying to finally get the answer from Rachel she had wanted to hear so badly back then.

Rachel bit down on the straw before she raised her eyes to look at Quinn. "No," she said quietly.

"So why were you still with him?" Quinn asked. 'When you could've been with me instead,' she added in her thoughts.

Rachel let go of her drink and put it on the table in order to reach out for Quinn's hand.

"I guess being with him made me feel kind of safe," she replied. "He was easy to read, likable enough and even though I fell out of love with him at one point, I liked the image of him at my side me when I go to receive my first Grammy and him being there for me when paparazzi are waiting for us in front of a restaurant. I know it sounds selfish, but back then, this was what I thought my future had to look like. Get a perfect role to kickstart my career, rise to fame, having a perfect husband and kids. Everybody knows that's what the media loves. I already pictured what I'd show them when they'd ever come visit for a home story." She chuckled slightly but without any humor.

Quinn nodded. From an adult perspective, it seemed pretty stupid to stay with someone for profane reasons like that, but for a teenage mind, it was pretty plausible. And she was sure there were enough adults even who stayed with someone out of reasons far from love. She couldn't accuse Rachel of anything, because essentially, she had not done anything wrong.

"So why did you break up then?" Quinn asked.

Rachel bit her lips while she pondered over the question. "Well, I eventually realized that we were never going to work out. Our plans for the future couldn't have been more different. And my feelings weren't strong enough anymore to really invest my emotional strength in the relationship, so I decided to end it. It was pretty soon after I had moved to New York."

Quinn squeezed Rachel's hand. "Thanks for telling me," she said. There was so much more she wanted to ask, but she decided to give the brunette a little break, since she didn't want to scare her off again by asking too many questions about the past. The music had gotten louder anyways and the bar was slowly transforming into a club. A couple of women were on the dancefloor already, some in pairs, some alone, waiting to be approached.

"I'll get us another drink," Quinn said over the music.

"No, let me do it," Rachel said and grabbed the empty glasses before Quinn could protest. She had already made half the way over to the bar when she noticed she hadn't asked Quinn what she wanted to drink.

"I'll have whatever you're having," Quinn chuckled when Rachel had returned to the table. When she took off again she was still grinning because she knew exactly that Rachel was jealous of Danielle and wanted to keep her away from her.

While Rachel waited for their drinks, she once in a while shot the barkeeper an angry stare which soon turned into a contest of evil glaring between the two. "Here you go," Danielle said through gritted teeth when she handed Rachel the two long island ice teas.

"Thank you so much," Rachel replied and smiled one of her famous big fake smiles.

She walked back to where Quinn was waiting for her and the two sipped on their drinks while they observed the increasing number of people enjoying themselves on the dance floor.

"Want to dance?" Quinn asked suddenly.

Rachel hesitated for a moment because there seemed to be more people on the dance floor than would've been appropriate, but when she noticed Quinn's expectant expression she couldn't help but nod.

Quinn smiled and leaned over to kiss Rachel's cheek. Then she got up from the seat and reached for the diva's hand to get her to go with her.

Rachel took a last sip from her drink which was still quite full and placed it next to Quinn's empty glass.

Quinn led Rachel through the crowd and it took them a few minutes until they found a space where they could actually stand upright without people bumping into them every few seconds.

Rachel looked around and seemed a little intimidated by all those unfamiliar people around them, but when Quinn pulled her closer, she started to relax.

"Is this okay for you?" Quinn asked.

Rachel nodded and smiled before she slung her arms around Quinn's waist. The DJ was playing an upbeat electro tune, but neither Rachel nor Quinn cared about whether their dance moves matched the music. They just held each other close swaying to their own rhythm.

Quinn had her arms around Rachel's neck and every time someone bumped into her from behind she used it as an excuse to get a little closer to the brunette.

The whole situation seemed so surreal to her. Here she was in one of her favorite bars slash club, dancing with Rachel. Her girlfriend Rachel. In the past she had only come here with Lola, got drunk and flirted with a bunch of women in order to chase the thought of the diva out of her head. If only she had known back then that she would actually come here with Rachel one day. But even if she had known, she most likely wouldn't have believed it.

"What are you thinking about?", Rachel asked. Even though they were so close to each other, she had to raise her voice because the music had got quite loud now.

"Just you," Quinn replied and smiled. She was well aware that her smile must look stupid - long island ice tea always got her wasted pretty fast - but she didn't care because she just felt happy in this moment and wanted to enjoy it while it lasted.

"But I am right here!" Rachel chuckled.

"I know," Quinn smiled before she lowered her head and placed a soft kiss on Rachel's lips.

XVXVX

"I'm not drunk!" Quinn protested when Rachel pulled her out of the uber that had just stopped in front of Quinn's apartment building. Rachel rolled her eyes as she kept pulling Quinn's arm. The blonde had told her that at least fifty times by know, but after Rachel had witnessed her missing her chair when she wanted to sit down and instead landed on the floor of the bar with - admittedly - a very cute expression of utter confusion on her face - Rachel had figured it'd be better to leave.

Rachel felt quite intoxicated as well but Quinn's condition was probably worse. Responsible as she always was, she didn't want to send Quinn home by herself, so she had the uber going to Quinn's address first.

"Just a moment," she told the driver before she pulled Quinn towards the entrance.

"Can you go upstairs by yourself?" she asked and stroked a loose streak of blonde hair behind Quinn's ear.

"Are you going somewhere?" Quinn asked confusedly. "Are you running away again?" Her eyes widened and she suddenly looked close to tears. "Are you leaving me?"

"No!" Rachel cupped the blonde's cheeks, surprised about her sudden mood swing. "I will just go back to my place," she tried to explain.

"No, don't go! Please stay with me," Quinn pleaded and her lower lip started to quiver. "Please," she added and looked at Rachel with a desperate expression.

Rachel hesitated a moment. Even though their level of intimacy was slowly progressing they still had not slept at each other's place yet. Also, they had not talked about the things that might happen if they were to share the same room. Or the same bed…

"I…" Rachel uttered, not sure whether Quinn just wanted to have her around or actually do stuff with her. Considering the type of kisses they had just shared on the dance floor, there was a pretty high chance Quinn was feeling the same tension as her.

"Are you coming or what?!" the angry voice of the uber driver let Rachel flinch.

She glanced once more at Quinn, who still looked like she could burst into tears any second, before she turned around and yelled: "You can take off. I changed my mind!"

The driver let out a stream of words she luckily couldn't understand, and took off with roaring motors.

Rachel turned back towards Quinn and gave her a smile. "I'm staying."

"Really?" Quinn's sudden change in expression from total despair to utter contentedness must have been the cutest thing Rachel had ever seen.

"Really." Rachel tiptoed and pressed a kiss on Quinn's cheek. After she had successfully managed to push Quinn towards the building, they finally reached Quinn's apartment.

"What about you roommate?" Rachel whispered while Quinn unlocked the door.

"Don't worry about Lola. She's used to me being noisy at night," Quinn chuckled.

Rachel blushed when she thought about the double meaning behind what Quinn had just said, but she probably wasn't talking about that. She must be talking about her music, right?

Lola appeared to be sleeping in her room, because the apartment was dark and quiet when they entered.

"You can use the bathroom first," Quinn offered. "I'll get you something to wear."

Rachel nodded in relief when she realized that Quinn didn't expect her to be naked. Not that she didn't want to get intimate with Quinn at some point - they were girlfriends after all, weren't they? - but she didn't feel quite ready for it yet. Not until she had figured out Quinn and her feelings.

After Rachel washed and changed into a set of Quinn's short pajamas, which unfortunately didn't smell like the blonde since they were freshly washed, she slipped into Quinn's queen-sized bed and waited for the blonde to come out of the bathroom.

When Quinn joined her under the covers she still smelled a little like gin and vodka. Rachel hoped she wouldn't suffer from too much of a hangover the next morning.

"Quinn, are you okay?" Rachel whispered when the blonde had settled next to her.

"No," Quinn whined.

"What's wrong?" Rachel asked.

Instead of answering, Quinn shifted on the bed until she lay flush against Rachel, her head on the brunette's shoulder.

Rachel slung her arm around her and carefully stroked her head.

"Now I am okay. Actually, I am great," Quinn mumbled already half asleep. "And I'm not drunk, just so you know."

Rachel smiled and tightened her embrace. She was sharing a bed with Quinn for the first time but it felt like she had done it all her life. She pressed another kiss on her forehead. A few diffuse rays of light falling through the window illuminated the room enough for Rachel to catch a general idea of Quinn's features. Her eyes were closed and her lips slightly parted. Judging from her breathing, she was already asleep.

Rachel reached out with her other hand and traced Quinn's nose, her cheekbones and her chin.

She wondered what would happen to them when the three months ended. Rachel wanted to be with Quinn, she was sure of it, but there were still so many things unspoken, so many secrets to be revealed. She sighed and was about to remove her hand from Quinn's face when the blonde stirred.

"Rachel," she mumbled with her eyes still closed. Then she mumbled some more, but Rachel had no idea what she was saying. Then she stirred once more before her breathing evened out again.

While she watched her sleep, her thoughts wandered back to their night out and the question Quinn had asked her. Why had she broken up with Finn? Rachel felt guilty when she had to admit that what she had told Quinn was only part of the truth. There had been another reason she had not been able to bear being with Finn any longer. That reason was lying right next to her right now.

Ever since Quinn had admitted her feelings to Rachel, she hadn't been able to stop thinking about the what ifs. What if she had told Quinn she also had some kind of feelings for her? What if she were Quinn's girlfriend now instead of Finn's? What if she had wasted her one and only chance to find out whether she and Quinn could work out? What if she had let go of the possible love of her life?

While Quinn had been on her mind constantly, she had started forgetting about Finn more and more. After she had noticed she hadn't texted or called him in over three days during her first year at college, she knew that she had to end things with him.

Rachel looked at Quinn while her heart started beating faster. She pulled the blonde closer against her as a tear escaped the corner of her eye.

"I'm so sorry," Rachel whispered into the dark. She could only imagine the heartbreak and hurt she had inflicted on Quinn. As she listened to Quinn's quiet breathing, she stared at the dark ceiling unable to fall asleep right away.

"I think I'm in love with you Quinn," she whispered into the dark room before she finally closed her eyes and sleep overcame her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all those people who keep reviewing and leaving Kudos! Also thanks to my beta reader who helps me a lot.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all who keep commenting on this story. It is always great to read your thoughts and opinions.

Chapter 12

"Excuse me? Could you please pass me the juice?" Rachel asked.

"Sure, here you go," Lola replied and smiled. 'I hope you'll choke on it and die,' she thought while her smile grew wider.

This was her and Quinn's apartment. How dare this woman sit at their kitchen table and have breakfast with them? This was her and Quinn's thing! And how dare she to ask her for juice!

Lola clenched her teeth as she stared down into her cup of coffee so she wouldn't have to see the look in Quinn's eyes when she looked at that Rachel girl. She knew she was being stupid, but was it her fault that love made people behave unreasonably and silly? Most certainly not. Therefore, she continued to indulge in her misery without the feeling of any guilt.

"Holy shit. My head is still killing me," Quinn groaned. "Did I really drink that much?"

"You don't remember?" Rachel asked while she poured the orange juice into her cup.

Quinn shook her head. "My memory ends with us leaving the bar actually."

"Another blackout, huh?" Lola chimed into their conversation. She turned to Rachel and tried to smile nonchalantly. "She had that a lot, you know. Sometimes she doesn't even remember the girls she made out with that night."

"Really?" Rachel looked at Quinn, who gave Lola an angry glare.

"Don't listen to her Rachel," she said while she rubbed her head.

"What? I'm just telling her the facts," Lola protested. "I thought your girlfriend knows how famous you are around here."

"Famous for what?" Rachel asked and looked back and forth between the two roommates.

"Well, there's hardly a woman around here she hasn't kissed," Lola replied with a wink. She enjoyed seeing the insecurity appearing on Rachel's face and the triumphant feeling it caused in her. 'That's right, girl. Your girlfriend here isn't as innocent as she seems,' she thought and would've added an evil grin if she had been all by herself.

"Lola. Stop it!" Quinn snapped. "You're exaggerating!"

Rachel placed a hand on Quinn's upper arm in order to calm her down. "It's okay, you don't have to explain yourself. I don't see anything wrong with it. What's past is past and it is not my place to judge you for it." She smiled at the blonde, who looked at her in relief.

"But at least now I understand why so many women said hello to you yesterday," she added nonchalantly.

Lola watched their exchange and couldn't fight back her annoyance. Both of them were smiling at each other and it was so fucking sweet. She could have puked on the spot. Yet, she was positive that some of the insecurity hadn't left Rachel's expression. So maybe not everything was lost yet.

"I'm sorry. I thought you guys had already talked about that stuff," Lola smiled and ignored Quinn's angry glares. "So Rachel. I barely know anything about you since Quinn isn't much of a talker. Tell me, what do you do for a living?"

"I graduated from NYADA, but I am taking a break from singing and just started working at a cafe. Maybe you know it. It's the one situated on…" Rachel continued talking, but Lola had stopped listening after she heard her say NYADA. She had a friend who had graduated from there the same year Rachel must have graduated. She grinned as a plan started to form in her mind. Maybe she could dig up something from the annoying brunette's past. Something that would once and for all break Quinn's rose-colored glasses.

"That sounds very interesting," Lola said as she smiled at Rachel.

XVXVX

Rachel was in the midst of preparing a large vanilla latte for a middle-aged businessman, when she heard the familiar bell at the entrance indicating the arrival of a new customer.

"Welcome to Coffee Alley," she sing-songed like she had been instructed to do on her first day at work. "I'll be right there for you!"

She closed the take-out cup with a lid and turned around to give it to the waiting man. "Here you go," she said with a wide smile.

"Thanks." The man stepped aside and revealed the other waiting customer.

"Quinn!" Rachel exclaimed in surprise. Since there were no other customers waiting, she rounded the counter and pulled the blonde into a hug.

"That's it?" Quinn asked and raised an eyebrow.

"What do you mean?" Rachel replied.

Quinn pursed her lips and looked at her in expectation.

"You're an idiot," Rachel giggled and tiptoed to catch the blonde's lips between her own.  
"But a cute one," she whispered and gave her another kiss.

Quinn smiled happily before she pulled a purple rose from behind her back and held it out in front of her.

"Congratulations on your new job. I'm sorry I couldn't make it yesterday," she said with an apologetic look.

"It's okay. You had an important meeting after all. And I was stressed out of my mind yesterday anyways. This job is more difficult than it looks. If you ask me, this place has way too many options. I still can't remember how to make the mint mocha properly."

"Okay. Then I'll order something else," Quinn chuckled.

"No, you may order whatever you want. It's on me. And thank you for the rose, it's really pretty," Rachel said. She took the flower from Quinn and inhaled its scent. She smiled when she noticed the tobacco smell that had mixed with the smell of roses. Quinn seriously should consider reducing her smoking.

Rachel stepped back behind the cashier and using her customer-service voice she asked: "What would you like to order?"

"What would you recommend?" Quinn asked.

"Well our best sellers are vanilla latte and the java chip frappe. However, my personal favorite would be our matcha latte with an espresso shot."

Quinn nodded. "Okay, I'll have that one then."

"Do you want your drink hot or iced?"

"Iced please."

"Okay."

"You're really good at this job," Quinn acknowledged.

"You think so?" Rachel asked before she turned around to prepare Quinn's drink.

"Yes, I should come here more often."

"You definitely should," Rachel replied, the prospect of having Quinn around here more often already lifting her spirits. She liked the work here so far, but it could get boring when there weren't many customers.

"When do you finish?" Quinn wanted to know.

"In two hours."

"Would you like to have dinner with me afterwards? If you don't have any other plans already that is?" Quinn asked.

"What plans would I have?" Rachel replied while she added espresso to Quinn's drink.

"Okay, then I'll just sit there in the corner and do some work until you're finished," Quinn said.

"Here you go." Rachel handed Quinn the drink and smiled proudly.

Quinn leaned over the counter and gave Rachel a quick kiss.

"Thank you. That looks great." she said before she walked over to one of the seats next to the window while turning around several times, waving at Rachel.

After she had settled into one of the comfortable seats, Quinn opened her notebook and answered some emails concerning her latest project, which was going better than expected. She had expected the people involved to be somewhat arrogant and difficult to cooperate with - the higher in the scene you got the harder it was - but to her surprise most people, even the movie director, were quite pleasant to work with.

Quinn bit her lip in contemplation when she reached the last unopened mail.

'Subject: Personal meeting regarding possible future contract'

Sender: Richmount Pictures Los Angeles.

Quinn let the mouse hover over the heading for some time and frowned. She had received this email before and chosen to decline, but they seemed very interested in her. She let her gaze wander from the screen towards Rachel, who was in the midst of washing a couple of cups and glasses.

Rachel looked happier than Quinn had seen her in a while and the slight smile that formed on the brunette's face when she inspected the cup she had just cleaned for any leftover stains must've been the most adorable thing she had ever witnessed.

Quinn's frown changed into a small smile of her own and without further thinking she clicked delete and the email was sent to her trash folder.

When Rachel finished her shift, she folded her apron and ruffled through her hair in an intent to look presentable to Quinn. She grabbed two cookies which she of course had paid for earlier - she would never sink as far as stealing or embezzling cookies! - and made her way over to the stunning blonde typing into her lap top.

Quinn looked up when Rachel placed a chocolate chip cookie in front of her.

"How is it going?" Rachel asked and sat down across from the blonde.

"Great," Quinn replied after she closed her laptop. "The new project is really exciting and I think the movie might become a success."

"Can I listen to the music you composed for the movie?" Rachel asked.

"I'll let you hear it soon, I promise," Quinn replied as she reached for the cookie. "I'm still not one hundred percent satisfied with the result, but you can listen to it when it's completely finished."

Rachel nodded before she lowered her gaze on the table. She kneaded her hands and suddenly appeared nervous.

Quinn frowned and reached for Rachel's hands, which halted her anxious movements.

"What's wrong?" Quinn asked while she gave Rachel's hands a slight squeeze.

But Rachel just shook her head. She kept her head down and avoided Quinn's eyes, but the blonde could see that Rachel was blushing.

"Rachel, look at me," Quinn demanded. She reached out and caressed Rachel's chin before she lifted it up, so that the diva wouldn't have a chance to avoid eye contact.

"What is it?" she asked softly.

"It's just a stupid question," Rachel replied bashfully.

"There is no such thing as a stupid question," Quinn chuckled. "What do you want to ask?" She looked at her girlfriend in expectation, but Rachel was still hesitating.

"Rach, you can ask me anything, okay? You don't have to be embarrassed in front of me."

"It's just…" Rachel started and blushed some more.  
I don't know why I am even asking. It's not like it would matter, but...uhm…" Rachel stuttered.

"But?" Quinn raised an eyebrow.

"What Lola said the other day, I just wondered about it," Rachel finally uttered. She shot a guilty glance in Quinn's direction before she tried to avert her eyes once more.

"About what?" Quinn inquired even though she knew perfectly well what Rachel was getting at.

Rachel took a deep breath and finally looked Quinn directly into the eyes. "I just wondered whether she was telling the truth. I mean, I don't care about how many people you have been with, but I just want to get to know you better. I want to fill those seven years with information and this is a part of it, isn't it? I'm just curious about the experiences you had."

Quinn couldn't help but laugh at the brunette's awkwardness.

"Well," Quinn began while she ran her fingers through her hair. "Basically, she told the truth. I'm not an unknown person among the queer women in our neighborhood."

Rachel nodded. She tried to look serious and understanding, even though the thought of Quinn with other women annoyed her more than she'd ever admit. But she had to respect Quinn's past and the choices she had made. Also, someone as stunning as the blonde must be extremely popular among all genders and sexualities. It would be weird if she wouldn't have made her experiences. Rachel imagined that even gay guys could fall for Quinn Fabray. One raise of that eyebrow or a casual bit on her full bottom lip, would let anybody's knees go weak.

Quinn smiled and placed her hand on Rachel's again. "But Lola always exaggerates. I'd mostly get a little drunk and make out with people in a bar or club. I'm not the one-night stand type."

Rachel's expression lit up upon hearing this. She knew that she'd love Quinn the same, no matter whether she had been with one or one hundred people, but she felt relieved that she'd not be one among many, but special to Quinn.

"So what about relationships? How many were you in?" Rachel asked.

Quinn leaned back into the chair as she pondered over the question. She wasn't even sure whether she had been in any real relationship. Mostly she had engaged in casual dating, because her feelings had never been enough for more than that.

"Three, I guess," she eventually answered. "But none of them were actually serious. The longest lasted six months."

"With Danielle?" Rachel asked. The mere thought of that woman made her angry.

Quinn nodded.

"Why did you break up?" Rachel interrogated.

Quinn pursed her lips in thought before she replied: "She loved me more than I did. I felt bad for her, so I ended it."

Rachel nodded. She wanted to ask more questions, but Quinn interrupted her thoughts. "How about you? What happened to the person you were with during freshman year?" Quinn asked.

Rachel lowered her eyes. She couldn't tell Quinn the truth. Not now and maybe never. Especially not after she had broken her heart that day for the second time.

"He moved away, so we broke up," she lied, not being able to look Quinn in the eye. She hated lying to the blonde, but how could she possibly reveal the truth after all these years?

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," Quinn said, but Rachel could tell she wasn't.

Rachel watched Quinn thinking about something for a while, but then she felt her stomach grumble, so she got up from her chair and reached for her bag.

"So, what are you going to buy me for dinner?" she asked in hopes that a change in location would also change their topic of conversation.

"How about pasta?" Quinn smiled.

"Pasta sounds great," Rachel replied as she watched Quinn gathering her stuff.

"Pasta it is then," Quinn said, but Rachel was already heading towards the exit.

Quinn frowned while she looked after her girlfriend. When Rachel reached the door, she turned around. "Come on, I'm starving!" she called.

Quinn shot her a smile and grabbed her bag.

"Yeah, I'm starving, too," she mumbled to herself before she went to catch up with Rachel.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

December 2014

"I can't do this."

"No, you can! You did it last year and it was fantastic. Don't worry, you'll be great," Kurt assured Rachel, who was glancing around the backstage area nervously.

"But what if I mess it up?" Rachel still didn't seem convinced.

"Why would you mess it up?" Kurt asked. "You always do great."

Rachel looked at her best friend, a skeptical look on her face. She wanted to retort, but suddenly her name was called and she had no choice but to step through the curtain and face the examination committee.

Kurt's eyes followed the brunette and a worried expression took over his features. Everyone had been nervous about the final examination, but Rachel's nervousness seemed quite extreme to him and she didn't act like herself nowadays. Her continuous anxiety and restlessness had even him worry about her performance, even though he had always believed in Rachel's talent.

The committee, three women and two men, who were all instructors at their department, looked at the diva in expectation. Kurt could only see Rachel's profile as he was observing the scene from the side of the stage, but it was enough to recognize that her nervousness had even gotten worse.

"Hi. I'm Rachel B-berry and today I will be singing Don't Cry For Me Argentina from the musical Evita." She shot some nervous glances at the committee members. Some of them were nodding, others were scribbling something on their notepads.

Kurt held his breath when the music started playing from the speakers. He watched Rachel close her eyes and take a deep breath. She hit the first note perfectly.

Kurt exhaled in relief and placed his hand over his heart, listening intently.

Yet, what he was hearing wasn't Rachel Berry. Well, it was Rachel Berry's voice, but - while technically almost flawless - her performance sounded void of emotion, almost robot-like.

Kurt frowned and turned his head towards the instructors. 'Oh-oh, this is no good,' he thought as he studied their faces. They didn't look too pleased. Some of them were even slightly shaking their head as if they had never witnessed a performance worse than this.

When the song ended, Rachel lowered her head as she waited for comments on her performance.

Some students from their semester had gathered behind Kurt and Kurt could hear them whisper about Rachel's performance.

"Quiet!" he snapped as he was afraid he'd miss the committee's remarks.

Rachel's main vocal performance instructor was the first to address her. She put down the notepad and cleared her throat.

"Well Rachel. As for technique, your performance was among the best we heard today. But I am sorry to tell you that I didn't like it all."

Kurt saw Rachel clench her fists, which he knew she did when she was either angry or just about to cry. He hoped she wouldn't burst into tears in front of everybody. Nobody here except him would show any sympathy for her. The musical world was a tough business.

"Where was your emotional expression?" the instructor asked. "I felt like I listened to a robot to be honest."

The other committee members agreed, each of them voicing similar evaluations.

The last person to speak was the Dean, a retired Broadway actor in his late sixties. He could be quite scary sometimes and Kurt hoped he wouldn't go too harsh on Rachel.

"You're lucky I'll let you pass today," was all he said without even a trace of a smile in his features.

"T-thank you," Rachel replied quietly. "I am very sorry I haven't been able to show you a better performance."

"You can leave now," the voice instructor said and made a waving gesture towards the stage exit, which Kurt found to be very disrespectful.

Rachel turned around. Her shoulders were down and so was her head while she walked towards Kurt. Their classmates had started whispering again, but this time Kurt didn't shut them up.

"She didn't deserve to pass," someone said when Rachel had reached them.

"I know right? She was just lucky the Dean was in a good mood today," someone agreed.

Rachel didn't even look at Kurt. Her eyes were on the floor and she didn't stop but passed by the group of students as if they weren't there.

Kurt shot the whispering students an angry glare before he went after Rachel, but he had no idea what he could possibly say to make her feel better.

XVXVX

July 2019

"Rachel?"

Rachel bit down on her lower lip to stop the tears rising in her eyes when she heard Kurt say her name at the other end.

"Hello?"

Rachel gulped. She had to hold her phone with two hands to get a steady grip on it.

"Kurt?" she croaked.

Kurt didn't reply but she could hear him breathing on the other end.

"I'm calling to ask you for forgiveness," Rachel said quietly. Tears were now running over her cheeks, but she felt too nervous to even register it. "I know I behaved horrible. I'm so sorry."

"Why are you calling me suddenly? I waited for your apology for more than four months," Kurt said, his voice full of accusation.

Rachel's heart sunk. Of course he wouldn't forgive her easily. Her eyes wandered to the framed picture of her and Kurt that she had placed on the nightstand when she had come to live here two years ago. Their smiling faces were like daggers into her heart. She really had to try to make things right again.

"I was scared," she admitted ruefully.

"Of what?"

"That you'd never forgive me. That I'd lost the only true friend I ever had."

Kurt didn't say anything and the line was silent for some time while Rachel's heart pounded rapidly in her chest.

"Kurt, I am very sorry for what I said. I know you are very talented and that this talent brought you to where you are right now. That's why I was jealous of you and frustrated with myself. I shouldn't have made you the target of my own frustrations."

"So why did you do it then?" Kurt asked dryly.

"Because I wasn't ready to face my fears. And I'm still not ready. So I chose the easy way out. To distract me from myself by attacking you." Rachel sniffed trying not to burst into sobs. "I'm so, so sorry Kurt. I truly am. Please, couldn't you at least consider to forgive me?"

She heard Kurt sigh on the other end. She didn't hear any background noise, so he must be at home. Rachel imagined him sitting on his couch, a pizza on the table and his iPad nearby. That's how he liked to spend his Saturday nights when he didn't go out on dates.

"Listen Rachel. While I appreciate your apology, don't you think it's kind of too late?"

Rachel didn't answer as she didn't know what she could hold against that.

Kurt waited a while before he continued. "If I were to forgive you, it would be your last shot. And this time I mean it. I really wanted to support you, but you trampled all over me. I have feelings too, you know?"

"I know. I am so sorry," Rachel whispered as more tears left the corner of her eye. "Will you forgive me one last time?"

Kurt sighed once more and Rachel was sure he was ruffling through his hair only to regret it a second later.

"I'm not sure what to do to be honest," he eventually said.

Rachel knew there was only one way to get him to be her friend again. She had to make use of his weakness. She knew he would kill her if he found out she sometimes used it against him, but what else should she do?

"I have something I need to tell you," she said. "Something private, which I haven't told anyone yet."

"What is it?" Kurt asked and Rachel smiled when she detected the curiosity in his tone. A good piece of gossip would always work wonders on him.

"I'm in a relationship." Her tears stopped as an involuntary grin spread on her face when she heard Kurt gasp at the other end.

"Wait? When did this happen? With whom? Do I know this person?" he asked excitedly.

"I'd prefer to tell you in person. And yes, you know them."

"Oh. My. Gosh!" Kurt exclaimed. "Tell me everything! Are you busy now?"

"No," Rachel replied.

"Then get your ass over here Berry." With that he hung up and left Rachel staring at her phone with a smile and dried tears on her face.

XVXVX

It was already past ten p.m. when Rachel arrived at Kurt's apartment. Darkness had fallen over the street where he lived, but he had moved to a safer neighborhood, so Rachel wasn't scared. At least not of thieves and murderers.

She hesitated for a moment, then she pressed the bell which was located next to a small sticker saying 'K. Hummel' and waited for the door to open.

It took only a couple of seconds until the door buzzed and she could ascend the stairs to get to Kurt's apartment, which was located on the second floor. Since he had landed a few well-paid roles already, he had been able to move into an apartment, which was way more well-maintained than his last one.

When Rachel arrived at the top of the stairs, Kurt was already lurking through the half-opened door. Rachel smiled awkwardly, not sure how she should act towards him.

"Hey," she said as she came to a halt in the hallway.

"Hi," Kurt replied, appearing as insecure about this encounter as herself.

Rachel cleared her throat before she looked up to him. "Would it be alright if I hugged you?"

Kurt smiled and nodded, but he didn't make any attempt to bridge the distance between them.

"Well, I'm going to hug you now," Rachel announced.

"And there is Rachel Berry," Kurt winked before he pulled her into his arms. Rachel slung her arms around his back and held on to him tightly, finally fully realizing how unfairly she had treated him. Her sight started to get blurry and it cost her a lot to fight back the tears.

"I'm so sorry," she said quietly, still not letting go of him.

Kurt exhaled and tightened the embrace. "I know."

"I missed you so much," Rachel whispered as she felt his heartbeat against her chest.

"I wish you would've realized that a little earlier," Kurt said before he pulled back and looked at her.

Rachel wiped a tear from her eye. "I know. I'm so sorry Kurt. I'm a horrible friend. I don't know how I can make it up to you. But if there is anything I can do for you to forgive me, I'll do it." She sniffed and took a deep breath to fight back the sob that was rising in her throat. "I just want us to be friends again."

Kurt looked at her for a few long moments, but then he started grinning. "Actually, there is something you could do for me." He raised his eyebrows as she gave Rachel an expectant look.

"What is it?" Rachel asked.

"Get on with the gossip already!" Kurt replied while he rubbed his hands together as if he was about to open a pile of Christmas presents.

Rachel stared at him blankly for a moment until she started to smile, which turned into a relieved laugh. She slapped Kurt's arm in a playful way and he started laughing as well.

Five minutes later, she found herself on Kurt's cream-colored leather couch, a glass of diet coke and a bag of chips on the table next to her. "Don't spill on the couch, I just got it cleaned," Kurt said as he walked in, placing a candle on the table. "For the atmosphere," he said while he lit it.

"What happened to your interior design?" Rachel asked. She was sure that last time she had been to his apartment, everything had looked different.

"You mean the antique Chinese palace inspired interior?" Kurt asked while he settled himself in the armchair of the same color as the couch.

"You had Chinese inspired interior?" Rachel asked in confusion.

"Oh, you never got to see that one. Then you must mean the French baroque inspired one!" He made waving gesture and wrinkled his nose as if he was disgusted by the thought of it. "That was so last season. Nowadays I'm into minimalism, so no decorations and especially no fake classical paintings."

"I see," Rachel said and let her eyes wander around the room, which due to the reduction in decorations and furniture appeared much wider than last time. She remembered when she had sat down with Kurt at this exact spot about half a year ago, gossiping about celebrities and drinking cheap prosecco. She wondered whether she could ever fully restore her friendship with him and how long it might take.

"So?" Kurt disrupted her thoughts as he leaned forward and poured some coke into his glass. "Time to spill the tea, Rachel. Who is the lucky one?"

"Uhm…" Rachel said digging her hands into the rim of her navy mini dress. She suddenly felt very nervous telling Kurt about her relationship, because she couldn't even imagine how he might react to the news that she was with Quinn because of a promise they had made seven years ago.

"You said I know them," Kurt said, tapping his fingers on the armrest. "Is it someone from NYADA? Or-" his eyes began to shine "is it someone famous?"

Rachel shook her head. Despite her nervousness she couldn't suppress a grin caused by Kurt's enthusiasm.

"Actually," she began and took a quick sip from her coke, "it's someone from Glee club."

"What? From Glee club?!" Kurt exclaimed and held his hand over his mouth, clearly intrigued by the revelation. "Who is it?"

"It's…it's Quinn," Rachel finally said.

There was silence for a moment as Kurt seemed to process the news. Rachel shot him a nervous glance before she took another sip from her glass.

"Quinn?! Quinn Fabray?! THE Quinn Fabray?!" Kurt suddenly blurted out, causing Rachel to almost spit the liquid back into the glass.

"Yeah," Rachel coughed because some of the coke had found its way into her windpipe.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Kurt went on. Rachel looked at him again, but instead of disapproval, his face was full of excitement as if he had just been told he was the winner of the next Tony Award.

"Tell. Me. More," he added and clapped his hands, before he leaned forward, ready to absorb every piece of information Rachel was about to reveal.

It felt good to finally have somebody who would listen to the whole story. She started at graduation day, talked about her encounters with Quinn and didn't spare out a single detail from the wedding. She told him everything that had happened since they were back in New York and even described how Quinn's lips felt on her own. Kurt asked many questions, as usual wanting to know all the details of the story, but the most important thing to Rachel was that he didn't judge her. Of course he had been surprised to hear about the promise and the fact that they were actually keeping it, but instead of calling it crazy or making fun of her, he found it adorable and romantic.

"I can't believe you two haven't done it yet, tough," Kurt said after Rachel had ended her story.

The brunette felt heat creeping into her cheeks as images of a very clothe less Quinn started to fill her mind.

"You're totally thinking about it now," Kurt teased her while he munched on a handful of chips. He must've forgotten about the no-spilling-on-the-couch policy, since crumbs scattered all over his lap and the leather around him.

"Don't you want to sleep with her?" he asked.

Rachel kneaded the coffee-brown pillow she had grabbed earlier in her lab. "I think I want to," she admitted.

"So why don't you just do it then?"

"I'm not sure if she wants to," Rachel replied and tugged on the pillow's edges.

"Why wouldn't she?" Kurt asked. "Rachel, that girl waited seven years for you! I can only imagine how desperate she must be." He giggled, but was soon stopped by pillow crashing into his head.

"Hey! That's a designer piece!" he complained.

Rachel sighed, ignoring his indignation. She thought about herself and Quinn and even though the thought filled her heart with warmth and affection, at the same time, she could no longer ignore the traces of doubt that had rooted somewhere deep inside her.

"She waited for me all those years, but that doesn't mean she still feels the same," Rachel said. She looked at Kurt, who was now holding the pillow, and met his eyes. His features softened and he waited for Rachel to continue.

"It was me who asked her to keep the promise. Maybe she had no intention of ever bringing it up again."

"But it was her who kissed you first after all," Kurt reasoned and gave her a sympathetic look.

"Yeah, she kissed me first, but I don't know what it meant to her. I- I just don't know-"

"Whether she's still in love with you?" Kurt raised his eyebrows.

Rachel nodded.

"Are you in love with her?" Kurt asked and handed Rachel the almost empty bag of chips. Rachel took it, but didn't made any move to eat.

"I think I am."

"Did you tell her that?"

Rachel shook her head. "No."

"You women sure are complicated," Kurt sighed. "Maybe she feels the same. Maybe she doesn't know whether you love her, so she doesn't dare to make a move." He reached out and took Rachel's hand in his. "Tell her how you feel. It's the best way to find out about her side of the story." He gave her hand a squeeze before a grin spread on his face. "And then have hot sex for the rest of the day."

"You pervert!" Rachel slapped his arm, but she couldn't help but grin.

The two looked at each other and smiled. "Thank you for everything," Rachel said.

"Where would I be without my daily dose of Rachel Berry?" Kurt jokes. "I missed your craziness."

"Hey, I'm not crazy!" Rachel protested.

"Yes you are!"

"Maybe sometimes."

While finishing the bag of chips, the two talked about Kurt's play that was about to premiere and some upcoming auditions. Kurt encouraged Rachel to try out for at least one of them and this time she didn't get angry at him. All she felt was gratitude for having him and Quinn back in her life. Maybe things would finally start to get better.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

July 2019

Dark clouds were covering the edges of the horizon, announcing the arrival of the first thunderstorm to hit New York this summer.

"I hope we'll make it before the rain," Quinn said while she looked up in the sky, her forehead wrinkled in concern.

"Don't worry, we're almost there," Rachel replied while she clutched Quinn's hand in hers. People were hurrying in all directions trying to get to their homes in time. Rachel tried her best not to bump into someone, but she couldn't avoid it from time to time.

"Maybe you should leave for your apartment now. It's very sweet of you to walk me home, but I don't want you to be hit by the rain later," Rachel tried to convince Quinn for the fifth time since they had left the cafe ten minutes ago.

Quinn shook her head while she simultaneously scowled at an older man who had bumped into Rachel and walked away without apologizing.

"No. I barely saw you this week and I don't want to say goodbye yet."

Rachel smiled at Quinn's utterly adorable stubbornness.

"Well you were the one working like crazy," she teased.

"I know," Quinn sighed while rubbing her thumb over Rachel's hand. "I'm sorry, but I really had to finish this one song. It's strings and piano, you know? That usually takes longer than just piano songs."

"It's okay. I was only kidding," Rachel replied. "It's actually cute when you're enthusiastic about something."

Quinn quirked and raised an eyebrow as she glanced at the brunette.

"I'm not cute. I'm sexy!' she protested.

Rachel laughed and eyed her girlfriend shamelessly. "I guess you're both."

Quinn felt heat rise into her cheeks as her thoughts travelled to dangerous territory. Maybe it was time to finally get her guts together and put her imaginations into action.

"Oh no," Rachels suddenly worried voice pulled her out of her inappropriate thoughts. The brunette pointed at the sky. "Look."

Quinn tilted her head back and let out a groan. "Fuck, we really need to hurry!"

The two women increased their pace as they rounded a corner leading into a smaller street with less people. A faint sound of thunder indicated they were running out of time.

"We're almost there!" Rachel panted as she led the way along dozens and dozens of apartment entrances.

They were almost at the end of the street when Rachel's steps slowed down. The two girlfriends hurried under the small roof covering the entrance and held onto each other to catch their breaths.

"Well, at least I got my workout done for today," Quinn joked. "Maybe I can make it to the subway station if I run."

"I don't think that's a good-" Rachel paused when a couple of dark spots appeared on the pavement next to them. A few seconds later a thunder let both of them flinch and jump further inside the entrance. "-idea," Rachel added dumbfoundedly.

"So aren't you going to invite me inside?" Quinn asked after they had silently watched the rain pouring down for a while.

"What? Oh, y-yeah sure," Rachel stuttered. Internally she sighed because this was one of the moments she had desperately wanted to avoid. Not that she didn't want to have Quinn around, but having her inside the apartment wasn't something she was looking forward to.

She led the blonde inside and Quinn marveled at the luxury interior and the existence of an elevator. "I didn't expect you to live in such a fancy place," she stated after the elevator door closed behind them.

"Well it comes at a high cost," Rachel said dryly and pressed the button for fourth floor.

'Oh please, please let her be at the book club or at church,' Rachel prayed silently while she unlocked the door.

"Rachel?" a voice called from inside.

"Yes, it's me!" Rachel yelled back and could only barely stop herself from letting out a string of curses. Of course she had no luck today.

"Is that your landlady?" Quinn whispered behind her.

Rachel nodded. "I'm afraid so."

Quinn wanted to ask her what she meant by that, but in that moment Mrs. Green lurked through the door that separated the hallway from the living area.

"Did you bring a friend?"

"Yes, she couldn't make it back before the rain," Rachel explained.

"It's nice to meet you. I'm Quinn Fabray." Quinn stepped towards the older lady and extended her hand.

"Oh a girl with manners. How lovely," Mrs. Green smiled and scooted towards Quinn. "How do you know Rachel?"

"We were in high school together," Quinn replied.

"How about we all sit and have a cup of tea? Maybe you can tell me more about your and Rachel's high school days," she smiled.

"Quinn is really tired from work and can't say long anyways. I think it would be better if she just rested in my room," Rachel intervened, hoping that Quinn would agree, so they wouldn't have to converse with her longer than necessary. The weather was bad enough, she didn't feel like enduring Mrs. Greens negativity on top of that.

"No, it's fine," Quinn said, shattering Rachel's hopes. "I think a cup of tea would be amazing in this kind of weather." The blonde didn't seem to notice the desperate look in Rachel's eyes as she followed the old lady in the living room.

To Rachel's relief, the conversation went surprisingly well. Quinn explained about her work and they relieved a few memories from high school. Now they were talking about Quinn's family and her upbringing, which was a topic Mrs. Green loved to inquire about. Rachel was just starting to relax when Quinn made one of the biggest mistakes one could make in front of Mrs. Green.

"My mother and sister are still attending church, but I stopped going a couple of years ago," Quinn explained. "I'm not an atheist, but I cannot identify with the way the church treats certain kinds of people, so I chose to live according to my own interpretation of Christianity."

Mrs. Greens expression became increasingly grim with every word Quinn spoke.

"But that doesn't mean that she doesn't respect Christian values anymore," Rachel tried to safe the situation, well aware of Mrs. Green's most likely reaction, but it was already too late.

"What do you mean by that?" she asked sternly, Quinn, however, didn't seem to be aware of her disapproval yet.

"Well, why would I go to a place that discriminates women and queer people?" Quinn asked and laughed, but when she finally noticed the expression on Mrs. Green's face, the rest of her laughter remained stuck in her throat.

"How can you talk like that?" the elderly woman spat out between gritted teeth. "The bible clearly states what we shall do with these people. You should not support this kind of lifestyle! They are sinners and you are one of them! Turning your back on God like that!"

"Excuse me?" Quinn replied taken aback.

"People like you are the reason our values are eroding! There is only one true Christianity and that is written in the bible! Just wait until you go to hell! Along with all those disbelievers and faggots!" Mrs. Green shrieked as she pointed her index finger towards Quinn, who was now frantically looking back and forth between the old woman and Rachel.

Rachel's thoughts were on a roller coaster while she tried figuring out how to get Quinn out of this situation. She glanced at Quinn and it was apparent that the blonde was also starting to lose her temper. Rachel knew that the situation was about to escalate, so she jumped up from her chair and grabbed Quinn's hand.

"You better go now," she said to Quinn. "I'm sorry," she added in Mrs. Greens direction before she pulled Quinn into the hallway and through the front door.

"What the hell!?" Quinn blurted out as soon as the door closed behind them.

Rachel didn't reply and just headed towards the elevator. The doors opened right away.

"She totally overreacted! What's the matter with her?" Quinn kept complaining, but she didn't receive any affirmation from Rachel. The brunette felt Quinn's eyes on her, but she kept staring at the elevator doors, pressing her lips together.

After they had reached the first floor and the doors opened with a 'bing' sound, Rachel stormed into the dark hallway and only came to a halt when she realized that it was still pouring like crazy outside.

"Rachel?" Quinn said and grabbed her shoulder to make her turn around. "Why don't you say anything? And how can you live with a person like that anyways?"

"I told you about her," Rachel hissed, as anger started rising up inside her. "I told you how she is and I thought you'd believe me. But no, you had to accept her invitation and chitty-chat about the one topic I told you she hates. Didn't you get the hint when I said it would be better to rest?"

Quinn looked at the brunette in shock and confusion. "I didn't know it'd be that bad. And why are you so angry? It's not like I did it intentionally." Quinn crossed her arms over her chest defensively.

"Do you know how much she talks about Kurt and his so-called sins?" Rachel replied angrily. "I've been listening to that for years now! Years! And not only Kurt, she talks like this every day about anything and anyone. I cannot stand this negativity and haughtiness! Do you have any idea how it feels like to endure this every day, not being able to say anything against it?"

"I understand that it must be very unnerving for you, but what I don't understand is: Why are you not standing up for yourself?" Quinn said and shook her head. "You were never afraid to stand up for your fathers when people mocked them in high school! Hell Rachel, you are gay yourself! Why don't you just tell her what you really think and move somewhere else?" Quinn's voice got louder as she spoke, partly because the sound of rain absorbed much of her voice.

Rachel clenched her fists as tears shot into her eyes. "Because I can't, okay? I have no money and she is the only one who might help me getting on Broadway one day!"

"Rachel, you don't need this woman's help! You're talented enough to make it on your own," Quinn replied, trying to deescalate the situation. But she had hit the wrong note.

"No! No, I'm not!" Rachel yelled.

Quinn fell silent, her eyes not leaving her girlfriend for a second. They stared at each other for a couple of seconds, the dark hallway letting their faces appear pale and tired. The silence was suddenly disrupted when a loud bolt of thunder made both women flinch.

After the echo had faded, Rachel whispered: "I thought you'd trust me enough to believe me when I said to be careful around Mrs. Green."

"Well, maybe you should start trusting me first," Quinn scoffed. "Honestly, I'm tired of you evading all my questions and not answering me honestly. You're making it really hard for me to trust you."

Rachel stared at Quinn blankly until a tear run down her cheek and she had to wipe it away. Quinn's anger dissolved when she noticed Rachel crying and she wanted to apologize for her harshness, but Rachel spoke up first.

"Maybe this had been a bad idea," she whispered barely audible over the rain.

"What?"

"Keeping a silly promise when we've clearly changed so much. I guess we've been too foolish to believe this could actually work," Rachel said as she lowered her eyes to the ground.

"So you're breaking up with me?" Quinn asked incredulously. "Because I made the mistake to talk to your landlady? You're not serious, are you?" Quinn made a step forward, but Rachel stepped back at the same time.

The brunette shook her head. "Not because of that. Even though it made me really angry. And do you know why?"

She lifted her eyes again and looked into Quinn's. The blonde was clearly shocked and seemed to be almost paralyzed.

Rachel turned her head and watched the rain fall through the small window in the front door. She sighed before she looked at Quinn again, her clenched fists shaking.

"Because I don't want to hear her talking about you like she does about everyone else. Can you imagine how much it hurts to hear someone insult the person you love the most every single day!?"

There was silence for another moment as thunder struck again, but neither of them flinched.

"You- you love me?" Quinn finally uttered.

"Yes, I love you!" Rachel cried as more tears ran down her cheeks. This time, she didn't wipe them off.

"But it doesn't matter now," she added quietly. She took a step backwards and glanced towards the front door once more. "Apparently we cannot make this work."

"No, Rach-," Quinn tried holding her back, but it was too late. The diva had already turned around and sobs were making her body shake. She opened the door and ran out into the rain hoping the thunder would swallow up her sadness.

XVXVX

'She loves me' Quinn's lips formed without making a sound. The hallway was eerily silent except for the rushing of the rain and the occasional sound of thunder, which seemed farther away than before.

"Fuck!" Quinn's sudden curse cut through the silence and she smashed her fist into one of the post boxes next to her. Ignoring the throbbing in her hand, she finally realized what had just happened. Rachel loved her. The foolish dream she had never been able to give up on had become reality. And as soon as she had finally been able to reach what she had been looking for it disappeared right before her eyes. Because she had destroyed it. Because she had told Rachel she couldn't trust her.

"Fuck!" Quinn cried out once more, because she felt like the dumbest person on earth. She finally awoke from her stupor and stepped outside the front door. A gust of wind tugged on her hair and her white sleeveless blouse. She looked up at the sky and saw nothing but charcoal clouds appearing just as somber as her mood.

"Rachel!?" she shouted and looked left and right, but she couldn't see the brunette anywhere.

Quinn hesitated for a moment before she decided to go left without any particular reason. She could only hope that luck would be on her side. As soon as she was out on the street, she got completely drained, but she didn't have the nerves to care. Her thoughts were on Rachel only. All she could think about was that she had to find her and make this right again. They couldn't end here. Not like this.

Soon, Quinn's pace increased and her steps turned into jogging, then into running. Rain hit her in the face and blurred her sight. Or was it because of the tears? Quinn couldn't tell anymore.

Where could the brunette have gone? Quinn had already passed more than two blocks and there was no sign of the woman. Maybe she had taken the wrong direction? Suddenly her determination diminished and she started to slow down, her sides aching from the lack of oxygen.

"Rachel!" she shouted once more knowing that it was hopeless. Quinn came to a halt and rested her hands on her knees. She panted heavily and scolded herself for being so out of shape. She was about to give up and turn around when she saw a flash of pink lurking behind an old Toyota that was parked next to the sidewalk at the end of the street.

Quinn started sprinting once more. The pain was forgotten instantly. When she reached the car, she slowed her steps, suddenly nervous about what would await her. She halted behind the Toyota and lurked around it only to be met with the most heartbreaking sight she had ever encountered.

Rachel was sitting on the curb with her knees pulled to her chest. Her face was hidden between her arms but Quinn was sure she was crying. Her once bright pink summer dress was soaked in a mixture of dirt and rain, its edges floating in the pool of water around the drain next to her.

Quinn hesitated before she rounded the car and walked up to Rachel, who at first didn't notice her presence.

"Rach?" Quinn said, but it sounded more like a croak because she was still out of breath.

Rachel flinched and looked up at her in surprise.

"Quinn?" she said as if she had never expected to see her there.

Quinn's breath got stuck in her throat when she noticed the pain in Rachel's eyes. She wanted to step forward and pull her into a tight hug, but she wasn't sure whether Rachel would allow her to, so she stayed where she was while raindrops ran down her face, making it hard for her to not constantly blink.

"We can't stay out here. Let's go somewhere else and talk," Quinn said while she pushed back a strand of wet hair that was sticking to her forehead.

Rachel shook her head. "I don't want to go anywhere. Leave me alone."

"I'm not going anywhere without you," Quinn said. If Rachel wanted to play the stubbornness game, she would play along.

Rachel averted her eyes from the blonde and instead focused on the patterns the raindrops were leaving on the puddle around her feet. She seemed determined not to talk to Quinn, which - as Quinn noticed almost in relief - was a typical Rachel Berry behavior.

Quinn watched her sitting there for almost a minute until another bolt of thunder let her know it was time to say something. Slowly, she walked towards Rachel and sat down on the curb next to her. She rested her arms on her knees and turned her head towards the brunette, whose gaze was still fixed to the ground.

"I'm so sorry Rachel," Quinn said quietly. She averted her eyes from the smaller woman and looked over towards the line of apartments on the opposite side of the street. An older woman was hushing into one of the entrances before she turned around once more and squinted in their direction. She probably thought they were crazy No sane human being would choose to be out on the street in this kind of weather. But maybe they weren't sane, Quinn reasoned. Maybe they had to be a little crazy to make their lives work.

"I'm sorry I said I'm having a hard time trusting you. You must have your reasons for not talking about certain things and I should respect that," Quinn said. "I- I didn't mean for it to sound as harsh as it did."

She shot a careful glance at Rachel, but there was still no reaction. Quinn ruffled through her hair while she searched for the right words to continue.

"It's just that sometimes I feel like you don't trust me. And to be honest, that hurts. But maybe I misunderstood. Maybe I should have been more patient with you," Quinn said, not able to hide the sadness in her voice any longer. "I'm sorry, Rachel."

"We're not in high school anymore, Quinn," Rachel said suddenly. "We're not the same people we used to be. Maybe we forgot to take that into account when we decided to keep this promise."

There was silence for a moment, which was only disturbed by a passing car.

"You're right. We're not in high school anymore," Quinn eventually replied. "But we're still Rachel and Quinn. You are still the girl whose dream it is to sing and who cares more for others than they deserve. And I'm still the girl whose insecurities get the better of her every once in a while. It still makes me turn into a bitch sometimes."

Quinn looked at Rachel while her lips formed a sad smile. "I'm also still the girl who is madly in love with Rachel Berry," she added quietly.

Rachel pulled her knees closer to her chest. She still didn't look at her, but the Quinn could sense a shift in her attitude.

"I'm sorry I'm telling you this only now." Quinn directed her eyes towards her reflection looking back at her from the puddle of rain beneath her feet. "I never stopped loving you, Rachel, even though I wanted to. I tried to make myself forget you, but it was impossible," she explained, not sure whether to Rachel or herself. "No matter how hard I tried to meet other people or to focus on my studies, there hasn't passed even one day without me thinking about you."

"Sometimes I dreamt about the day I confessed to you. There were dreams where you rejected me and it hurt as much as back then. And then there were those kinds of dreams where you'd say you loved me back and I felt as if the whole world was mine. And when I woke up, I realized that nothing of it had been real. That hurt even more."

Quinn looked at Rachel and was surprised to find the brunette finally looking back at her. The expression in her eyes was unreadable, but Quinn decided to take it as a good sign. She hoped Rachel would be able to see how honest she was being right now.

"Please don't let us be over like this," Quinn pleaded, knowing that this might be the last chance to make things right again. Her voice became weaker as she felt a lump forming in her throat. "I promise I'll be more patient. I waited more than seven years for you. I can wait more. Just don't give up on us yet. Please."

Tears were running down her cheeks now, but they mixed with the rain as soon as they left her eyes.

"Don't cry," Rachel whispered. She turned her upper body towards Quinn and slowly reached out for her. The hesitant touch of her fingers on Quinn's cheek felt like a drop of water into the desert to the blonde. Much needed, but by far not enough.

"I was so afraid you might not love me back," Quinn admitted. She raised her hand and placed it on top of Rachel's, which was still caressing her cheek. "I thought if I told you that I've loved you for all this time you might think I'm crazy. I didn't want to scare you off."

"You're definitely crazy," Rachel replied, the slightest trace of a smile pulling on the edges of her mouth. "But that's one of the things I love about you."

There was silence for another moment as Quinn still wasn't sure what to make of Rachel's reaction. "Can we please not break up?" she eventually asked.

Rachel didn't answer but scooted closer towards Quinn until their hips touched. She rested her head on Quinn's shoulder and Quinn slung her arm around the smaller woman. She understood. Sometimes, words weren't necessary to express one's feelings.

"I'm sorry too," Rachel whispered after a moment. She curled her arm around Quinn's waist, pressing the wet fabric of Quinn's blouse against her skin.

"I trust you, Quinn. More than anyone, actually. You have always been the only person who really understood me. It's just that there are some things in my life I cannot talk about easily. But it's definitely not because of you. The problem is me."

"It's okay," Quinn replied as she pulled Rachel closer towards her. "I'll wait for you."

"Always?"

"Always."

Rachel lifted her head from Quinn's shoulder and looked into her eyes. "I love you."

"I love you too," Quinn answered before she captured her girlfriend's lips between her own. Carefully, she first kissed Rachel's upper lip, then briefly let their tongues brush against each other until she made her way to Rachel's bottom lip. She pulled on it gently which incited a small whimper from Rachel.

The two shared a smile just as a bold of thunder disrupted the moment.

"Okay, and now let's get the fuck away from here," Quinn said and pulled Rachel up with her.

XVXVX

The old woman walked towards the window of her living room, a mug with steaming coffee in her hand. She wondered whether the two strange young women were still out there. She pushed the curtains aside and peeked through the pane, but all she could see were the parked Toyota and an empty sidewalk.

She shook her head as she thought about those crazy young people nowadays. Maybe they were on drugs or something. Who would sit out on the street during a thunderstorm? Surely nobody who had at least maintained a minimum of sanity.

But when she turned her head to the left, she couldn't help but smile. There they were, a woman in a pink summer dress and one in a white shirt, holding hands while they were running towards the subway station. And if her eyesight had been just a little bit better, she would've seen the smiles on their faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please leave a review and tell me what you think! The next chapter will be up a little later than usual, but it'll be awesome instead (at least I hope so).


	15. Chapter 15

"I can't believe you tipped him twenty dollars," Rachel remarked as they entered Quinn's apartment. The place was quiet and empty. Lola was apparently out and Quinn didn't feel particularly sad about it since she hadn't missed the negative energy between her and Rachel.

"I felt sorry for him," Quinn defended herself as she kicked her flats on a pile of shoes in the hallway. "We might've ruined the car seats with our wet butts."

"I'm sorry you had to sit in the rain that long." Rachel lowered her head, the long strands of dark brown hair sticking to her face and neck.

Quinn walked up to her and placed her hands on her shoulders. "It's okay, Rach," she said. "After all, we had to sit there because of my stupidity." She placed a soft kiss on Rachel's wet hair. "First, let's get you dry, okay?"

"Okay," Rachel replied and nodded.

Quinn scurried towards the bathroom where she took two large blue towels from the cabinet. When she returned, she found Rachel spying through the creak in the door that separated the living room from her music room.

"See something you like?" Quinn smiled.

"I didn't know you had such a high quality piano," Rachel admitted as she kept on staring.

"You can open the door and have a proper look, you know?" Quinn chuckled. "I bought this with the money I made from my first job. Well, actually, I only paid half, while the other half was paid by my mom. It was kind of a graduation gift."

"I see," Rachel said and pushed the door open.

"Don't you want to get dried up first?" Quinn asked as she watched Rachel proceeding into the music room. She felt her hair sticking to her face and her clothes were starting to feel cold against her skin. She couldn't wait to get out of them and have a hot shower. Hopefully neither of them would end up sick.

Rachel, however, didn't react to her proposal. She came to a halt in front of the piano and slowly opened the lid covering the keyboard. After staring at it for a couple of seconds, she started tracing the keys one by one. Quinn just watched her in silence, thinking about what Rachel had said before; the fact that she loved Quinn. The blonde wondered since when she had felt that way. Maybe since they had gone on their last date? Or since they had been to the bar together? Or maybe even longer? She was about to ask Rachel about it, when the sound of Rachel pressing some keys on the piano hit her ears. Rachel played exactly three chords before she stopped, but Quinn could recognize the song right away. When the sound of the last chord faded, Rachel turned around and looked at Quinn, an ever so slight smile on her face.

"You don't know how much this meant to me back then," Quinn said with some difficulty, because her throat was suddenly clogged by emotions.

"It meant a lot to me too," Rachel replied. "It was the first time I really got to sing with you." She paused and closed her eyes for a second as if she was trying to recollect all the memories from that day. "It was also the first time, I noticed how beautiful you were. Not just pretty, but beautiful."

Quinn gulped as she thought back to the moment Rachel had introduced her as her 'friend' to the plastic surgeon. 'This is my...friend, Quinn' she had said. The sentence echoed in her mind as if she had just heard it that very second. It was hard to believe that so many years had passed between that moment and this one.

"I hadn't admitted it to myself at that point," Quinn said after she had cleared her throat. "But, it kind of hurt me to be nothing more than your friend. But who am I to tell you that? After all, it was me who was fooling around with Sam and Finn during that year."

Rachel stepped closer and slipped her hand into Quinn's. "You were more than that to me. It always felt weird to call you my friend, but I knew no better way to express what you meant to me." Her eyes found Quinn's, and the blonde could see that Rachel was struggling to find the right words for what she wanted to express.

"So what did I mean to you?" Quinn asked quietly.

Rachel closed her eyes again and frowned. The frown didn't disappear when she opened them again and something about her expression was so utterly Rachel Berry-ish that Quinn's heart contracted at the sight.

"You meant everything," Rachel replied. "You were my enemy, the girl who bullied me and the one who caused shame, fear and feelings of inferiority in me."

Quinn's eyes were starting to fill up with tears as she listened to Rachel. Her shoulders sank and all strength left her hand, so that it started slipping out of Rachel's.

"I-," she rasped, but was stopped by Rachel's hand holding onto hers.

"But much more than that, you were my support and my motivation when no one believed in me. Not even Finn or Mr. Shue. You inspired me to be a better person Quinn. You would see the real me like no one else did. You were somehow always there, and it took me long enough to realize that those who should've been, weren't. The day we sang this song together, I realized that I wanted to be closer to you. I wanted something more than just being in Glee together."

"That's why you saved me from the Skanks right at the beginning of senior year," Quinn stated and Rachel nodded.

"You weren't the only one who tried."

"But I was the only one to succeed," Rachel countered and a small smile started forming on her lips.

"Yeah, because I was in love with you," Quinn said and lowered her eyes to their intertwined hands.

"And I was kind of obsessed with you," Rachel replied.

"Kind of," Quinn smiled.

They were silent for a couple of moments, until Quinn remembered the towels she was still holding in her other hand.

"Here you go," she said and handed one over to Rachel.

The brunette started rubbing her neck and hair, but after a while she stopped mid-motion.

"Quinn?"

Quinn stopped dabbing her face with the towel and looked at her.

"Can you play something for me?"

"Right now?" Quinn asked in surprise. "Look at us! I think we really should take a shower first."

"Please, just a short piece," Rachel pleaded and looked at Quinn in such an adorable way that she couldn't find it in her to refuse the request.

The blonde sighed, lowered the towel and walked towards the piano. "Okay, but just because it's you."

Rachel followed her and sat down next to her. "What do you want to hear?" Quinn asked.

"Something you've written yourself," Rachel replied determinedly.

Quinn thought about her request for a moment until she nodded. Usually, she didn't let others listen to unfinished work, but there was a piece she started to write with Rachel in mind. It was still far from being finished and she had no idea whether she'd let anyone use it in their movie, but if someone had to hear it, the first person should be Rachel.

Yet, Quinn didn't tell Rachel any of this; she just placed her fingers on the keys and started playing one of the parts she had more or less finished composing.

The piece's intro was quiet and simple, only a trace of a melody was audible. After a few bars, the volume picked up and so did its complexity. It was hard to say which emotion dominated the melody. It was sad, somehow. But it also contained traces of hope, of romance and of a hundred other emotions, which were making up the complexity of her feelings for Rachel.

Quinn wondered how much of it the brunette would understand. Maybe the piece sounded completely different to her?

When she got to the part that she still hadn't fleshed out yet, she let the song fade out, until she took her hands from the keyboard and folded them in her lap.

"So what do you think?" she asked quietly.

Rachel seemed to contemplate over the question, if her pressing her lips together was any indication. In the end, she didn't say anything, but leaned forward and placed the sweetest kiss on Quinn's lips.

"What was that for?" Quinn said and smiled.

"Just because," Rachel replied and scooted even closer towards her.

She looked up at Quinn, her chocolate eyes meeting her hazel ones, and if she wouldn't feel the cold fabric of her blouse against her chest, she would've sworn she was dreaming. "Just because I love you," Rachel whispered and before Quinn's heart could even start pounding faster, she felt Rachel's lips on her own again.

Since Rachel gave her no space to say those words back, Quinn tried to convey all her feelings through the kiss. She placed her hand on the back of Rachel's head and held it in place, while the other hand cupped one of her cheeks. She wanted to make her feel safe while she went on exploring her girlfriend's mouth with her lips and tongue.

'I love you,' said her upper lip as it swept over Rachel's.

'I love you,' cried her bottom lip as it was captured between Rachel's soft lips.

'I love you so much,' sighed her tongue as it carefully entered Rachel's mouth and explored every corner it could reach.

Rachel slung her arms around her waist and pulled their torsos closer together until Quinn's chest was almost colliding with Rachel's. Suddenly, the chill she had been constantly getting from her wet clothes and hair was forgotten. All she felt now was excitement and love which somehow had managed to heat up the air around her. Or was it her insides? Quinn couldn't say for sure, and frankly, she didn't care. All she cared about now was this literally breathtaking woman in front of her.

"Quinn?" Rachel said after she had pulled back just enough to leave space for breathing between them. "Can we go to your room?"

Quinn was a little disappointed that she wanted to stop their make-out session at that point, but she tried not to show it. "Sure. You must be feeling cold. Let's get us dried up and changed, okay?"

Rachel only smirked and brought her mouth close to Quinn's ear, her breath sending shiver's over Quinn's body. "I don't think I dry up that easily," she whispered in a low voice.

Quinn froze for a second when she tried to process the meaning behind those words. And then she finally understood. Her heart rate picked up once more and she had to clear her throat in order to answer. "Well, I guess there's no need to prepare a fresh set of clothing then?"

"I'll leave that up to you," Rachel whispered in her ear and got up from the piano chair. She cupped Quinn's cheek and placed a lingering kiss on her lips before she turned around and walked into Quinn's bedroom.

Quinn grinned like a fool, still intoxicated by Rachel's kisses, until she realized she had to follow her. Hastily, she got up from the chair, almost fell over one of the legs and hurried after Rachel.

The brunette was standing in the middle of the room kneading her hair, which was still not fully dried, with the towel Quinn had gave her earlier.

When Quinn entered, Rachel looked into her direction and a trace of hesitation flickered over her face for the fraction of a second before it changed to something Quinn had never seen on her face before. Rachel desired her. It made Quinn a little nervous, but also happier than ever.

"Let me help you with that," Quinn said. She walked over to Rachel and took the towel from her hands. She started where Rachel had left off, kneading her hair carefully until it was mostly dry. The diva's hair was still a mess, but to Quinn's eyes, she was still incredibly beautiful.

"You're beautiful Rachel," she whispered.

Rachel smiled and wrapped her arms around Quinn's waist to pull her closer. "So are you."

Quinn lowered her head and connected their lips once again. This time, she didn't bother to start slowly, because she knew that Rachel wanted her as much as she wanted Rachel. Her tongue found Rachel's right away and they picked up where they had left off earlier. When Rachel started sucking on Quinn's tongue while at the same time pressing their bodies closer together, a moan escaped from Quinn's mouth, which in turn made Rachel suck her tongue even harder.

Only now Quinn realized how much she had wanted this to happen. She knew Rachel was the type who needed to establish some serious feelings before she'd agree to have sex with someone and Quinn had had no problem in accepting and respecting that. But having Rachel this close and finally ready to take the next step in their relationship incited a new level of desire in Quinn and she had a hard time restraining herself from ripping Rachel's still wet clothes from her body right now and then.

"Rach," Quinn gasped when she suddenly felt two small hands on the fabric of her denim hot pants covering her bottom. The blonde moved her own hands from Rachel's head to her waist where she rested them for a moment before she moved further down until they were just above Rachel's butt. Quinn could feel that Rachel's knees were getting weak - the strength obviously going elsewhere in her body - so she used the opportunity to push against Rachel until her behinds came into contact with Quinn's wooden desk. Neither of them cared when a couple of notebooks and pens ended up on the floor when Quinn heaved Rachel up to bring her into a sitting position.

Rachel wrapped her legs around Quinn's waist, while the latter released Rachel's lips and moved on to her neck. Now it was Rachel's time to gasp and she threw her head into her neck as Quinn placed kisses all along the length of her neck while her hands were finding their way to Rachel's firm ass cheeks.

Rachel's reaction fueled Quinn's desire even more, sending a gush of wetness into her panties.

"Please, don't stop," Rachel moaned and dug her hands into Quinn's hair in order to keep her lips attached to her. Quinn had of course no intention of stopping - ever - and she let her tongue slide over the parts of Rachel's neck she had been kissing and sucking at for the last few minutes. She slowly made her way downwards and thanked God for Rachel's rather low-cut summer dress which left plenty of exposed skin for her to explore.

Rachel's hands had somehow found their way beneath Quinn's shirt and were roaming over her lower back, getting dangerously close to the hem of her pants.

"Oh god," Quinn exclaimed when the brunette's hands were suddenly not only beneath the denim, but also beneath the fabric of her panties and started squeezing the bare flesh of her ass.

"Rach," Quinn whispered against her collarbone. "I want to touch you."

"Then do it," Rachel said and in Quinn's ears those simple three words sounded like a symphony. She gulped heavily as she felt more wetness leaving her. Then she attacked Rachel's full lips once more and finally let her hands wander towards the spot she wanted to touch so badly.

"No bra?" Quinn said in surprise when the part of Rachel's body she was touching turned out to be softer than expected.

Rachel chuckled softly. She retrieved one of her hands from Quinn's ass and placed it over Quinn's. "Just shut up and touch me, Quinn," she whispered with an expression full of longing.

Quinn gulped once more, marveling about the impact Rachel's words were having on her mind and body. She let her palm trace around the swelling of Rachel's breast and even though the fabric of her dress was hiding it from view, it was thin enough to paint a clear picture in Quinn's imagination.

Quinn stretched her thumb and stroked it over Rachel's nipple, which was starting to be outlined against the cotton. Rachel whimpered into Quinn's mouth as she repeated the action and soon after, she arched her back into the blonde.

Quinn decided to take on the lead, so she carefully pulled on one of the straps of Rachel's dress until it fell down her shoulder. She repeated the action for the other side before she pulled the brunette off the desk. When Quinn glanced down on herself, she noticed that the buttons of her blouse were all opened. She looked at Rachel who only smiled innocently and batted her eyelashes.

Quinn stepped forward and captured Rachel's lips between her own while pushing her body into the brunette's to move them towards her bed which was only a few feet from the desk. When Rachel made a step backwards, the dress slid from her body and down to the floor. Quinn's blouse joined it shortly after.

When they had finally reached her bed, Quinn halted a moment to look down on Rachel. Rachel Berry. In her bed. In nothing but a lace panty. "I can't believe it," Quinn mumbled to herself.

"Is something wrong?" Rachel's expression was changing into worry.

"No," Quinn shook her head determinedly. "Absolutely not."

She quickly got out of her pants and joined Rachel on the bed. "This is just perfect. You are perfect," Quinn said as she hovered over Rachel, their eyes locked and their faces close to each other.

Rachel's pupils had widened, her hair was disheveled completely and her make-up was smudged around her eyes. However, this didn't make her look in any way imperfect. It made her appear so raw and real, that Quinn believed she had just discovered the true essence of Rachel Berry.

Quinn's mouth went dry as she scanned Rachel's face, her protruding collar bones and eventually her small breasts which were a tad lighter than the rest of her skin. "You don't know how much I want you," Quinn breathed after her eyes were meeting Rachel's again.

"Then take me," Rachel said. "I'm all yours."

Quinn swooned. She didn't want to be possessive and she also knew she couldn't possibly 'own' Rachel, but something about the fact that she was able to call her 'hers' made Rachel's feelings for her so much clearer and realer.

The blonde took one deep breath before she lowered her body on top of Rachel's. She placed a loving kiss on her lips, but the innocence disappeared soon as it was replaced by almost uncontrollable desire.

Quinn felt Rachel fidgeting with the clasp of her bra and both of them let out a moan as the piece of clothing was gone and Rachel's palms were squeezing Quinn's breasts.

Quinn moved her thigh until it was pressing into Rachel's center where a warm moisture was already soaking through her panty. As soon as Quinn had made contact, she felt Rachel shifting closer in order to increase the friction on the sweet spot.

Quinn regarded it as her signal to let go of Rachel's lips and move on to her breasts. She squeezed one of them in her palm while she brought her lips around the light brown nipple of the other one.

"Oh god, baby," Rachel gasped after Quinn had started swirling her tongue around it. The term of endearment filled Quinn with even more eagerness, so she gently bit down on the nipple and sucked it into her mouth while she rolled Rachel's other nipple between her fingers.

Rachel's breathing was becoming more ragged and she was thrusting her hips into Quinn's thigh. Quinn knew she shouldn't wait too long, so she quickly sat up and removed both their remaining underwear while Rachel kept touching her constantly, making the whole action a lot harder than it was supposed to be.

Quinn placed a few light kisses around Rachel's navel while her hands were roaming over her thighs. She could already smell Rachel's arousal and even though she in general was no one who'd describe the scent as 'sweet' or 'flower-like' as some of her books did, she was definitely beguiled and higher than any drug could ever get her.

When she felt Rachel's neatly trimmed pubic hair tickle her chin she moved on to her inner thighs and run her tongue all over it. Eventually, she found herself face to face with Rachel's center and the source of the scent that was driving her out of her mind.

Quinn didn't want Rachel to feel insecure again, so she didn't hesitate to bring out her tongue and run it along her folds. Rachel gasped and dug her hands into Quinn's hair. The blonde smiled against Rachel's center because she still couldn't believe her luck. Using her tongue, she gathered some of Rachel's wetness and lubricated every part of her center so that it wouldn't hurt in case her clit was still too sensitive for touch. However, judging from the way Rachel tried to move her hips against Quinn's mouth that didn't seem to be the case at all.

When Quinn's tongue hit the right spot she felt a gush of wetness leaving Rachel, which in turn increased her own moisture even more. She ran her tongue over Rachel's clit a few times until Rachel's breathing picked up. Before Rachel could get too close, however, Quinn retrieved her mouth from her center and looked at Rachel, who let out a disappointed whimper.

Quinn smiled. "I want to see you," she whispered. She shifted forward and captured Rachel's lips. "I love you," she said as she pulled back just a little.

"I love you too," Rachel replied, looking up at her.

While their lips connected again, Quinn let her index finger slide through Rachel's folds until it was coated in her moisture. She started drawing circles around her clit, only slowly increasing the pressure to let her enjoy every second of it.

"Rach!" she gasped when she realized that Rachel was beginning to do just the same to her. She trembled when the diva's finger rubbed over her clit, so that is was hard to keep her own fingers moving.

"Rachel...you're so sexy," Quinn said and started to breath more heavily. She knew she was close already, which was no surprise given the degree of her desire for Rachel. She slowly moved her index finger downwards and dipped it into Rachel's opening. Only an inch at first, but when she noticed how easily it slid in, she entered her with the full length of her finger.

"Oh my god, Quinn," Rachel moaned. "Dont. Stop. Please."

Quinn moved rhythmically inside Rachel while she let her thump come into contact with Rachel's clit with every thrust. After a while, she felt Rachel getting tighter around her finger and she tried keeping herself on the edge just a little longer.

"Fuck, Rachel," she moaned as Rachel started tugging at one of her nipples. It took just one more stroke over her clit before Quinn lost it.

"Rach, baby," she panted as her orgasm was rolling over her. She trembled even more but retained enough energy to repeat her trusting a couple of times until she finally felt Rachel's walls clamping around her finger.

"Quinn!" Rachel cried when she followed the blonde over the edge. Quinn had expected her to be the loud type in bed, but seeing it all play out in front of her was so much better than all her fantasies could've ever been.

Quinn slowly pulled out her finger and started smothering small kisses over Rachel's face as both of them were catching their breath.

She laid down next to Rachel and pulled her into her arms. Rachel placed her head in the crook of her neck and they remained like that until the sounds of panting had subsided and the room was quiet again.

"That was amazing," Rachel whispered before she placed a kiss on Quinn's neck.

"Yeah," Quinn agreed.

They were silent for a minute while Rachel drew lazy circles on Quinn's arm.

"Wanna do it again?" Rachel eventually disrupted the silence.

Quinn just laughed before she rested her head on her elbow and turned to look at Rachel.

"Go ahead. I'm all yours."


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks for all the new reviews and follows! This chapter is not beta read yet, so please excuse any mistakes, but I didn't want to make you wait for too long. Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 16

"Whose idea was it again to have a picnic in the park in this kind of weather?" Kurt lamented while he fanned the latest Vogue issue in front of his face in an attempt to cool the sweat that was glistening on his forehead.

"Oh come on, I know you love picnics in the park," Rachel pointed out. "May I remind you that you were all over the idea only last week?"

"Yes, before I knew we were about to get fried alive," Kurt defended himself as he placed the magazine on the pink blanket beneath them, apparently giving up on trying to improve his sweat situation.

Quinn watched the pair in amusement. She felt as if she had just traveled back in time. Rachel and Kurt's friendship was exactly like it had been in high school. Suddenly she wished she would have made more efforts to maintain her own friendships. Maybe she should give Santana and Brittany a call during the weekend.

"At least we have good food," Lola pointed out as she started unpacking the bag full of hamburgers, fries and salads they had picked up on their way to the park.

"We can only hope no one steals it," Kurt grumbled while he let his eyes wander around the lawn, which was packed with so many people that they were almost sitting back to back with other groups of picnickers. "Our food looks so much better than others'. Maybe they get jealous."

"Oh don't be silly, Kurt," Rachel cut him off. "Nobody's going to steal anything. Try to at least pretend you're enjoying it. Imagine this is an audition. Get on your acting game."

"All right, all right," Kurt replied before he took a long sip from his iced cafe latte.

"Thanks for inviting me to come along," Lola addressed Quinn, who was just silently observing Rachel with a slight smile around her lips as she thought about their passionate night the day before. She turned her head and nodded. "No problem. I thought you'd might want to forget about your work stress for a while."

"So what exactly do you do, Lola?" Kurt joined in their conversation.

"Something related to economics and statistics," Lola replied and laughed. "No need to know in detail. Sometimes even I don't understand what exactly I'm doing."

"I don't get anything about economics anyways," Kurt replied as he started to fan air towards his face again. "The only thing I know is that recessions are bad." He shrugged and run his hand over his hair to check whether it was still coiffed perfectly.

"Yeah, that's right," Lola smiled before she turned towards Rachel, who was sitting with her legs crossed and appeared to be daydreaming.

"Have you been to any auditions lately?" Lola asked.

Rachel shook her head. "No, I'm busy at the cafe nowadays. The hot weather brings in so many customers."

"I see. Must be stressful," Lola replied and was about to say more, when Kurt suddenly sat up straight and pointed his index finger at Lola.

"Don't I know you from somewhere?" he asked, frowning.

"Me?" Lola replied in confusion. "I don't think so."

"Are you sure?" Kurt said and rubbed his chin.

"Pretty much," Lola replied and Kurt shrugged.

Quinn, who had been watching a big golden retriever running excitedly around the lawn, suddenly felt Rachel's fingers slip in between hers. A smile appeared on her face and she turned her head to find Rachel looking up at her from those beautiful dark brown eyes she loved so much.

Rachel smiled back at her before she leaned in and placed a small peck on Quinn's cheek.

"Oh my god, this is so weird!" they heard Kurt exclaiming. "Who would've thought that one day I'd have a picnic with Rachel Berry and Quinn Fabray and witness them kissing right in front of my eyes."

"You're just jealous," Rachel said and shot him an angry glare for ruining her romantic moment with Quinn.

"No, I'm not!" Kurt protested before he let out a huff. "I have to admit you two are kind of cute, though."

Quinn just laughed and slung her arm around Rachel's shoulder. "You better get used to this," she said before she leaned towards Rachel and kissed her on the lips.

"Uhg, spare my eyes!" Kurt squealed, but when Quinn looked at him, she saw him smiling. Their eyes met briefly and Quinn could almost hear him telling her to take good care of Rachel or he'd kill her in her dreams.

"Okay, can we please eat now? I'm starving," Lola said and Quinn heard the annoyance in her roommate's voice. She frowned, but as soon as the smell of a double cheeseburger with extra bacon entered her nostrils, she forgot everything and eagerly reached for the food Lola was handing her.

While they ate, they talked a lot about old times and Quinn felt a little sorry for Lola, since she probably had no idea what they were talking about most of the time. Yet, she couldn't miss the opportunity to listen to Kurt's latest gossip about certain glee club members.

"What? Sam got a tattoo of his girlfriend's name? On his behinds?" Rachel laughed. "How did that happen?"

"I don't know, but I saw the pictures," Kurt chuckled. "It's definitely confirmed. "You want to see them?"

Rachel nodded eagerly while Quinn raised an eyebrow. "You have pictures of Sam's ass?" she asked.

"I got them from Mercedes," Kurt replied as he scrolled through his phone.

"Why has Mercedes pictures of Sam's butt?" Rachel wondered. "They broke up years ago."

"I heard she got them from Puck," Kurt murmured. "Oh, I found it! Look!" He handed Rachel his phone. The short woman first squinted at the display and then burst out into laughter. "Oh my god. This is hilarious!"

"Let me see," Lola said and leaned in to look over Rachel's shoulder before she started laughing as well.

"You want to see it?" Rachel asked Quinn. The blonde just shrugged.

"Oh right, you have seen Sam's ass already," Kurt remarked, which earned him a death glare from Quinn.

"What? Why?" Lola asked in confusion while Rachel held Kurt's phone towards Quinn's face.

"I dated him when- Oh. My. God!" Quinn blurted out and leaned in to take a closer look.

"Jenna?" she read out aloud the playful black script with roses ranking around the letters. "Yeah. Definitely Sam's ass," she added.

Rachel gave her an indignant look which made Quinn laugh. "Don't worry, Rach, yours is much prettier."

While Rachel ducked her head and blushed, Lola tilted her head and said: "Wow, Quinn, I didn't know you also do boys."

"That was a long time ago," Quinn said as she handed the phone back to Kurt who took another long look at the picture before he shoved it in his pocket. Quinn didn't really want to know whether he used the pictures for other purposes besides showing it around, but knowing Kurt, there might be a possibility.

"I always knew you were gay," Kurt stated as he reached for the French fries that were placed in the middle of the pink picnic blanket.

"You did?" Quinn and Rachel asked simultaneously.

"Oh, come on, Quinn, you couldn't have been more obvious," Kurt replied and dipped a fry into the ketchup. "You were basically female Karofsky. All the denial really got to you, huh?"

"I was a bitch," Quinn nodded. "So what about...you know-"

"You liking Rachel?" Kurt ended the question for her while he mustered the ketchup covered fry as if he needed more time to consider whether to eat it or not. Just when Quinn couldn't take it anymore and was about to rip it from his hand, he put it into his mouth and started chewing.

Kurt shook his head before he swallowed. "No, I didn't. From the present perspective it is more than obvious, really. But back then I only wondered about your strange obsession with her sometimes. I didn't manage to connect the dots then."

Quinn didn't reply as she thought back to their high school days and the pain all the denial had caused her. How stupid she had been. But in her crooked teenage mind her behavior had seemed perfectly logical. If she couldn't be allowed to like Rachel Berry she had to hate her. Sometimes she wished she could travel back in time, yell at her 16-year-old self until she'd be brave enough to admit to her feelings and get Rachel before she even knew Finn existed.

Rachel, who seemed to have sensed a notion of what Quinn was thinking about, stroked her hand with her thumb. "Better late than never," she said and smiled.

Quinn nodded and returned her smile.

"Would it be alright if I went to have a quick smoke?" she asked and looked at her friends.

"You smoke?" Kurt said in surprise.

"It'll kill her one day," Rachel lamented before she sighed, "but if you really have to, you may go. But please note that you'll be missed. By me," she added as if it hadn't been clear already.

"Can I accompany you?" Kurt asked.

"You also smoke?"

Kurt shook his head. "I just want to get up for a moment, my legs are killing me. I'm not made to sit on the ground," he grumbled.

"Sure," Quinn nodded. "We'll be back right away," she said towards Rachel and Lola, who didn't seem too happy about the situation.

Quinn and Kurt got up on their feet and made their way through an endless number of picnic blankets with families, groups of friends, couples and a few solo-picnickers occupying them.

They reached the edge of the lawn, where Quinn stopped beneath a maple tree and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"Just say what you want to say," she said to Kurt who was watching her fumbling with the lighter.

"Excuse me?" he said in surprise.

"I'm sure you didn't come all the way here just to keep me some company," Quinn stated before she almost let out a curse at her malfunctioning lighter.

"Let me help you with that." Kurt stepped forward and gave Quinn fire from a lighter he had just retrieved from his pocket.

"You said you didn't smoke," Quinn remarked. She leaned back against the maple tree's trunk and took a long first drag.

"I don't. But it can always come in handy," Kurt shrugged. He crossed his arms, which had gained quite some muscle as Quinn noticed, over his chest and tilted his head.

"You're right Fabray, I really need to talk to you."

"Go on, Hummel" Quinn replied, expecting the standard 'if you hurt her, I'm going to kill you'-speech, people usually gave their best friend's new love interest.

"I just want to make sure you're not regretting this," Kurt said. "I can imagine that being with Rachel at this point isn't easy and I just want to make sure you know what you're getting into."

"What do you mean?" Quinn asked in confusion.

Kurt turned his head and shot a glance at Rachel and Lola in the distance as if he were afraid they could overhear their conversation, before he stepped closer towards Quinn and mustered her with a serious expression.

"I'm just saying you might get hurt in the process." He ruffled through his hair which was now messed up by his sweat anyways. "Rachel has changed a lot since high school," he added.

Quinn looked at him thoughtfully, not sure what she should make of his behavior. She had assumed he'd defend Rachel at all cost, but apparently he knew more about her than she did. Quinn took another slow drag from her cigarette and tilted her head as she watched the smoke rise into the blue summer sky.

"I changed a lot as well," she said eventually. "But my feelings haven't. As foolish as it may sound to you."

Kurt nodded as he watched the blonde looking up towards the maple leave covered sky above them. "She loves you a lot too. I'm just afraid you both might get hurt in the end. Rachel can be very-" he paused a moment to search for the right word "incomprehensible at times. You surely have noticed she is not the Rachel Berry we all had predicted her to be at this point. The successful Broadway star on her way to receive her first award."

"I'm very aware of that," Quinn replied. "Look Kurt, I can understand your concern, but I'm also not exactly at the point at which I would've seen myself ten years ago. I have my issues too. Everybody does. I can accept Rachel how she is right now and I will love her no matter whether she is a star or works part-time in a cafe. Also, I am used to suffering, so getting hurt doesn't scare me off anymore."

Kurt nodded slowly as he processed Quinn's answer.

"Kurt, do you mind if I ask you something?" Quinn asked.

"Ask away," he replied with a brief smile.

"I feel like there are some things Rachel is hiding from me," she began and took a last drag from the already very short nub. She threw it to the ground and grinded it under her flip-flop while a middle-aged fat man grunted at her and pointed to a sign reading 'Please throw your waste in the trash cans.' Quinn chose to ignore him and kept grinding even though the fire must've been long out.

"What happened during the last few years? Did something happen at NYADA?" she asked.

"Uhm," Kurt began and scratched the back of his head, "I'm not sure whether I am in the position to tell you. Maybe you should ask Rachel."

Quinn sighed and for the first time in their conversation let her defenses crumble to show him what she really felt. "I want to ask her," she said and a pleading expression took over her face. "But every time I get near the topic, she distanced herself from me."

"Quinn, as much as I want to help you, I don't think I can betray Rachel's trust," Kurt replied, however, he looked like he was struggling with himself.

"I know," Quinn lowered her head in defeat. "But I just want to be able to understand."

"Quinn, don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean to discourage you," Kurt replied and placed a hand on Quinn's shoulder to comfort her. "But if you're not able to understand Rachel, this might be a sign to not get into this too deep."

Quinn, however, shook her head vehemently and brushed his hand off her shoulder. "No," she said. "I cannot give up, Kurt. I love her. She is all I ever wanted and now I am finally with her. I cannot give up on this just like that." She looked up and met Kurt's understanding eyes.

"I'm not sure about your situation and maybe you don't understand it, but have you ever been unable to forget someone? To not be able to get that person's face out of your mind no matter how hard you try?" Quinn asked. She froze for a second and rolled her eyes. "Fuck that sounded so corny, right? But I really mean it."

Kurt looked at her and Quinn felt as if he was x-raying her mind.

"I'm not really sure what exactly happened to Rachel, because she distanced herself from me as well," he said after a few moments. "I just know her change of character didn't happen in just one day. It seemed more like a process. To be honest, I think she should see a therapist, but you know how she is. That girl never listens to advice."

Quinn opened her mouth to ask more, but Kurt cut her off "I'm sorry, Quinn, that's all I can tell you."

Quinn closed her mouth again and nodded. "Okay, I understand."

Kurt placed his hand on her shoulder once more and this time she didn't push it away. It actually felt comforting.

"I genuinely hope you and Rachel will be happy," he said and smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Try your best, but don't exhaust yourself. You don't deserve to hurt more than you already did."

Quinn wanted to protest, wanted to tell him there was no way she'd ever be exhausted from being with Rachel, but in the end she just nodded and gave him a quick curving of her lips which she hoped he'd interpret as a smile.

In the distance, Rachel was observing Quinn and Kurt standing under a maple tree. They were too far away to really make out anything, but she was almost sure she could see Quinn blowing smoke into the air.

"I wonder what they are talking about. They were never that close," Rachel thought out loud.

Lola, who was occupying herself with finishing the French fries, just shrugged.

"Maybe he's giving her the speech."

"What speech?" Rachel asked.

"The infamous 'if you hurt her I'm going to kill you'-speech," Lola replied.

Rachel tilted her head and squinted, but it didn't give her a clearer vision.

"Yes, that might be it," she said as she watched Kurt gesturing.

XVXVX

"Guys I think I'm heading home. I have to practice some lines for the rehearsal next week," Kurt said a couple of hours later when the sky had begun to appear more orange than blue and their shadows were longer than before. He folded the Vogue he had been reading instead of using it as a fan and shoved it into his bag.

"I think I'll also leave," Lola said and stretched her arms because she had been lying down for the last hour. "I really want to finish this Mexican telenovela my mum recommended me."

"Which one are you talking about? I love telenovelas," Kurt said.

"It's called 'Amar a Muerte' and they have this super cute couple," Lola replied, her eyes sparkling, because she finally found someone she could tell about her obsession. Even though she had shown Quinn some of her favorite shows, the blonde couldn't really be intrigued by any of the stories she loved.

"Is it the one where people get kidnapped all the time?" Quinn asked, not being able to suppress the sarcasm in her voice.

"Not all the time," Lola protested, but Quinn just grinned and stopped listening to Lola and Kurt's conversation. She lowered her gaze and found Rachel looking up at her. The brunette had decided that Quinn's thigh was the most comfortable place to rest and had since refused to change her position. Quinn had chosen not to tell her she couldn't feel her leg anymore. "Do you also want to leave?" Quinn asked while she stroked over Rachel's hair.

"I don't know," Rachel replied lazily.

"If you want we can stay longer. I can get us some snacks from the convenience store as well," Quinn replied with a smile.

Rachel seemed to think about the idea for a couple of seconds before she smiled back at Quinn and nodded. "I'd love that."

After Kurt and Lola had left and Quinn had hurried to the next convenience store to buy some potato chips and cookies, the park had significantly emptied.

"What are you thinking about?" Quinn asked as she watched Rachel gazing up into the sky even though the light pollution prevented them from seeing any stars.

Rachel turned her head to look at Quinn and slowly reached out until her hand made contact with Quinn's face. She touched Quinn's cheek, her eyebrow, her nose and ran her thumb over Quinn's bottom lip as if she were seeing her through her touch rather than her eyes. Quinn just let it happen and quietly watched Rachel, who even in the dim light of the night looked stunningly beautiful to her.

"I was thinking about us," Rachel said eventually. "About how strange it is that we are together. But even though it is strange, it feels as if it should've been this way all along. Don't you feel this way too?" Rachel's fingertips had reached Quinn's chin where they lingered for a second before she pulled back her hand.

"I do," Quinn breathed, already missing the feeling of Rachel's skin on hers. "I kind of wish we would've gotten to this point earlier, but at least we made it in the end," she added and scooted closer towards Rachel.

"Right," Rachel said and for a second it seemed as if guilt was washing over her face.

"But you were dating some guy back then, weren't you?" Quinn asked.

"Yeah," Rachel replied weakly, avoiding Quinn's eyes.

Quinn wanted to ask her about that guy, but after thinking about it, she decided to let it go. She didn't really want to know. It had hurt enough to see her with Finn and hear stories about him all the time. "I'm glad you broke up," she said instead.

The uneasiness on Rachel's face disappeared and she let out a laugh which sounded like that of an angel - not that she had ever heard an angel laugh. But if there were angels their laughs must sound like that.

"Me too," Rachel said and pressed a kiss on Quinn's cheek.

It had gotten a little chilly as the hot afternoon sun had been replaced by a cool late evening breeze. Quinn's eyes fell in the layer of goosebumps which were covering Rachel's arms. Not completely selflessly, she moved behind Rachel and slung her arms around her, so that Rachel's back was firmly pressed against her chest.

"Thanks for giving us a chance," Quinn whispered in the brunette's ear.

"No, thank you," Rachel replied. "I know it's not always easy to be with me."

Quinn wanted to protest and tell her that being with her was the most amazing thing that ever happened to her, but then she had to think about the emotional roller-coaster Rachel had put her through the past weeks and about what Kurt had told her. Thinking about how quickly Rachel had been willing to cancel their whole relationship had really hurt and it still did. Telling Rachel being with her was easy would be a lie and she didn't feel like lying.

"I love you," Quinn said instead, because that was entirely true.

"I love you too."

"I wish we could see the stars," Rachel sighed as she looked up into the sky and squinted. Yet, all she saw was the yellowish haze of city lights covering the night sky. "Do you see any?"

"Yes," Quinn replied with a smile as she watched Rachel shifting and tilting her head.

"Really? Where?"

"Right here," Quinn replied before she cupped Rachel's cheek, turned her head and pressed her lips on Rachel's.

"You're so cheesy," Rachel laughed against her lips without breaking the contact.

"I'm romantic," Quinn mumbled before she took Rachel's bottom lip between hers. "I know you love it."

Rachel opened her mouth to reply, but Quinn slid her tongue inside and shut her up.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter is not beta-read yet, so please excuse any mistakes. I expect this story to have around 25 chapters in the end, so there is still some development left. Please let me know what you think in the reviews!

Chapter 17

Colorful neon lights mixed with the blackness of the night and then passed by in a haze as Rachel looked out of the bus window. Her head rested against the cool glass and her eyes didn't leave the buildings and people coming into sight and leaving it a second after.

Quinn was sitting right next to her, her head resting on Rachel's shoulder. She had fallen asleep as soon as they had taken the bus. Rachel hadn't asked and Quinn didn't offer it, but somehow it had been clear Rachel would stay with Quinn tonight.

Through the window she could see the portion of neon getting smaller, the crowds of people transforming into pairs and individuals, and the buildings becoming lower. They were getting close to Quinn's neighborhood.

Rachel looked at the illuminated windows which were stamped into each building lining the streets. She thought about how behind each of those windows people were living. People with their own concerns, hopes, dreams. With their own stories. Maybe they had way harder things to deal with than herself. Rachel suddenly felt insignificant and stupid for her inability to get her life back on track.

It wasn't even as if something horrible had happened that had changed her life irreversibly. She herself had been the main issue and she herself had to be the key to resolve it. If only she finally found the strength to do it.

A tear ran down Rachel's cheek and she wiped it away brusquely. She didn't even know why she was crying. Was there even anything she knew at all?

In that moment Quinn shifted her hand, which was holding Rachel's, and clutched it tighter. Rachel turned, carefully to not wake her girlfriend, and let her eyes wander over her blonde hair, her long eyelashes, the almost invisible freckles around her nose, and her lips, which were slightly parted as she slept. Her chest moved up and down with every breath. The movement was almost unnoticeable.

She looked more than beautiful. Rachel rummaged her mind for the right word to describe her, but the English language didn't seem to contain a word that came even close to what she wanted to express. Maybe no language in the world could do that. Expressing how she felt about Quinn. What she meant to Rachel. Well, maybe there was one. Quinn meant everything.

The same moment the bus rode over a small bump in the road and shook Quinn awake from her nap, Rachel suddenly felt terribly afraid. Her eyes met a surprised Quinn's and while the blonde was probably thinking about how far they had gotten already, Rachel's mind was filled with one thought that slowly started gnawing at the feelings of happiness and hope she had felt before. 'What if I mess it all up again?'

What if she lost Quinn? What if she wasn't good enough to maintain this relationship? How did she even deserve her? While the carousel of thoughts was turning inside her mind and got faster with every spin, Quinn rubbed her head and checked the display for the next station.

"Rachel? Are you alright?" She asked when Rachel hadn't been very responsive to her remarking that they had to get off after two more stations.

"What?" Rachel replied taken aback since she had just been pulled out of the carousel whose velocity had evolved to that of a tornado. "I'm fine, I was just thinking that I didn't bring a toothbrush."

"Don't worry," Quinn said and smiled. "I bought one for you."

"Really?" Rachel asked.

Quinn nodded. "I'm expecting you to be around my place more often from now on." She tilted her head and her smiled changed into a grin. "Preferably without clothes."

"Quinn!" Rachel exclaimed and playfully hit her arm. A second later she leaned forward and brought her lips near Quinn's ear. "If you're lucky, you might see me without clothes tonight."

The slight blush creeping into Quinn's cheeks encouraged Rachel to tease her more. "And if you're nice to me, I might even let you touch."

"If you don't stop being such a tease, I'm going to take off your clothes right here," Quinn grumbled, but Rachel could tell it was a happy grumble.

"Well as much as I would like to test your guts to do so, I'm afraid we arrived," Rachel said nonchalantly while she threw her long hair behind her shoulder.

"I would have totally done that," Quinn insisted while they got up to leave the bus.

Rachel just raised her eyebrows and shot her a questioning look.

"Okay maybe not," Quinn mumbled as the doors opened. They stepped out into the cool summer night and the bus took off. Quinn held out her hand and Rachel took it without hesitation. The blonde lead them along the street towards her apartment, which was a five minutes' walk from the bus stop.

As they passed a corner where the streetlight didn't quite reach, Quinn suddenly stopped.

"What is it?" Rachel asked, but Quinn didn't answer. Instead she was mustering her with an unreadable expression. Her pale features stood out in the dark and it gave her an almost otherworldly look. Rachel suddenly felt a little nervous, because Quinn's eyes were hidden in the shadow of their sockets and she had no idea what the blonde could be thinking.

"Quinn?" she asked again. "What-?" She didn't get farther than that because in that exact moment Quinn stepped forward, effectively pressing her own body into Rachel's. Rachel had no choice but to take a step back if she didn't want to lose her balance.

"Rachel," Quinn finally breathed as she pushed further into her until Rachel's back hit the brick wall behind them. "Rach," she said again, her hot breath brushing over Rachel's face as she leaned in even closer. Quinn placed on of her hands on the wall behind Rachel while her other hand curled around her waist.

Rachel's heart started beating faster as she looked up at her girlfriend, her lips being so close to hers. Rachel couldn't help but let her gaze drop to catch a glimpse of her pink lips which were now appearing bluish in the dark. When Quinn's lips crashed into hers with more force, but also more passion that usual, her eyes went shut and so did her brain. She'd never be able to conceive any coherent thoughts while kissing Quinn Fabray. That was just impossible.

"Rach," Quinn breathed against her lips, not disrupting the contact even for a second. The blonde pulled her closer, pressing Rachel's hips into her own. "I love you so much," she mumbled as her lips were travelling over Rachel's face, kissing her forehead, her eyelids, her nose and her cheeks until they found her lips again.

Rachel dug her hands into the fabric of Quinn's t-shirt as she tried to focus on forming words with her lips which were more focused on deepening their kiss.

"I-" Rachel started just when Quinn swiped her tongue over her bottom lip, "love you too." As soon as she had finally managed to get out her reply, Quinn's tongue entered her mouth, effectively shutting down her ability to talk. Not only physically but also mentally. There was just no room for anything except dwelling in the dreamlike feeling Quinn's kisses incited in her. Especially when they were passionate like that and made her feel like she was floating just above the ground.

"Quinn," she whimpered when the blonde's lips left hers and continued their ministrations on her neck.

"Rach," Quinn mumbled against the crook of her neck while she kissed her soft skin, once in a while running her tongue over the spot she had just marked as her territory. "I love you," she said once again, but it sounded different than the first one.

Rachel, her eyes still closed as she breathed heavily, couldn't bring up the mental capacity to figure out what exactly had sounded different in Quinn's voice, because the blonde still hadn't stopped caressing her neck and now her hand had traveled dangerously close to her behinds.

"I love you," Quinn said again and suddenly Rachel felt her trembling against her body. The kisses stopped and Quinn pressed her face into the crook of Rachel's neck instead, the wetness she left there being more than just her saliva.

"Quinn? What's wrong?" Rachel asked in surprise after she wrapped her arms around the blonde and pulled her closer towards her body.

"I love you," Quinn said once more letting out a sob at the same time. "I love you."

"I love you too, baby," Rachel said and ran her hand up and down Quinn's back in an attempt to soothe her. "What's wrong?"

But Quinn didn't answer and instead buried her face even deeper into Rachel's neck. The hand which had rested on the wall before was now dug deep into Rachel's dress, to the point Rachel would've been concerned she'd rip it apart if she had cared. But she didn't, because all she could care about in that moment was Quinn and the source of her sudden outburst. Had she done anything to upset the blonde today? She couldn't think of anything.

"Did I do anything wrong?" she asked, her lower lip trembling as Quinn's crying was starting to become contagious.

She could feel Quinn shaking her head against her neck. Finally, after what felt like hours, but were probably just a couple of seconds, Quinn detached her face from Rachel's neck and looked at her. Her eyes were red as far as Rachel could tell from the sparse light and when she moved her head, she could see the glistening traces of tears on her cheeks.

"I'm just so afraid, Rachel," Quinn said weakly, every word bringing more tears to her eyes.

"Of what?"

"Of losing you again," Quinn sobbed as she lowered her head. "I love you so much it almost hurts."

Rachel took Quinn's face into her hands and made her look at her. "Quinn, why are you thinking like that? You won't lose me that easily."

Quinn held her gaze as she seemed to be thinking about something. "I waited so long," she said after a while. "It hurt so much, Rachel. I don't know why I could never get over you, I really don't know. All I ever wanted was being with you. And now that I am, I can't help but imagine what it'd be like to lose you again."

"You won't lose me," Rachel said once more, trying to get through to Quinn, but she seemed confined in her own thoughts.

"Now, it'd hurt so much more," Quinn added before a fresh wave of subs let her shoulders shake.

"You won't lose me, okay?" Rachel repeated, louder this time, and finally Quinn seemed to have heard her, because she stopped trembling and her eyes seemed to dry up.

"Really?"

"I promise," Rachel said before she got on her toes and pressed a kiss on Quinn's forehead. Then she pulled Quinn into a hug, trying to convey what she felt for her through the gesture, because she knew words wouldn't be - couldn't be - enough. She felt Quinn's arms around her back, returning the embrace.

"I'm sorry for being like this," Quinn said quietly.

"I understand," Rachel replied. And she did. She knew it must be hard for Quinn to trust her, especially after Rachel had already threatened to throw it all away once.

Rachel looked up towards the sky as she held Quinn in her arms. Since the area wasn't as lit up as the center of the city, she could actually see a couple of stars scattered above them.

"Did you know you could see the stars from here?" she asked.

"No," Quinn said as she loosened their embrace and rubbed her eyes. She followed Rachel's gaze and fell quiet.

"Isn't it weird that we are looking into the past when we see the stars?" Rachel asked. "It's kind of sad to think they are actually already dead, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Kind of," Quinn said.

"You know, I always thought being a star would be everything I wanted, but thinking about it, the stars in the sky and stars on earth are maybe too similar after all."

"How do you mean that?" Quinn asked as she turned to face Rachel.

"Both are brilliant when you look at them, but they are already dead inside."

Quinn took her hand in hers as she looked up into the night sky again. "Well maybe you shouldn't be a star then."

"But what should I be instead?" Rachel asked with a trace of desperation in her voice.

"How about being Rachel Berry?" Quinn replied.

Rachel looked at her questioningly.

"Rachel Berry inside and Rachel Berry outside. Brilliant and alive," Quinn said. "I think that'd be just about right."

She turned towards Rachel and took her other hand into hers as well. "Don't be a star. Be Rachel Berry," she said with determination.

Rachel nodded slowly as she processed Quinn's words. Maybe Quinn was right. Maybe she had been striving to be a star so much, she had actually forgotten to be herself.

Quinn, whose tears had finally subsided, pulled Rachel along with her and stepped out to the street. They walked the remaining three minutes towards Quinn's apartment without saying a word.

Rachel walked slightly behind Quinn and her eyes were fixed on their intertwined hands.

"I think Lola is already sleeping," Quinn whispered after she had closed the front door behind them.

"Okay, I'll be quiet," Rachel replied.

Like usual, she went to use the bathroom first and waited for Quinn under the covers of her bed, which Rachel found so much more comfortable than her own in Mrs. Green's apartment.

The small lamp next to the bed gave the room a cozy atmosphere which would've put her right to sleep if it wouldn't have been for the endless loops of thoughts inside her head. Rachel couldn't help but try to analyze what exactly she had done wrong to make Quinn cry like that. Throw in a few spoons of doubts about all her life decisions so far and you'd have the perfect brain wrecker mix. Of course nothing had gotten clearer when Quinn entered the room and found Rachel kicking the blanket in frustration like a child not wanting to go to sleep.

"Rach, what are you doing?" Quinn asked and Rachel turned to look at her.

"Oh my God Quinn!" Rachel exclaimed, totally forgetting being quiet as her eyes fell on the glory of what was Quinn's naked body.

"What?" Quinn raised an eyebrow. "It's not like you haven't seen this before."

"Yes, but-" Rachel stuttered as she couldn't help but let her eyes wander over Quinn's pale chest.

"But?" Quinn asked and stepped forward until she reached the bed.

"I was just surprised," Rachel mumbled while she watched Quinn pulling off the blanket from her before she sat down next to her on the bed. The blonde tugged on Rachel's shirt which was one of Quinn's old university t-shirts. "Why are you wearing clothes?" Quinn asked in a teasing tone while she slowly pulled up the shirt until the rim was ending right below Rachel's chest, which was moving up and down more rapidly than before.

Quinn leaned forward until her lips were just an inch away from Rachel's. "You don't need these clothes, do you?" she whispered, her breath tingling on Rachel's face. The diva shook her head with her eyes closed awaiting the familiar touch of Quinn's lips on hers, but it didn't come. When she opened her eyes she found Quinn still hovering over her.

"I'm sorry for crying earlier," she said as her eyes locked with Rachel's.

Rachel reached out and cupped her cheek. "No, don't be. I understand," she answered. "I'm sorry I cannot give you more confidence in this relationship. But I'll try my best. I promise, Quinn."

Quinn smiled and pressed a kiss on Rachel's forehead. "You know I love you, right?"

"I do."

"Okay then let me make love to you," Quinn answered and pushed up the rim of Rachel's shirt further until her hands were palming her breasts.

"No," Rachel said determinedly.

Quinn's movement froze and she looked at her in surprise. "No?"

Rachel started grinning. "I'm going to make love to you." Before Quinn could react, she had grabbed the other woman and planted her to the bed. She straddled Quinn's bare waist and leaned forward to keep Quinn's hands attached to the pillow, applying just the right amount of force to prevent her from moving.

After she was sure Quinn wasn't trying to wrestle free from their current position, she quickly removed her own shirt and threw it to the floor without giving it another glance.

"Not yet," Rachel reprimanded when Quinn reached out to touch her body. She grabbed the blonde's hand mid-air and planted it back on the pillow above Quinn's head.

Rachel took a second to take in the sight of naked Quinn beneath her. Her blonde hair was spread around her head and the dim yellowish light made it almost look like a halo. But Quinn wasn't an angel. No, she was the apple of temptation and Rachel wasn't afraid to succumb to it.

She slowly lowered her head until her lips were almost touching Quinn's. She could see the expectation and desire in her girlfriend's eyes and it made her feel loved and wanted, something she hadn't felt for quite some time. Until she had met Quinn again,

She finally closed the space between them and as her lips found Quinn's, the blonde immediately let out a content sigh. The kiss intensified quickly and soon Rachel had forgotten about the no touching policy as she let Quinn grab her pajama shorts-covered ass without any protest.

While Rachel continued to attack Quinn's lips she shifted her position so that her thigh slid in between Quinn's legs and her knee lightly brushed against Quinn's center.

"Oh my god, Quinn." Rachel gasped when she felt Quinn's apparent desire for her. Following her instincts, she increased the pressure and let her leg grind against Quinn's wetness while she moved her lips along Quinn's neck, placing kisses on every inch of skin she could find. She only stopped her motions when Quinn tried to take of Rachel's panties, but she made sure to attach to her as soon as the piece of clothing had joined her shirt on the floor.

Rachel noticed that Quinn had started grinding against her. It felt amazing on one hand, however, she still had a lot planned and couldn't allow Quinn to get her release too early. When Rachel pulled back her knee Quinn let out a whimper of protest, but Rachel immediately silenced her by connecting their lips once more.

"Not yet," she said, before she moved to close her lips around Quinn's earlobe. "Be a good girl for me," she whispered into Quinn's ear. She could feel Quinn shudder beneath her and so she let her hot breath brush over her ear once more, enjoying the teasing.

Quinn's hands were slowly wandering from her ass up to her hips and then towards her breasts, but Rachel once more grabbed Quinn's hands and pinned them over the blonde's head.

When she looked into Quinn's eyes, they reflected a mixture of frustration and desire. It was probably the sexiest thing Rachel had ever seen. The diva smiled and the frustration in Quinn's eyes changed into affection. Rachel recognized the look in her eyes right away. It had always been there. Even seven or maybe more years ago. It had taken her a long time, but she was finally able to properly understand it.

Rachel knew that the look in her own eyes must be similar to the one Quinn was regarding her with. Rachel once more realized how much her feelings for Quinn had grown. She loved her more than ever. Yet, it didn't feel like a big revelation, nor like a surprising development. The feeling had been somewhere inside her all along.

Seeing Quinn returning her smile while she was sweating and breathing heavily beneath her, Rachel wondered whether Quinn knew she had always kind of returned her feelings. She probably had sensed it somehow. Quinn always did. Maybe Quinn too wondered from time to time what would've happened if Rachel had agreed to be with her earlier. Thinking back, however, Rachel knew that it was better the way it had happened.

"Stop smiling and use your mouth elsewhere already," Quinn complained, looking all flushed and bothered. She moved her hands, trying to touch Rachel, but had to give up when Rachel managed to hold them in place.

"Someone's desperate," Rachel teased, but actually she couldn't wait to give in to her request, since she had let Quinn wait long enough. Seven years was a lot to catch up on.

She moved her head lower until she found Quinn's small and soft breasts and slowly let her thump run over one of her nipples. She could feel it stiffen and felt a little proud for being the source of the reaction.

Since her hands were now occupied otherwise, Quinn's had already found their way back to Rachel's body and were roaming all over her back. Rachel could feel herself getting wetter by just touching Quinn's well-maintained body, but she knew that even if the blonde wouldn't work out once in a while, she'd still find her incredibly attractive. Her being Quinn was enough for her.

Rachel dipped her head and smiled before she let her tongue swirl around Quinn's other nipple. The blonde let out a deep moan which made Rachel almost forgot her own name. She increased the pressure a little while she let her hand wander south, over Quinn's belly and finally over her pubic bone until she could feel the patch of wetness between her legs.

Without much hesitation Rachel dragged two of her fingers through her wetness until she reached Quinn's golden spot.

"Babe," Quinn whimpered and ran her fingers through Rachel's long hair. Rachel repeated the movement a couple of times, careful to do it slowly so she could tease Quinn some more.

"Rach, please," Quinn moaned and trusted her hips upwards to gain more contact.

"Please what?" Rachel asked, letting go of Quinn's nipple for a moment.

"Touch me more, please," Quinn almost begged. "I want you so bad."

"I love you," Rachel said before she pressed a soft kiss on Quinn's lips.

"I love you too," Quinn replied, the last word coming out as a surprised gasp when Rachel chose that moment to slide her finger into Quinn's opening. After a few careful pushes which made Quinn squirm beneath her she added a second finger and slightly increased her force making sure to let her thump touch Quinn's most sensitive spot with every thrust.

She leaned forward to kiss Quinn again which turned out to be a rather sloppy task since the blonde was more occupied with moaning, but Rachel loved the reactions she was able to incite in Quinn.

Rachel froze for a second when she suddenly noticed Quinn's finger running through her own folds and moving to stroke her clit. "I told you to be patient," Rachel said in between kisses, but didn't made any attempt to stop Quinn from what she was doing. It simply felt too good to stop her.

"I don't want to wait," Quinn moaned and started to move her finger in circles.

But after a few second, she stopped her motions and opened her eyes. "Turn around," she said softly, but commanding.

Rachel looked at her in confusion until she finally understood. She blushed a little, since she had never tried that particular type of position, but the affectionate look in Quinn's eyes made her give in to her request. Slowly, she turned around, feeling a little exposed at first, but when she felt Quinn's warm tongue brushing through her folds, she felt loved and just in the right place.

Rachel lowered her head and tried to concentrate on giving Quinn's center the attention it deserved, which was much easier said than done due to the pleasant shudders Quinn's tongue was sending through her whole body.

Quinn's chest was now heaving up and down more rapidly and Rachel could feel her own heartbeat picking up as well. She now targeted Quinn's clit more directly and increased the pressure of her tongue.

It didn't take long until Quinn came and started squirming beneath her. The hot moans she sent right into Rachel's own center made Rachel join into her bliss of satisfaction only shortly after.

Feeling like all strength had been drowned from her, Rachel collapsed on Quinn's body. It took her quite some willpower to turn around again. She wrapped her arms around Quinn's torso and the blonde offered her arm as a pillow. For a couple of moments, the two just listened to each other as they were trying to catch their breath again.

"I'll always be yours," Rachel whispered against Quinn's neck. She felt Quinn's arms holding her tighter and pressing them closer together.

"Always," Quinn said.

They fell silent for another minute and Rachel tried to take in every detail of the moment and the feeling of Quinn's skin on hers so she'd never forget it.

"Quinn, you didn't have your before-bed smoke yet," she said after a while.

"Oh you're right. I completely forgot," Quinn replied lazily while her index finger drew patterns on Rachel's back. "It's okay. I don't need it."

"Are you sure?" Rachel asked, happy to hear those words from the blonde.

"Yes. I'm sure," Quinn replied before she fell asleep.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Fall 2016

"Mind if I have this?" the blonde woman asked and pointed at the remaining piece of quesadilla on Lola's plate.

Lola laughed and shoved her plate towards Quinn, who started munching happily as soon as the food was within her reach.

"Thanks," Quinn mumbled with her mouth full of food. "Your food is amazing."

"I'm glad you like it." Lola smiled and rested her chin in her hand, while she watched Quinn. Her thoughts travelled back to the first time the other woman had tried her food. It had been on their second day of living together. This had also marked the first time Quinn made her heart flutter. If only back then she had known the heartache that feeling would bring.

"Are you alright?" Quinn asked, pulling Lola out of her thoughts.

"Yeah, I was just thinking about the interview," she replied.

"Don't worry, you'll do great," Quinn said. "They'd be stupid not to take you. Your GPA is basically perfect. Plus, you already interned there before. I'm sure they'll give you the job."

"Right," Lola replied with a sigh. "I'm still kind of nervous though. I really need a job to support my mum. The shop isn't doing too well at the moment. Too much competition in the neighborhood."

Quinn reached out and gave Lola's hand a squeeze. The action sent a nervous shiver down Lola's spine and her heart rate picked up. She wished Quinn would leave her hand there, but the contact ended after only two glorious seconds.

"If you want I can help you practice later," Quinn offered.

"Really? That would be great, actually. But do you have enough time for it?" Lola asked.

Quinn nodded. "I'm almost finished with work today. I'll just have to edit one more song, but it shouldn't take too long. The new software I got the other day is doing wonders."

"Okay, then I'll clean up the kitchen and you call me whenever you're ready?" Lola suggested.

"Deal," Quinn answered. "Thanks for making dinner. It was great as always." She smiled before she got up from the table and disappeared into her music room.

Lola's eyes landed on the two plates. She smiled when she saw that Quinn had left nothing but a few crumbs. Lola reached out and touched the plate as if somehow she could feel Quinn's presence on it. When would she ever get over this stupid crush? She shook her head at herself and sighed in resignation.

She got up from the table and put everything into the sink. While she watched the water flow over the dishes, her thoughts wandered off to a conversation they had had a few months ago.

"Why didn't it work out?" Lola had asked after Quinn had told her about another failed relationship, which hadn't even lasted two months.

"My feelings aren't strong enough, I guess." Quinn had shrugged. "She likes me way more than I like her and she must've sensed it."

"Oh," Lola had only said because she actually had been happy about the fact Quinn was single again. "But why don't you have feelings for her? She's a lovely person, isn't she?"

"Yeah. She certainly is." Quinn had sighed while her eyes hadn't seemed focussed on anything particular. "It's because of her, I think," she added after some time.

"Because of her?" Lola had asked in confusion. "Who are you talking about?"

Lola shook off the memory and added detergent to the water. However, while she scrubbed the plates, pan and glasses, she couldn't stop herself from thinking about Quinn.

After she had cleaned up the kitchen and practiced for the interview on her own, she approached the music room in order to ask Quinn whether she was ready to help her, but before she could open the door she heard the sound of the piano. Hadn't Quinn said she was just editing songs today? Why was she on the piano again?

Lola stopped her movements and listened closely. After a few seconds she recognized the song Quinn was playing. 'Get it right.' The song Quinn wished had been written for her as she had told Lola on one Saturday night, when they had been drinking more red wine than they should have out on the balcony. After telling Lola about it, Quinn had gotten up and had played Lola the song while thinking about her.

Lola sighed and turned away from the door. She didn't feel like practicing with Quinn anymore. Not when all she was thinking about was Rachel Berry.

XVXVX

August 2019

Lola smirked when she shoved the key into the door lock and entered the apartment.

She knew what she was about to do wasn't exactly a morally correct thing, but she was willing to make sacrifices, because she knew Quinn would never properly open her eyes and see the dark sides of that Rachel-girl unless someone else did it for her. And that someone would be Lola herself.

She didn't consider herself a bad person, but sometimes one had to do 'bad' things to get out of their misery. She just couldn't bear those unrequited feelings for Quinn anymore. After everything she had heard about Rachel Berry, she was positive she would be a better option for Quinn. She could give the blonde the stability and comfort she knew she needed.

"Quinn?" she called through the hallway to check whether her roommate was home.

"I'm here!" Quinn's voice came from the kitchen.

When Lola entered the room, Quinn was sitting on the kitchen table, a cup of iced americano with a Starbucks emblem in front of her. She looked up from her phone and gave Lola a quick smile before she directed her attention back to the screen.

"Got something interesting there?" Lola asked, raising her eyebrows.

Quinn smiled at the screen. The happiness in her features made Lola feel sick in her stomach.

"I took some selfies with Rachel yesterday. She has this stupid app giving you all kinds of animal faces and stuff. But some of them are actually very funny. Want to see?" Quinn finally looked up at Lola again.

Lola sighed before she grabbed a chair and sat across from the blonde.

"Quinn, there's something I need to tell you," she started with a serious expression.

Quinn shut off the phone screen and placed the device on the table. "What's wrong?"

"It's about Rachel."

Quinn shot her a quizzical look. "About Rachel?"

Lola nodded and intertwined her hands. "Well, I met up with my old friend a while ago. She used to attend NYADA and somehow we came to talk about Rachel," Lola explained leaving out the fact that she had meet that acquaintance – friend was actually an overstatement- solely for the purpose to find out all the dirty secrets about Quinn's girlfriend.

Quinn frowned but didn't say anything. Lola, however, knew her well enough by now to notice that she was tensing up.

"I'm sorry to tell you this Quinn, but I'm afraid she lied to you about certain things."

"What do you mean?" Quinn asked.

"Turns out she never had a boyfriend during her time at NYADA," Lola said and waited for Quinn's reaction. Quinn's expression darkened, but she didn't seem to have properly processed the information yet, so Lola decided to continue.

"Didn't you tell me that Rachel had a boyfriend when you first asked about your promise?" Lola inquired only barely stopping herself from calling it silly and childish, which their promise actually was.

"Yeah," Quinn said weakly as her eyes travelled back towards the black screen of her phone. "But are you sure your friend told you the truth?"

Lola almost scoffed at Quinn's apparent refusal to believe her. "Yes. And there is more."

She shifted in her chair and leaned forward. "Did you know that everyone in her major hated her? Apparently she had been going around pretending to be the best singer and stuff during their first semester so much, people couldn't stand her anymore. And then one day she suddenly stopped and became kind of a quiet outsider. She started to make mistakes, her grades dropped and she never landed one of the big roles."

"So why are you telling me all this?" Quinn said dryly.

"Because I think that your girlfriend," she pronounced the last word as if it spread a disgusting taste on her tongue, "is a fraud. A liar. She lied to you about her past and she surely didn't reveal lots of other stuff as well. Why do you think she didn't tell you she was single all along? She played you and deceived you! While you waited for her like a fool!"

"Shut up!" Quinn raised her voice. Lola flinched and backed away. That wasn't the kind of reaction she had hoped for.

Quinn rose from her table and placed her palms on the wood.

"I ask you once more: Why you are telling me this?" Quinn repeated, glaring at her roommate.

"I just told you, Rachel-"

"No this is not about Rachel!" Quinn cut her off. "This is about you. Do you think I'm really that stupid, do you, Lola?" Quinn leaned forward, which caused Lola to retreat back until she felt the hard wood of the chair in her back. She was confused and hurt about Quinn's reaction. She couldn't understand why the blonde wouldn't believe her. Had she fallen for Rachel that hard already?

"Don't you think I know about your feelings for me?" Quinn's voice cut through the air and Lola's face fell.

"What?!" she uttered.

"I know you like me, but you know I don't feel the same and believe me, I know that feeling. It hurts and it seems unfair and it's frustrating." The expression in Quinn's eyes softened for a second before the sternness reappeared.

"When Kurt said he had seen you somewhere you denied it, but he remembered after all. He told me he had had seen you at NYADA a couple of times. And he also knows your friend, who is apparently one of the biggest gossipers of their department. But even if you were right, I will not believe you anymore." Quinn let out an agitated breath.

"You betrayed my trust in you by digging up stuff about my girlfriend behind my back. It is not your place to tell me about my girlfriend's past!"

Lola started sweating as panic crept up her body. This wasn't supposed to happen, she wasn't the one Quinn should be angry at. Why wasn't she angry at Rachel?

"I, I just wanted to help you," Lola stuttered, not being able to hold Quinn's gaze anymore.

"You wanted to help yourself, Lola!" Quinn slammed her fist on the table and the dull sound filled the kitchen for the fraction of a second. "You think you love me? Well, this isn't love anymore. You're obsessed. You only thought about yourself and your happiness. I am happy with Rachel, okay? I didn't ask you to be happy for us, but if you really were in love with me you would've accepted my relationship. Because love isn't always about your own happiness."

Lola looked down at the table as each of Quinn's words stung her as if needles were pressing themselves into her chest. She suddenly felt stupid as she realized that Quinn was right. There was no way she'd ever end up with Quinn. Ever. She'd never be with her no matter how hard she tried.

"I'm sorry," she whispered without looking at Quinn.

Quinn was quiet for a few moments. Her heavy breathing was the only sound filling the silence.

"I think you better move out," she eventually said.

Lola felt tears burning in her eyes. She nodded weakly, because what else could she do?

"Maybe one day we can actually try being friends again. But it may take a while for me to be able to forgive you." Quinn stepped back from the table.

"I'll give you as much time as you need to move out your stuff. I'm not going to be home much anyways."

"One week," Lola said. "Just give me one week."

"Alright then," Quinn replied before she grabbed her phone and left the kitchen.

A few seconds later the sound of the door falling shut echoed through the room making Lola flinch as if it were a thunderbolt waking her from a deep sleep.

Slowly, she raised her hands to her face and cried. She cried because she had lost Quinn. And she cried because she never even had her in the first place.

XVXVX

Quinn was furious. She hadn't shown it in front of Lola, but her words had left an impact on her. She felt betrayed and disappointed that Rachel had apparently lied to her for so long. Given Rachel's mysterious behavior, especially her avoidance of certain questions, it was hard not to believe what Lola had told her. But she had to make sure. Only Rachel herself could bring some clarity into the confusion she was feeling right now.

Quinn had stormed out of the apartment without thinking and only know she realized she was already heading towards the subway station.

Quinn slowed her pace until she came to a complete halt. Her messy hair and the coffee stain on her white Nike t-shirt perfectly reflected her inner turmoil. She took a deep breath when she realized she shouldn't see Rachel like that. She needed to calm down first.

Quinn pulled out a cigarette from the pocket of her ripped hot pants, lit it up and leaned back against the closest wall, which was covered in red bricks and belonged to a store called 'John's dog supplies'.

She inhaled the smoke until it filled her lungs. Her heart rate calmed down and her mind cleared up somewhat as she watched the smoke being blown back into the air.

After finishing the cigarette, Quinn pushed herself off the wall and slowly walked towards the subway station. The streets were almost empty.

Quinn's thoughts were still racing, the nicotine had only brought a short-lived relief. Her eyes scanned the neighborhood until they were drawn to another shop window.

With determination in her steps Quinn walked towards the entrance and pushed the door open. The shady inside of the convenience store stood in stark contrast to the glaring sunlight outside, making Quinn feel dizzy for a second.

She was the only customer except an old lady, who inspected a shelf with instant food.

The cashier, who had been looking at his phone with a bored expression, gave her an odd look when he scanned the three cans of beer, but he didn't say anything, not even 'hi'.

XVXVX

Rachel hummed as she walked out the cafe down the avenue that would take her towards her apartment.

She had only made a few steps when she was suddenly grabbed by her wrist and twisted around. Prepared to finally use the self-defense skills she had acquired during her taekwondo class back in college, she tensed her body and raised her free arm, but when she looked into glazed hazel eyes, she lowered it in surprise.

"Quinn?" Rachel said perplexedly.

She stepped forward to greet her with a kiss, but stopped when she was hit with an unpleasant smell.

„What's that smell?" she asked and frowned. "Quinn, have you been drinking?"

"Could be," Quinn shrugged. She let go of Rachel's wrist and looked around. "Can we go somewhere and talk? I have a few things to ask you."

Rachel nodded and the wrinkles on her forehead deepened. What did Quinn want to ask her all of sudden? And more importantly, why had she been drinking in the middle of the day? Rachel considered whether she should start scolding the blonde, but she decided it might be better to wait until she had heard Quinn out.

Rachel took Quinn's hand and dragged her along the street until they reached a small oasis of green surrounded by high-rise buildings. They sat down on one of the graffiti-clad benches and before Rachel could ask Quinn about what had happened, a brown cocker spaniel came running towards them, curiously smelling their legs and wagging it's short tail in excitement.

Rachel giggled, but when she noticed Quinn's sinister expression she shooed the dog away.

"Quinn, what happened?" she asked in concern.

Quinn seemed to hesitate for a moment before she asked, "Have you ever lied to me?"

Rachel titled her head. "What do you mean?"

"Just answer the question. Please," Quinn said, her tone more pleading than angry.

Rachel's eyes fell on the coffee stain on Quinn's shirt. The blonde must've come in a hurry. She gripped the piece of wood she was sitting on, hoping to get some security from it. There had been some occasions she had lied to Quinn. But the biggest lie must've been the one she had told her during their first encounter after high school.

Rachel's mouth went dry as her thoughts started spinning. Had Quinn somehow found out about it? But that couldn't be. She glanced at the blonde. Hazel eyes filled with doubt and confusion were looking back at her.

Rachel sighed upon realizing Quinn must know something. That would also explain but not excuse her flight into alcohol.

"Yes, I did," Rachel said, making every effort to let her voice sound as steady as possible.

"I didn't have a boyfriend back then."

She looked back up at Quinn whose eyes were filled with tears. Rachel scooted closer to her, but Quinn immediately backed away.

"Why?" she asked, the hurt in her voice piercing through Rachel's heart.

"It's hard to explain," Rachel sighed.

"Then try at least," Quinn demanded.

Rachel tilted her head and looked up at the green leaves that build a natural ceiling above them. Only here and there a few pieces of blue were peeking through and the branches lazily swayed in the wind. The picture couldn't be any more different from Rachel's inner condition.

"What I'm about to tell you now is something I've never told anybody, b-because," Rachel stopped to take a deep breath, "because I was too ashamed of myself."

Rachel remained quiet for a few moments until she continued, "It all started when I got into NYADA. When I entered school I thought I could achieve anything. I was convinced I'd be the most outstanding student ever to have graced its halls. Turned out I was terribly wrong." Rachel let out a bitter laugh.

She glanced at Quinn, who was using her flip flops to draw patterns in the dirt beneath their feet. Her eyes were focused on the floor, but she appeared to be listening intently.

Rachel closed her eyes as she dug out the old memories she had never wanted to relive again.

"Many students were actually better than me. At first I tried not to let it get to me, but I started doubting myself. One day, it was during an important examination, I forgot the lyrics to a song I thought I knew by heart. Then, only shortly after, one of my teachers told me there were too many flaws in my technique."

"People started saying things like it's only due to good luck I got into NYADA at all. Some of them even accused me of having an affair with one of the professors, because he gave me a better grade than usual. Students of the fine arts like their rumors and drama. I guess you already know that."

Quinn nodded slightly, her eyes still glued to the ground.

"I started questioning myself more and more. Maybe they were right, maybe I had more luck than actual talent. So I tried everything in order improve myself. I studied technique, I took extra classes, but I didn't get the acknowledgement I craved for. I felt out of place at school. I felt like I didn't deserve to be there, like I had cheated to get myself in there. I felt like- like-"

"Like a fraud?" Quinn finished Rachel's sentence.

Rachel nodded slowly. "Yes. Kind of."

Quinn finally looked at Rachel, her bottom lip in between her teeth.

"I don't understand how that relates to you lying to me, though."

Rachel shifted on the bench, bringing herself closer to Quinn. This time she didn't back off, but maybe that was due to the fact she was already near the edge.

"You know my biggest dream has always been to be on Broadway. So when I realized my talent was simply insufficient, I considered other means of getting there." Rachel kneaded her hands in her lap as nervousness and shame overcame her.

"Other means?"

Rachel sighed, "I'm ashamed to admit it, but I considered getting involved with influential people, so they would help me get famous."

"You mean sexually?" Quinn asked, a trace of shock in her voice.

Rachel's heart sank. She had always dreaded this moment, because she knew people were going to judge her. Maybe Quinn would be disgusted with her and that thought alone was enough to send tears into her eyes. Her hands started shaking when she continued speaking.

"There was actually one musical director who found an interest in me. We went on dates a couple of times but it was awful. I felt miserable." A tear was making its way down her cheek as she thought back to those days.

"Then I went back to Lima and saw you again, Quinn. I couldn't tell you I was single. Because even though technically I was, I had become this pathetic person trying to get famous at all cost. I felt like I didn't deserve you." A tear ran down Rachel's cheek, but she wiped it away quickly. "I couldn't tell you the truth and give you hopes, because I thought I could never be the person you deserved."

Even though it cost her a lot of effort, Rachel managed to look up at Quinn. The expression on her face was a mixture of disappointment and concern.

"So did you sleep with him?"

Rachel hesitated for a second before she slowly nodded. "Yes. Before I met you again. But the day I got back from Lima I ended it and I decided to become famous the old-fashioned way."

"I see," Quinn said quietly.

"I'm so sorry, Quinn," Rachel added not knowing what else to say.

They fell silent for a while. Both had shoved their hands under their thighs and their eyes were focused on their feet.

"Do you think I'm pathetic?" Rachel asked eventually, not sure whether she really wanted to hear an answer from Quinn.

Quinn looked up, her eyes were clearer again, indicating that she was returning to a sober state. Rachel felt as if she was being x-rayed. Quinn dug in her pocket and pulled out a cigarette. Rachel watched her lighting it and taking a drag.

"Smoking kills, you know?"

"Love kills too," Quinn replied.

Rachel had nothing to contest to that.

"I don't think your pathetic, Rach," Quinn said as her eyes followed the smoke rising into the air.

"Really?"

"I admit that your lie hurt me a lot back then. I had a hard time after you kissed me and just left me standing there like a complete fool."

Rachel lowered her head in shame. "I'm sorry." She felt stupid for not being able to say anything else than that.

"What I don't understand," Quinn continued, ignoring Rachel's remark, "why did you let those people get to you? You weren't like that in high school. You always knew that you are better than others. That you'd make it big."

"High school was different," Rachel replied after pondering for a moment. "The people who used to bring me down became my friends." She smiled as she watched Quinn take another drag from her cigarette. "One of them even confessed their feelings to me."

A tiny smile appeared around Quinn's lips and this time it was her who shifted a little closer towards Rachel.

"But people in NYADA don't want to be your friend. I thought I'd be mentally stronger and I assumed high school had me prepared for what's to come but turns out high school had actually worn me out. There just wasn't much strength left when I entered college."

Rachel felt Quinn's arm being slung around her shoulders and before she could realize it she had started crying. Quinn's embrace tightened as she held her on the bench in the middle of the tiny park. No one but a small dog heard the blonde whisper: "I love you, no matter what" into the brunette's ear.


	19. Chapter 19

"Rachel?" Quinn asked a couple of days later while she watched the brunette preparing the vanilla milkshake she had just ordered at the cafe.

"Yes?" Rachel replied, her eyes focused on pouring milk into a huge glass cup.

"How long has it been since you last sung?"

Rachel halted the procedure and placed the milk carton on the counter. She looked at Quinn and pondered over the question for a second.

"Uhm," she began, trying to win some time. Of course she remembered the time she had basically stopped singing altogether. It had happened when she auditioned for the off-Broadway show that guy had been directing. That damned guy who promised to bring her stardom and who had destroyed it all in just a second. The mere memory made her clench her teeth.

"Rachel?" Quinn asked again.

"Oh sorry," Rachel replied. Only now she realized she had spaced out right in front of her girlfriend.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Quinn said and reached out to place her hand on Rachel's. "It's just that since we met again, I haven't heard you sing even once. And you know I really love to hear you sing."

"You do?" Rachel asked. "You never told me."

"Didn't you notice me swooning during Glee club whenever you were on stage?" Quinn laughed. "I even snuck into the auditorium from time to time just to listen to you practice."

Rachel smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. Thinking about Quinn listening to her singing reminded her of what she had lost. Her dream of becoming a star. Or becoming Rachel Berry as Quinn had expressed it.

"I haven't sung since last year," Rachel confessed and pulled back her hand from under Quinn’s. She grabbed the milk and guided it towards the glass, but didn’t pour any into it.

"Since last year?" Quinn said visibly surprised.

Rachel nodded and finally filled up the glass with the white liquid.

"Not even under the shower or in the car?"

"Nowhere," Rachel sighed as she opened the freezer and pulled out a container of vanilla ice cream.

She glanced at Quinn, who wore a concerned expression on her face. The blonde remained quiet for a while. It seemed as if she had to think about what to say or ask next. To Rachel, it wasn't big news, but she could imagine that this revelation must come as a shock for Quinn.

"What happened?" Quinn asked after Rachel had finished preparing her drink and placed it in front of her.

Rachel sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. "It's kind of a long story."

"Then tell me. I'm here to listen." Quinn reached out for Rachel's hand again and this time she didn't pull away.

"A new customer might come in any minute," Rachel remarked.

"I’ll wait until they’re gone," Quinn insisted.

"You're stubborn," Rachel teased.

"You are," Quinn retorted before she squeezed Rachel's hand and looked her in the eyes. "I just want to understand you. Please give me the chance to do so, will you?"

Rachel knew she had to be honest with Quinn. She shouldn’t lie to her anymore, especially since Quinn had already forgiven her the last lie. They hadn’t talked about it in too much detail, because the memories still made her uncomfortable, but the knowledge that Quinn didn’t judge her, made it so much easier to open up to her.

“Okay, I’ll tell you,” she finally agreed. “When I ended things with the guy I sort of dated to get a role on Broadway, it wasn’t the last time I saw him. I met him again last summer when I decided to go to one more audition after I had already failed a couple of times.”

“He wasn’t the main producer of the play, but one of the jury members. But I didn’t know about him being involved, so I was terribly shocked when I saw him sitting there in front of me. Since I had failed all of the previous auditions, I was already beyond nervous, but having him there made it even worse.”

“But why? You never dated him properly, did you?” Quinn remarked. “And you ended things with him years ago.”

“Quinn, you as a movie composer should know how people in the industry are,” Rachel said and looked down on Quinn’s thump rubbing her hand. “Excuse my choice of words, but I have to say that these people get pissed incredibly easily and once they harbor a certain dislike against someone, they will try everything to bring them down.”

Quinn nodded slowly and the expression on her face grew more concerned.

“Anyways, I had prepared an interpretation of ‘Tonight’ from ‘Westside Story’, a song I had thought I had perfected. But when I started singing-” Rachel suddenly stopped as a lump was forming in her throat caused by the feelings the memories were bringing back.

“Rachel, are you okay?” Quinn asked in concern.

Rachel nodded and tried to compose herself. Just as she was ready to continue, a new customer arrived at the cafe, requiring her attention. It was difficult to concentrate on preparing the cafe mocha and even more difficult to smile and put on her customer service voice. But it didn’t matter how she felt, she had to be professional since this job was the only thing she got right at this point in her life. Except for Quinn of course.

“What happened when you started singing?” Quinn asked after she had made sure the customer wasn’t in earshot anymore.

Rachel took a deep breath and focused on a spot somewhere in the background as she once again recalled the situation. “I made a small mistake. It was just a respiration issue, something only an expert would now, but in that moment, I was sure that they all were going to judge me, that they were hating me and that they would see this as a proof of my incapability. Therefore, I got even more nervous and I happened to look at Daniel. He was smiling, but it was more like an evil grin and I was certain he would spread rumors about me just so he could prevent my success, which to be honest, I had already almost given up on at that point.”

Rachel took another deep breath before she continued. “In that moment I felt like I wouldn’t stand any chance anyways. That all I had done so far had just been for nothing and that I probably just wasn’t good enough to make it. And then I just stopped singing,” Rachel shrugged and continued preparing the milkshake.

“In the middle of the audition?” Quinn asked.

Rachel nodded. “Yes, I closed my mouth and walked out. Actually, I wanted to do a storm-out like a diva, but I couldn’t manage to do so.” She curved her lips into a bitter smile when she thought of her pitiful attempt to give the situation some sense of elegance or classiness. “And that’s the last time I sang.”

“That’s the last time you sang?” Quinn asked as if she hadn’t understood what Rachel had just explained. “Just like that?”

“It wasn’t just like that,” Rachel defended herself. “I couldn’t take it anymore. The failures, the feeling of not being good enough, my dream drifting farther and farther away from me.”

“Rachel, everyone fails several times in their lives!” Quinn exclaimed. “Singing and being on stage has always been your dream. It’s your passion. How could you give up on it so easily?”

Rachel’s breathing picked up as annoyance started taking over her feelings. Why wouldn’t Quinn understand? She simply wasn’t good enough. Maybe she didn’t deserve to be on stage. Why couldn’t Quinn see it when it was nothing but crystal clear to herself?

“Just because it was my dream doesn’t mean I have to follow it until I die trying,” Rachel said, trying to remain calm.

“But you always went for your dreams no matter how many obstacles there were,” Quinn insisted.

“Maybe I got tired of only ever facing obstacles,” Rachel pulled out her hand from under Quinn’s once again and stepped back.

Quinn mustered her with an expression of pity and sadness, but as much as Rachel loved her, she couldn’t stand the look in her eyes. She didn’t want to be pitied, she just wanted to be left in peace about the issue.

“The Rachel I knew in high school would never have said that,” Quinn eventually reasoned, not knowing what her remark evoked in Rachel. The brunette didn’t care that there were customers around them. All she cared about was that Quinn - again - had said one of the most hurtful things she could’ve said.

“How many times did I tell you that I am not high school Rachel anymore!?” she raised her voice as anger overtook her. “I changed and so have my dreams! Why can’t you accept it, Quinn!?” The few customers in the cafe turned their heads and stared at her, but Rachel ignored them.

“Oh okay, so your dream is working part-time in a cafe while living with a homophobic racist grandma, who doesn’t even know who you really are!? That’s your dream?!” Quinn retorted, obviously equally angry.

“Yes, maybe it is!”

“Well, then congrats for achieving it,” Quinn replied before she took her bag and stormed out of the cafe. And even though Rachel was fuming, she couldn’t help but admit that it had been the kind of storm-off she had wanted to do the day she had stopped singing.

She closed her eyes and took a couple of deep breaths, until the sound of the bell indicated the arrival of a new customer. For a moment she hoped it would be Quinn, but when she opened her eyes a young man with glasses was looking back at her.

“Hi,” she said in her fake-friendly voice “What would you like to order?”

XVXVX

Quinn was staring at the piano keys, but she didn’t press any of them. She had remained in that exact position for the past thirty minutes, raising her hands several times in an attempt to play, but every time they ended up in her lap again. She had to come up with a main theme for an indie romance movie OST and had hoped to gain some inspiration by just playing a few sequences, but nothing came to her mind.

When her phone suddenly buzzed, Quinn flinched. She grabbed it from the top of the piano and checked the screen. Her heart sank when she saw that it was just an email reminding her to send some files to the production team for her next project. She rubbed her face and sighed. She had hoped the message would be from Rachel. Their fight had happened only twenty fourtwenty-four hours ago, but it felt much longer.

Maybe she should reach out to Rachel first. But she had no idea what to say. She still didn’t understand why Rachel had gotten so angry about her remarks. Then she remembered Kurt’s advice. That being with Rachel would end in hurting her. Quinn was used to being hurt, but she didn’t want to keep hurting. All she wanted was to be happy. At peace. She had thought dating Rachel would somehow resolve all the hurt and bring her the happiness and contentedness she had been longing for, but it obviously wasn’t the case. Yet, she knew couldn’t give up too easily. Maybe it was just the last stretch of a marathon. The part that hurt the most before it all would be over.

Quinn shut the lid of the piano and got up from the chair. She went into the kitchen, opened the fridge and mustered the sparse selection of groceries. A bottle of water, an open bottle of wine and some cheese. She took out the cheese whose expiration date had passed already, but she figured it’d be fine. Then she took out the bottle of wine and walked towards the balcony. She settled in her usual position and watched the sky’s last shades of orange fade into dark blue.

A look at the opposing window showed her that the couple who always fought was embracing and kissing. Quinn wrinkled her nose. Why today of all days they had to be all lovey-dovey in front of her?

She pulled out her phone and looked at Rachel’s messenger profile picture which showed her posing on top of the empire state building. It was an old picture and she hadn’t changed it since 2014. As Quinn wondered once more what exactly went wrong in their conversation and what the rationale of Rachel’s arguments had been, a thought entered her mind. Maybe she wasn’t thinking rational. Maybe some things seemed different to Rachel than they did to her. Bigger, scarier and more logical in a twisted way. Maybe there were some deeper issues she hadn’t been able to see yet?

Quinn wondered whether she’d be ever able to fully understand what was going on in Rachel’s head. And whether she’d be able to help her somehow. She couldn’t come to a conclusion, so she drank some of the sweet red wine as she sat with her knees pulled to her chest.

Her phone buzzed again and to her surprise, this time it really was a message from Rachel.

‘I’m in front of your house. Can you let me in?’

Quinn jumped up from the chair and hurried towards her front door. She could’ve pressed the door opener, but instead she jogged down the stairs and into the hallway.

When she opened the door, she found Rachel wearing a striped crop top and a skirt, which looked so cute on her, her heart fluttered. She wanted nothing more than to step forward and hug the smaller women, but she restrained herself. “Hi,” she said.

“Hi,” Rachel replied quietly.

“How did you know I’m home?”

“Aren’t you usually?”

Good point. Since Lola had moved out, she had been at home more or less all the time. She decided not to answer and just raised her eyebrows.

Rachel held up a plastic bag. “I brought salad and cookies from the cafe. Would you like to have dinner with me?”

Quinn pressed her lips together and hesitated, but eventually, she nodded. “Come in.”

They walked up the stairs in an awkward silence. Quinn wasn’t sure why Rachel suddenly had showed up at her doorstep as if nothing had happened.

She led the brunette out onto the balcony and placed a second foldable chair next to the small table. Rachel’s gaze drifted over the wine bottle and the almost emptied glass, but she refrained from commenting on it.

“Quinn, I came to apologize,” she whispered after a few moments.

Quinn crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against the wall. They were still standing, neither of them feeling comfortable enough to sit down.

Rachel glanced at Quinn, clearly having a hard time putting her emotions into words. “I overreacted.”

“You did,” Quinn finally said. She wanted to keep being angry, but seeing Rachel looking at her like that, all confused and somewhat forlorn on her small balcony, made her resolution crumble and her features soften. Quinn gulped, suddenly overwhelmed with a strange mixture of sadness and love. “What did I do wrong, Rachel? I just don’t understand.”

The brunette stepped forward and grabbed the back of the chair, curling her fingers around it until her knuckles protruded from her skin. “I don’t understand myself sometimes,” she admitted. “I-” she began and stopped again to gain some time to think. “I just feel like you love a version of myself that doesn’t exist anymore. But I changed and this is me now. That’s why it hurts when you compare me to someone I used to be.” She pulled up her nose and her voice cracked. “It-it feels like you don’t love me the way I am now.” She let go of the chair and hid her face behind her hands, as tears were running down her cheeks.

Quinn didn’t hesitate and stepped forward, wrapping her arms around the brunette and pulling her close. She, too, felt tears burning in her eyes, as she felt Rachel’s wet cheeks against her collar bone. “I’m so sorry, Rachel,” she said. “I didn’t want to make you feel like that.”

Rachel pulled back a little and looked up at Quinn. “Can you really love me the way I am?”

Quinn remained silent for a moment and looked into Rachel’s eyes. The fear and insecurity that greeted her made her heart clench. “I can and I do,” she said softly. “If you don’t want to be a singer, it’s fine. You can be whatever you want. I’ll always support you and love you, okay?”

Rachel nodded. “It’s just that it seems you’re not really happy right now,” Quinn continued. “All I want, is to see you happy. I love you Rachel, and when you’re unhappy, I can feel it.”

“I’m sorry,” Rachel whispered and pulled Quinn closer again, resting her head against Quinn’s neck.

“You don’t have to be sorry for that,” Quinn replied. They hugged in silence, but this time it wasn’t an uncomfortable one.

“Will you sing something for me?” Quinn asked after a while. “I’ll play the piano.”

Rachel didn’t reply and Quinn thought she’d just ignore the request, but she eventually nodded. “Okay.”

“I just want to hear you sing,” Quinn explained.

“Because you love my voice,” Rachel stated while she wiped over her eyes.

Quinn smiled. “I shouldn’t have confessed that.”

“I’m always going to remind you of it,” Rachel replied and finally smiled for the first time since she had arrived.

Quinn chose not to react to her teasing and instead leaned down and pressed a kiss on Rachel's lips. "I'm sorry I made you doubt my love for you," she said afterwards and stroked a strand of hair behind Rachel's ear.

"I'm sorry for starting a fight," Rachel replied and before the smile on her face could disappear Quinn pulled her from the balcony into the music room. She sat down on the piano chair and patted the space next to her, indicating to Rachel for her to sit down.

"So what do you want me to sing for you?" Rachel asked, her eyes containing the doubt she felt at the thought of singing again. "Nothing difficult please. I'm not even sure whether I can hold a note for more than three seconds," she added with a nervous laugh.

"Don't worry, I'll back you up," Quinn assured and started to play the first couple of chords because she knew Rachel would recognize the song right away.

"I want to know what love is?" Rachel asked and Quinn nodded as she proceeded to sing the first lines, never averting her eyes from Rachel's. Slowly, as her voice filled the space between them, she noticed the insecurity disappearing in Rachel's eyes.

With a gesture of her head, Quinn indicated to Rachel that it was her turn to sing.

She had heard Rachel's voice more than she could count. But she still wasn't prepared for the invisible beauty her voice created. It filled not only the room, but also Quinn’s heart with passion and happiness and for a second, she almost forgot how to play the right chords.

Quinn smiled and so did Rachel, whose tentative voice got bolder and more powerful with every word. Quinn joined in for some harmonies here and there. It was the first time since junior year they were singing a duet together and somehow she felt like this seventeen-year-old girl again. Afraid of basically everything, especially of her feelings for Rachel.

When the song ended, Quinn folded her hands in her lap and looked at Rachel who was giving her a flashing smile. "Thank you," she said quietly.

"You were amazing," Quinn replied.

Rachel scooted closer and pulled her into a hug which somehow turned into an intense make-out session until they were interrupted by Quinn’s grumbling stomach.

"Okay, time to eat," Rachel said. "I bet you barely ate anything again. "

"But I want to kiss you more," Quinn pouted.

"You can have kisses for dessert," Rachel winked before she got up and walked out onto the balcony again.

“Hopefully more than just kisses,” Quinn mumbled to herself and followed her girlfriend outside.

Rachel unwrapped the salads and cookies she had brought from the cafe while Quinn lit a couple of tea candles she had stored in a small box on the foldable table, but had been never used.

While they were eating, Quinn’s eyes wandered over towards the now dark window opposite from her balcony.

“Is there something worth looking at?” Rachel asked while she pinched a piece of tomato onto her fork. “Your eyes should only be on me!” she pouted but Quinn knew she was only joking. At least mostly.

“No, it’s just that I’m usually alone out here. Sometimes I can see a couple behind one of the windows and it somehow became my habit watching them,” Quinn explained. “Wow, I sound like I’m some crazy psycho stalker, don’t I?” she added.

“No, it sounds like Mrs. Green who likes to observe our neighbors with binoculars,” Rachel stated.

“Uhg,” Quinn shuddered. “I became one of those old ladies whose sole pleasure it is to observe their neighbors and talk shit about them behind their backs?”

Rachel laughed as she leant back into her chair. “So what does that couple usually do?” Her eyes widened slightly as she thought about it for a moment, before she blurted out: “Don’t tell me you’re watching them engaging in the act of love! You’re not, are you?”

Quinn laughed and waved her off. “No, of course not.” Her expression got more serious as she added: “Usually, they just argue.”

“About what?” Rachel asked.

“How would I know? I cannot hear them.”

“What if we become like them too?” Rachel asked quietly.

“Always arguing?” Quinn asked.

Rachel nodded while she pierced a piece of cucumber with her fork.

“We won’t,” Quinn replied trying to make it sound determined.

“How can you be so sure?” Rachel asked and looked at her.

Quinn wasn’t sure. She couldn't be. After all, they had just fought just yesterday. And she was sure there would be more fights. She kept quiet for a couple of seconds while her eyes found the dark window again. Only know she noticed the bouquet of flowers behind the pane, but due to the darkness she couldn’t make out what kind of flowers it consisted of. Maybe the guy had brought them for his girlfriend or wife or whatever they were.

“Today they didn’t argue. They hugged,” Quinn eventually replied. “Let’s just make sure that there’s more hugging than fighting in our relationship, okay?”

“Okay,” Rachel nodded. It seemed like she wanted to say more, but in the end she just continued to pierce various kinds of vegetables without bringing any to her mouth.

“There is something I’d like to show you,” Quinn said after a while of silence.

“Really? What is it?” Rachel looked up and gave her a questioning look.

“Promise me you won’t be mad,” Quinn said as she pulled her phone out of her pocket. She unlocked it and searched for the picture she wanted to show Rachel.

“Why would I be mad?” Rachel asked.

“Just promise me. Please.” Quinn reached out and took Rachel’s hand in hers while her eyes locked with Rachel’s.

"Okay, I promise."

Quinn kept her eyes on Rachel's as she placed the phone on the table and slowly pushed it towards the brunette. Rachel looked down on the screen and Quinn held her breath, while she waited for a reaction.

"Why are you showing me this?" Rachel asked eventually. She didn't seem angry, but Quinn didn't want to be too sure about it yet.

"I just thought you might be interested in going," Quinn replied. Almost unintentionally, her fingers found the pack of cigarettes on the table. "It is just something I stumbled upon a while ago. I thought you'd be up for it, but after what I heard today, I'm not sure anymore. Still, I didn't want to keep it from you."

"It's only one month away," Rachel stated as she lowered her head to get a closer look at the screenshot.

"Yes, but after listening to your performance today, I doubt you need more than a couple of days to prepare," Quinn smiled encouragingly.

"I don’t know. I'm not sure if I'm ready to go to an audition again," Rachel admitted. Quinn noticed the disapproval in her eyes, but she was almost certain it was directed at the now lit cigarette in her hand rather than her audacity of bringing up the topic of auditions again.

"Even if you're not, there is no harm in trying," Quinn replied. "And the role sounds like it is made for you."

"You mean because they search for someone dramatic and passionate?"

Quinn nodded. "Sounds just like you, doesn’t it?"

Rachel remained silent while she looked at Quinn’s phone again. Deep lines were forming on her forehead and Quinn imagined the wheels turning inside her head.

"Look, you don't have to go, if you don't want to," she said when the silence was starting to become unbearable. "It’s just an interesting audition I wanted to tell you about."

Rachel looked up at Quinn, a slight smile playing around her lips.

"I'll think about it."

“That’s all I wanted to hear,” Quinn smiled


	20. Chapter 20

"One Summer Night in Santiago - The Musical: Open Auditions for the part of Augusta Roman"

It felt as if the bright yellow letters were burning themselves into Rachel's eyeballs. She stared at the official audition poster for the millionth time as if she could still find some new information written between the lines and images.

There were only two hours left until she'd be standing in front of a jury again. Thinking about it, she felt horror creeping up from her toes towards her heart and she quickly turned off the phone screen. She stood up from her bed and walked around the room, checking her appearance in the mirror one last time and rummaging through her bag to make sure she packed everything she needed. Just when she was about to leave, she realized she just needed to practice one last time. Maybe it would help reduce her anxiety.

However, when she checked her phone for the time she figured there would be no time left for practicing. Therefore, even though she felt like vomiting any second, she grabbed her bag, put on her sunglasses and walked out of her room.

"Rachel, dear, I wish you all the best for your audition," Mrs. Green said. She was just walking out of the kitchen with a mug of tea in her hand.

"Thank you very much," Rachel replied politely. She had been practicing almost non-stop these past two weeks, but Mrs. Green had never complained about the noise. Maybe she had just taken out her hearing aid as she did when the old lady in the apartment above was listening to classical music concerts in a deafening volume.

"And if it doesn't work out, don't worry. I can introduce you to my friend Howard. He used to be an executive on Broadway a while ago. I'm sure he'd be willing to help you," Mrs. Green continued while she scuffed past Rachel and settled into her green armchair.

"That'd be great," Rachel replied, but at the same time she remembered that Mrs. Green had told her about the death of her friend Howard only a couple of weeks ago. She shot the old lady a suspicious glance, but before she could seriously start wondering whether the elder woman really ever be able to help her in any way, the buzzing of her phone distracted her.

"I'm downstairs."

"Bye," Rachel said and hurried to leave the apartment.

"I can't believe I'm taking you to an audition," Kurt greeted her when she stepped outside the building. "What exactly did Quinn do to get you to do it?"

Rachel smiled and linked their arms before they started walking down the street. "She's just Quinn," she replied as if it would explain everything, which in fact it did.

"Wow, so being just Kurt wasn't good enough for you?" Kurt asked with acted indignation.

Rachel slapped his arm playfully and smiled. "I don't know how to explain it. I just want to try it. For her or maybe for us," she replied. "She always believes in me and I should try my best, right? That's the least I can do to thank her."

Kurt regarded her with a long look, but he didn't say anything. Knowing him very well, Rachel could sense he was thinking about her words. Yet, she didn't bother inquiring about his opinion, because she was too occupied controlling her nervousness.

When they approached the small theatre after thirty minutes of walking, they saw Quinn leaning against a brick wall next to the front door. She was holding a cigarette and looked up at the sky, making Rachel wonder what she was thinking about.

"Seriously if she doesn't stop smoking, she'll die sometime soon," Kurt stated dryly.

"Don't jinx it!," Rachel reprimanded, even though she had to admit that he was probably right.

When the blonde saw the two friends approaching, she threw the cigarette on the ground and hurried towards them.

"I'm so proud of you, Rach," she whispered when she pulled Rachel into a hug and squeezed her body lightly. "No matter the outcome. Doing this is very brave of you."

"I'm not sure whether brave is the right word to use, but I'll take it," Rachel smiled, trying to hide her rising nervousness. It felt as if she was watching a tsunami rolling towards her without the possibility of running. If only she could turn around and run far, far away. But she couldn't do this to Quinn. She had to show her that she was trying her best.

"Thanks for your support Kurt," Quinn said and briefly touched his arm.

Kurt just smiled and buried his hands in his pockets, which was unusual for him. Rachel figured he must be nervous too.

They walked towards the entrance of the theatre and every step felt like a mile of running to Rachel. She was glad that Quinn was the one to open the heavy blue doors, otherwise she might have stood in front of them without ever entering.

Behind the doors a long corridor awaited them and Rachel heard Kurt gasping when they saw the long line of women coming from a far away door.

"I thought this was an off-Broadway show," Kurt whispered, but he was being loud enough for people to turn their heads towards the new arrivals.

"It is," Rachel replied, her voice trembling as she glanced in all directions.

Before they could continue talking, a young woman with a notepad walked towards them. "Are you here for the part of Augusta Roman?"

Rachel nodded, her throat too dry to form any sounds.

"Wonderful. Could you please fill out the audition form and sign here?" The woman instructed and handed Rachel the notepad.

Rachel gulped and reached for the notepad and the attached pen while she tried to keep her hands from shaking. She could feel Quinn's eyes on her, but she didn't dare to look up and meet her gaze. She knew the blonde was looking at her in concern, which didn't help her calm down at all.

She quickly filled out the form and handed it back to the young woman. "Your name will be called at the assigned time. Your company may watch the auditions from the audience." She pointed towards a door at the end of the corridor and left to greet another new arrival.

Rachel looked around, feeling more scared than she ever had. All she wanted was to run away, but when she felt Quinn's cool hand slide into hers, she started to feel a little better.

"Are you okay?" Quinn asked softly.

'No! I want to go home and never come back!' Rachel wanted to scream, but she knew she shouldn't do that. "More or less," she replied instead and shot a glance towards Kurt, who was tactful enough to take a step away from them to grant them some privacy.

"Are you sure?" Quinn asked and raised an eyebrow.

Rachel looked at her girlfriend and even though she was looking at the most beautiful person she knew, her anxiety was swelling inside her and bound to overflow until it had reached even the most secluded corners in her mind. "No," she croaked, wondering how she'd possibly be able to sing a single note with a voice like that. "What if everyone's better than me?" she asked and glanced around the corridor once more.

Quinn cupped her cheeks and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "Maybe they are. But no matter whether you're the best today or whether you'll end up last, which I'm sure won't happen, I'll love you and I'll be there for you. And that is a privilege only you have." Quinn smiled and placed another kiss on Rachel's nose.

"Do you really think I can do this?" Rachel asked.

"Of course you can," Quinn replied with a nod.

"Girls, sorry to interrupt, but the production assistant is giving me the death glare, so maybe we should move our sweet asses to the audience," Kurt remarked from the side.

"Yeah, okay," Quinn replied before she quickly pulled Rachel into another hug. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too," Rachel responded as she dug her fingers into the fabric of Quinn's shirt. She didn't want to let go. Ever. But Quinn pulled back from the hug way too soon and gave her one last smile. "You got this," she said before she let go of Rachel and turned around.

"Break a leg," Kurt mouthed and followed Quinn towards the end of the corridor.

And then they were gone and Rachel was alone. Except she wasn't. There were at least twenty other women surrounding her, some of them reciting dialogue, other's mouthing the lyrics of the song they were going to perform, and some just standing there motionlessly like herself.

Rachel heard the name of someone being called, and a tall, pale woman went through the door opposite to the one leading towards the audiences. Rachel clutched her purse in front of her chest and wondered whether she should pull out the sheet music and practice once more. However, she couldn't move even so much as a finger. Her body was paralyzed while her thoughts were running in full speed. Her heart was beating so loudly in her ears, it almost drowned the surrounding noises.

"-erry!" she heard a voice calling from the other side of the corridor.

"For the last time! Rachel Berry!" The voice sounded annoyed.

Rachel's heart skipped a beat when she realized that it was her name that was being called. It cost her some willpower to get her legs to move, but in the end she managed to walk past the other auditioners, who were all eyeing her curiously. She wondered how many times her name had been called already.

When she arrived backstage, the production assistant gave her an angry look, but didn't talk to her while she led her through a smaller room and through another door. They stopped at the side of the stage from where Rachel could make out the silhouette of a row of people behind desks discussing about something, probably the person that had auditioned before her.

The woman went away again and Rachel was left by herself. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as the memory of her last audition started to haunt her. How she had failed. How she had been laughed at. The situation seemed so much more devastating and humiliating than before.

"Rachel Berry!" she heard her name being called again. She opened her eyes and slowly walked out onto the stage.

The spot lights were dimmed, but still too bright and too intense for her too feel comfortable. She barely remembered the time when the spotlight had never been bright enough.

Rachel looked at the people lined up in front of her. Three men and two women, all looking at her expectantly. The middle-aged woman in the center had to be the director of the musical.

Rachel squinted and could see Quinn and Kurt sitting a few rows away, but the light made it impossible to make out their expressions. She redirected her focus to the jury and even managed to form a smile.

"Hi, my name is Rachel Berry and today I'm auditioning for the part of Augusta Roman."

"Hi, Rachel," the director said and smiled genuinely, which eased Rachel's overwhelming anxiousness a tiny bit. She held out a sheet of paper. "Could you please act out this scene for us? Scott, who is going to be the main male lead, will be your partner," she nodded towards the young, bearded man sitting at the very left.

Rachel nodded and took the sheet. How could one single sheet of paper feel like the weight of the world? She let her eyes wander over the first line, but everything appeared blurred. She closed her eyes for a second, recalling Quinn's voice saying 'You got this' and opened them again. Finally, the black letters were standing out clearly against the white paper. Rachel took a deep breath and opened her mouth: "Horacio, please understand. Father will never allow our relationship."

"But I want to be with you. Don't leave me like this," the male lead actor read out. His voice was actually pleasing and Rachel started to relax.

The scene went on for about two minutes and when it ended, Rachel felt like she had done quite well. She looked at the five jury members, who were all taking notes, some of them smiling. Maybe she had done better than expected.

"Thank you, Rachel. Now, please perform your song," the director said.

"Today I prepared 'Think of me' from the Broadway classic 'The Phantom of the Opera'," Rachel announced before another production assistant walked on the stage and placed the microphone in front of her.

"Go ahead," the director said.

Rachel shot a look at the pianist and nodded, giving him the signal to start playing. When she heard her cue, she opened her mouth and started singing.

XVXVX

Kurt and Quinn had never been exceptionally close, especially not after graduation. This was mainly due to the fact that they had nothing in common. They had never shared the same taste in fashion, their respective views on Finn had been entirely different - Kurt knew Quinn had always disliked him, even when they were dating - and they had never once performed a duet together. Now, however, for the first time there was something, rather someone, they had in common.

Without even realizing, Kurt had wrapped his hand around Quinn's and she let it happen without any complaints. Even though Kurt was almost as nervous as Rachel, he had managed to keep it under control. From time to time he shot a glance at Quinn, whose eyes didn't leave Rachel even for a second. She barely blinked as she watched the scene with a serious expression, the tension drawing fine lines on her forehead.

Kurt's own anxiety had abided a little when he had seen Rachel doing well during the scrip reading. After witnessing her last couple of auditions during their time at NYADA and the years following their graduation, he had expected worse. He was aware that his way of thinking could be considered harsh, but he had seen too many lacking performances to be anything but realistic. He squeezed Quinn's hand, trying to convene his positive feelings onto her, but it was hard to tell whether she was even noticing the gesture.

When the pianist started playing the first bars and Kurt saw Rachel taking a deep breath, he couldn't help but take a deep breath himself, holding it inside until he heard her singing the first notes.

It was good. He couldn't believe it, but her singing was actually good, maybe more than good even. It sounded so much more than the old Rachel Berry. There was almost no trace of the robotic voice she had adapted a couple of years ago. There were emotions and a decent technique. Yet, he could clearly hear the lack of practice here and there.

Quinn finally awoke from her stupor and leaned over to him. "Is she doing well?" she whispered as of she wasn't sure whether she could trust her ears or not.

Kurt nodded. "She'd doing quite well. No need to worry," he smiled, but Quinn had already redirected her eyes towards the stage. She truly had only eyes for Rachel. Kurt suddenly felt a tiny sting in his heart and wished there'd be someone in his life looking at him like Quinn was looking at Rachel.

When Rachel finished with her song, the jury thanked her and asked her to wait outside until they finished their evaluation.

"What do you think?" Quinn asked as she worried her lower lip. "Does she have a chance to get a call-back?"

Kurt ran his hand through his neatly styled hair and regretted it the next second. 'Damnit,' he thought. Why was he always messing up his hair when being nervous? He met Quinn's questioning eyes and decided to be honest. Quinn Fabray wasn't someone you'd lie to. She'd read you like a book anyways.

"I honestly don't know," he said. "She did so much better than the last times I've heard her perform, but there were some obvious technical issues. I guess, that stems from her long hiatus. I'm not sure whether they-" he moved his head towards the jury members, who seemed to be in the middle of a heated debate, "would be willing to overlook something like that."

Quinn nodded slowly as she processed Kurt's assessment. "I guess, we can only wait," she eventually replied. Kurt noticed her fumbling with a pack of cigarettes and he could tell she wanted nothing more than to calm her nerves with a dose of nicotine.

"You know, Rachel worries about you," he said.

"About me? Why?" Quinn asked in surprise.

"You're smoking too much."

Quinn let the pack of cigarettes disappear in her purse. "She never said anything."

"It's because she respects your personal choices," Kurt said. "She doesn't want you to feel pressured. Everybody knows what happens if you feel too pressured."

"I'm not like that anymore," Quinn replied, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "I don't run away anymore."

"I think you do," Kurt retorted, sounding more serious than he had intended. "Maybe not on your feet. Instead you're slowly killing yourself with this shit." He pulled out the cigarettes from Quinn's purse and held it in front of her face.

"Give that to me," Quinn grumbled and snatched it from his hand. She seemed to be about to start an argument, when the director called Rachel's name to bring her in for the feedback.

"Rachel, thank you very much for auditioning today," the director began. Kurt leaned forward in his seat, more nervous than ever. He couldn't even imagine how Rachel must be feeling right now.

"We liked your recital and it clearly seems you have great talent," the woman continued. "However, there were some candidates that left a deeper impression on us. Therefore I'm sorry to tell you that we won't consider you for callbacks. But don't hesitate to audition again in the future, Rachel. Good luck."

XVXVX

She had failed. Again. Suddenly there was no floor, but only a vast emptiness beneath her feet, threatening to suck her in any second.

The director's voice echoed through her mind, the sound becoming louder and more unbearable with every moment. "You failed," was all she heard, even though she hadn't expressed it like that. Yet, that was what it meant. She failed. She was a failure. She had known it from the start. So why had she even come up here only to be told that she wasn't good enough - again?

Her eyes focussed on the silhouette of Quinn, only barely recognizable against the bright lights. She was sure the blonde was looking at her. Rachel clenched her fists and without a word turned around and walked off the stage. She walked through the door, through the corridor, and through the exit door until she stepped outside into the warm early August afternoon.

Her steps slowed and she stopped a few feet from the entrance. Her shadow was already getting longer and it made her appear bigger than she actually was. 'Another lie,' she thought.

Then she heard the heavy doors opening and steps approached her. "Rach?" she heard Quinn's hesitant voice calling her name. Rachel didn't react but continued to look at her shadow wondering whether it really belonged to her. Maybe it had its own soul. Maybe it hated her like she hated herself in this moment. Maybe it despised being attached to her.

Rachel felt Quinn standing right beside her, but she didn't touch her. From the edge of her eye she could see Kurt taking a few steps back, probably with the intention to give them some privacy.

She could sense Quinn's insecurity and it hurt her that her own girlfriend seemed to be afraid of the way she might react. She wasn't about to explode and scream at her. All she wanted was for Quinn to put her arms around her and tell her that she would be fine. That she loved her no matter what. But she didn't and Rachel didn't ask her to. Wasn't Quinn supposed to know how she felt?

"Rachel, I don't know what to say," Quinn said, her voice sounding weak.

"You don't have to say anything," Rachel replied coolly. "There is nothing to say. I failed. The end."

Quinn remained silent for a second which in Rachel's perception felt like an eternity. "I'm sorry I talked you into this."

Rachel finally turned around and faced her girlfriend. She was beautiful as always. The sun drew soft shadows on her face while letting her hair shine like gold. It was as if she was radiating. But there was a tiredness, maybe even exhaustion in her eyes Rachel hadn't seen before and she couldn't help but wonder whether she was the reason for it.

"I'm sorry," Rachel said. 'For not being the person you want me to be,' she thought.

Then she turned around and walked down the road, her shadow walking beside her. She knew Quinn wouldn't come after her.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

"Why are you letting her go?!" Kurt shouted at a petrified Quinn while he rose his arms in frustration. "Why didn't you console her?"

Quinn swallowed as she tried to sort out her thoughts. Yeah, why didn't she? Why didn't she take that one step forward and hugged Rachel? Why didn't she tell her that everything was going to be okay? That not passing the audition wasn't a big deal? 

Quinn looked at Kurt, meeting his eyes, which were looking back at her full of accusation. "I'm afraid of her reaction," she admitted. "That she's going to give it all up. The music, her dreams and our relationship. That she thinks I talked her into it."

"And you think not trying to talk to her and leaving her all by herself will prevent that?" Kurt asked sarcastically. 

Quinn sighed and looked towards the end of the street where Rachel's silhouette was still visible. She looked so small next to the tall buildings.

"What if she blames me, Kurt? What if she hates me for sending her to this audition?"

Kurt kept silent and mustered her for a while until he eventually nodded. "She might be angry at you. She was angry at me when I tried to talk to her about it and we had quite a fight. But you're different Quinn. She loves you and she trusts you."

"What if she doesn't after this?" Quinn asked as she drove her hand inside her bag and started searching for the pack of cigarettes. 

"Maybe you should talk to her to find out about it?" Kurt raised an eyebrow. "Quinn, I seriously don’t understand your problem. Why don't you go and talk to her? It's not like she is going to rip your head off the second she sees you."

Quinn didn't reply and instead pulled out the pack of cigarettes before she brought her hand to her pocket in order to retrieve her lighter.

"Fuck Quinn!" Kurt shouted, took a step forward and slapped the cigarettes out of her hand.

"What the-" Quinn protested, but Kurt cut her off. "What the fuck is wrong with you?! Go and talk to Rachel right now if you don't want to lose her! And stop smoking, that's not going to get you anywhere except your deathbed!"

Quinn stared at him in shock, unable to move or talk. 

"Go! Now!" Kurt grabbed her shoulders, turned her around and pushed her lightly.

Finally, Quinn understood and she turned her head one last time. "Thank you," she said and Kurt nodded. 

"Good luck."

XVXVX

'Why am I always chasing after Rachel?' QuinnQuinn thought while she sprinted towards the direction she had seen Rachel head towards.'And why is it always my fault?'

She thought she had seen Rachel turn left at the end of the street, but when she approached the spot, a group of people coming out of one of of the smaller theatres in the area slowed her down and when she finally had made her way through the crowd she couldn't see Rachel anywhere. 

"Fuck!" she exclaimed in frustration not caring about the appalled looks a pair of old ladies walking by were giving her. 

Why had she not approached Rachel? What was wrong with her? These questions were torpedoing her mind and her inability to come up with an explanation frustrated her even more  
.   
How could she be so afraid of her reaction? There were lovers after all. Rachel sure wouldn’t hate her for suggesting to try out for an audition. Or had Quinn really pushed her to do it? There more Quinn thought about it, the more it seemed to be the case, even though deep inside she knew that she had never demanded anything from Rachel.

When she rounded then next corner, she finally got a glimpse of the small brunette. This time she wasn’t sitting on the curb. And she wasn’t crying either. Instead, she was looking up at the narrow corridor of blue that was visible between the skyscrapers. Quinn could only see her profile, but it seemed as if her expression was void of any emotion. 

Quinn scurried towards her girlfriend, her heart contracting at the thought of facing her. She didn’t understand herself. She should be wanting nothing more than to console Rachel and motivate her, right? Why was she feeling such a dread all of sudden?

“Rachel?” Quinn asked, having trouble to get the words pass through throat. 

Rachel slowly turned around, her face indeed not showing any sign of emotion until her eyes found Quinn’s and she smiled. Quinn was confused. She had imagined every reaction, yet, smiling had definitely not been one of them.

Before she could say something, someone bumped into her and she noticed they were standing in the middle of the pavement. Quinn glanced around and took Rachel’s hand, pulling them into a narrow side street until they came to a halt in front of a dry cleaning shop that looked like it had been abandoned for a while. 

Quinn was still holding Rachel’s hand, but she could feel that Rachel let it slip out of hers slowly. She looked at the brunette and met the eyes, she had thought she knew so well, but sometimes she wondered whether she was lying to herself. Maybe she didn’t understand anything at all. In that moment, however, she understood. She saw the silent plea flickering through the serene expression like a ray of sunlight through a blanket of dark clouds.   
She tightened her grip around Rachel’s hand, so she couldn’t pull it away. “I’m not letting go,” she said quietly. “Ever.”

Rachel just looked at her and nodded. 

"I am going to hug you now," Quinn announced, mimicking Rachels past demeanor. 

The blonde took a step forward and finally closed the distance between them. Rachel hid her face in Quinn's crook of the neck where Quinn could feel her hot breath against her skin.

They remained silent for a while, ignoring the people passing by. Some of them stared at the two women, but Quinn shot them an angry glare, which made them hurry away.

“Do you want me to take you home?” Quinn asked after a moment. 

“Can we go to your place instead?” Rachel replied.

“Sure.” 

Quinn took the brunette’s hand and led her towards the street. They took a taxi, which was soon stuck in the evening traffic of New York. While the car moved a couple of feet, only to stop again at the next intersection, she kept glancing in Rachel's direction, but the dive had her head turned the other direction. They remained quiet the whole ride, the traffic noise and the occasional suppressed swearing of the driver being the only noises disrupting the silence. 

When they finally arrived in front of Quinn’s apartment, the sun had already set, leaving the place in twilight. Quinn handed the driver a couple of bills before she got out of the car. 

“Do you want to take a walk before we go inside?” Quinn asked, but Rachel only shook her head. 

“Okay,” Quinn bit her lip insecurely. 

She took out her keys and, again in silence, they ascended the stairs and entered the apartment. 

“Do you want me to make you some dinner?” Quinn asked. “I could make a sandwich?”

Rachel shook her head again. Wordlessly, she walked over to the door separating the living room from the balcony and stepped outside. Quinn sighed, before she followed her. 

Rachel had sat down on one of the cheap plastic chairs, her knees pulled to her chest. She was looking at the opposing window, but today, it was dark. Maybe the couple wasn’t at home. 

Quinn placed her bag with her purse and phone on the table before she squatted in front of Rachel. She looked up at her, meeting her tired-looking eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said and stroked a strand of brown hair behind Rachel’s right ear.

Rachel still didn’t say anything, but it seemed as if tears were starting to form in her eyes. 

“I shouldn’t have pushed you to audition,” Quinn continued.

“No,” Rachel said, her voice sounding scratchy and strained. “It’s not your fault. I’m simply not good enough. I never was and I never will be. I don’t know what got into me. I should’ve known.”

“No, you were great!” Quinn protested, but the look in Rachel’s eyes showed her that her words didn’t reach her. Rachel had given up completely after all, and she couldn’t help but think that is was all her fault. Maybe if she had recommended a later audition, or an easier one Rachel might have succeeded. 

Rachel shook her head and looked into Quinn’s eyes. “No, I wasn’t,” she said. 

“But-” Quinn tried to protest once more, but Rachel cut her off.  
“Please stop,” she whispered, yet, her voice echoed in Quinn’s head as if she had screamed.

Quinn gulped and tried to think of something to say, but words had left her. She stretched her legs and looked up into the night sky. It was covered in clouds and she wondered whether it would start raining soon. 

“I’m going to get us a drink,” she eventually said. She placed her hand on Rachel’s shoulder, let it linger for a second and eventually disappeared into the kitchen. She didn’t bother switching on the lights and leaned against the counter, staring into the semi-darkness. For a brief moment she considered calling Kurt, but ultimately decided against it. How could he possibly help her?

If only she knew what to say to Rachel to cheer her up. It felt as if she knew the answer, but it was hidden someplace inside her mind she couldn’t quite reach yet. Maybe a glass of wine would help. 

She took out a bottle of red wine, two glasses and made her way back to the balcony. When she stepped outside, Rachel was on the phone. “Yes, I’ll make sure to tell her. Bye.” Only when she lowered her hand holding the phone, Quinn noticed that it was hers. 

Rachel turned around and met her eyes. "Why didn’t you tell me you got a job offer in L.A.?” she asked with narrowed eyes. 

Fuck. Quinn almost lost her grip on the wine bottle as thoughts were racing through her mind. “I-I already declined it,” she replied. Hastily, she placed the bottle and glasses on the small table and wiped her hands on her jeans. 

“Don’t lie to me. They told me they haven't heard from you yet,” Rachel said. There was anger in her voice, but she still appeared calm.

“I ignored their request. I meant to decline the offer,” Quinn tried to explain, taking a step towards Rachel. However, Rachel, who had gotten up from her chair, took a step backwards. 

“Why didn’t you decline it then?” she asked. 

“Because-” Quinn began, but then she stopped, because she realized she hadn’t have a good reason. 

“I tell you why,” Rachel continued. “You weren’t sure whether you’d continue to be with mewe, were you? You thought you might need this job sooner or later.”

“No!” Quinn ruffled through her hair, trying to remain calm. “I-I was just afraid back then. We were just figuring out our relationship and I thought you might realize you made a mistake and leave.”

A tear run down Rachel’s cheek as she mustered Quinn. She noticed that the window across from them was still dark. 

“You don’t trust me,” Rachel said quietly. “You always think I’ll run away, but in the end you are the one running. Running to California. Away from me.” 

“What?” Quinn couldn’t believe she had heard right. “You were the one who wanted to end our relationship and who is constantly doubting everything! I sometimes don’t even recognize you anymore.”

Rachel remained silent for a moment. She turned her head, focussing on some distant spot and didn’t look at Quinn when she continued speaking, “I’m still me. It just seems you can't understand that.”

“This is not you!” Quinn yelled and Rachel flinched. “The old Rachel would’ve never - never - talked the way you do! She wouldn't have given up on her dream. No, she would’ve stood up again and again, putting all her heart into everything she does!”

“And the old Quinn wouldn’t have drowned all her fears in alcohol and cigarettes, but actually come talk to me about it!” Rachel retorted. 

Quinn clutched her hands around the back of the chair, leaning onto it for support. Her knuckles stood out white against her flesh and as her sight started to blur. She wanted to scream in frustration, but when Rachel's words got through to her all her anger suddenly dissolved and if it hadn't been for the chair she would've collapsed. 

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, not sure whether for her behavior towards Rachel or for becoming the person she had become. She just hoped that her apology would magically resolve the situation.   
“It doesn’t matter anymore,” Rachel said, the look in her eyes hard and serious. 

“Yes it does!” Quinn’s voice was trembling as she tried not to cry. “Remember what we promised? We would give it three months to try. There’s still two weeks left.”

“Well, I guess we’ve reached the expiration date already,” Rachel replied. She took a step towards the door. “Go to LA, Quinn. At least you should realize your dream.”

“Rach,” Quinn cried and reached out to grab her hand. The two women’s eyes met and for a brief moment, Rachel’s eyes softened and a spark of hope entered Quinn’s heart. If only she held on tightly enough. If only she’d never let go of Rachel. 

But the look in Rachel’s eyes got hard again and her hand started slipping out of Quinn’s for the second time today. Quinn felt like they were drifting in a stormy ocean and the currents were shifting them into different directions. She could do nothing but look on as Rachel drifted further and further away from her. And the second their hands separated, the waves were crashing down on Quinn, leaving her to drown. 

Without any goodbye, Rachel turned around and left. And Quinn didn’t go after her.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

The ringing of her pone didn't stop. Yet she left it unanswered for the third time this afternoon. She didn't even check the caller's id, because she knew it was Kurt.

She didn't want to talk to him nor anyone. All she wanted was to lie down, stare at the ceiling and listen to the sounds of silence.

Rachel closed her eyes and tried to blend out the ringing, but it got louder and louder - at least in her imagination- until she couldn't bear it anymore. She picked up the phone from her nightstand in order to turn it off, but in her hurry she hit the green button and suddenly Kurt's accusing voice filled her ears.

"Rachel, why won't you pick up your damn phone? I've been trying to reach you for a week," he said angrily, but when Rachel didn't say anything, the tone in his voice shifted. "I'm sorry. I just worried about you," he explained. "I heard what happened between you and Quinn. Are you okay?"

Rachel closed her eyes and frowned slightly at the mentioning of the blonde. She thought about telling him that everything was okay, but she felt too tired to lie to him.

"I don't know," the brunette replied.

Kurt was silent for a second before he asked: "Do you want me to come over?"

Rachel's grip around her phone tightened as she imagined her best friend sitting next to her. She nodded, not aware that Kurt couldn't see the gesture. But he didn't have to. Somehow he always seemed to know what she needed. "I'll be right there," he said and hung up the phone.

About an hour later, the sound of the doorbell pulled her out of her thoughts.

"What do you want here?" she heard Mrs. Green's muffled voice coming through her door.

"I'm here for Rachel," Kurt answered calmly.

Rachel could almost hear Mrs. Green resting her hands on her hips like she always did when she was about to start an argument.

"This is my house and I told you you are not welcome here unless you change your deviant lifestyle."

Kurt scoffed and Rachel debated with herself whether it was time to step out of her room and save her friend. However, when she heard Kurt speaking again, she froze in place to hear what he was saying.

"This is also Rachel's house, though I am afraid it is definitely not her home if she cannot even have her friend over," Kurt replied.

"Well, young man, are you the one providing her with housing? And helping her with her career?" Mrs. Green asked snapped.

Rachel finally managed to wake up from her stupor and pressed down the handle. When she stepped outside her room she found Mrs. Green standing with her legs apart in front of Kurt, who just in this moment, had his hands thrown over his head to somehow express his anger without breaking something.

"What did you ever do for her?" he retorted. "She has been miserable for a week, but you didn't even notice, did you?"

Rachel noticed a twitching in Mrs. Green's arm, but before she could comprehend what was going on a loud noise sounding like a clap made her flinch. She looked at Kurt who was staring at the old woman in shock, holding his left cheek. A red mark started to tint his face making Rachel finally realize what was going on.

"Stop the violence!" she exclaimed and rushed towards the odd couple standing in the doorway. She hesitated a second when she noticed the threatening look in Mrs. Green's eyes, but eventually she came to a halt next to Kurt and slung her arms around his lower arm.

Her eyes were glued to the floor, she didn't dare to look at the old lady. But she didn't have to in order to know the expression on her face.

"Rachel, do you really want this queer in our house?" Mrs. Green asked, making the word queer sound like an infectious disease.

"Yes," Rachel whispered and nodded, her eyes focusing on a scratch in the laminate, she had caused during her first week living in the apartment. She still remembered the shame she had felt when she had lost hold of the fry pan and it dropped to the floor spilling the vegan fried rice she had prepared. But Mrs. Green had not been angry. She had helped her wipe it all away and smiled at her. Rachel wondered how her unreasonable hate could be so much more powerful than that smile. Why was it okay to ruin the floor while being who you are wasn't? What a strange world they lived in.

"Yes," Rachel repeated and finally rose her head, looking Mrs. Green directly in the eyes. "He is my best friend."

Mrs. Green looked appalled when she said: "I told you he had a bad influence on you! He is planting sinful ideas in your head."

"No," Rachel squeezed Kurt's arm a little tighter. "He is one of the best people I know. And these aberrant ideas you're talking about were there long before." Rachel took a deep breath and when she got ready to continue, she smiled. She smiled like she hadn't in a long time. Absolutely liberated and genuine.

"I am the daughter of two dads. Of two gay dads and I was raised with lots of love in our Jewish family."

Mrs. Green gasped and her hand shot towards her chest.

"No!" she exclaimed.

"Yes!" Rachel nodded and laughed. She must look crazy, but she didn't care. The weight that was lifted off not only her shoulders but also her heart was worth every ordeal.

"And you know what?" She paused a second for the dramatic effect and continued. "I am very gay myself. I am bisexual, queer, gay, or deviant, whatever you want to call it. And you remember Quinn, who came to this house once? She is, I mean was my girlfriend." Her smile disappeared at the thought of Quinn, but her eyes remained fixed on Mrs. Green, whose cheeks were visibly flushed from anger.

"I can't believe you fooled me all this time," she spat out. "After all I have done for you!"

Kurt opened his mouth to speak, but Rachel squeezed his arm to silence him. This was her fight and she was ready for it.

"What did you ever do for me?!" Rachel's voice was almost a screech, full of the realizations that hit her right in that second.

"You made me feel miserable about being myself and you just pretended you'd help me with Broadway. But you made nothing but empty promises," she concluded with bitterness in her voice.

"I am so stupid," she shook her head as the disbelief about her own foolishness took over. She finally realized she had been sitting in a train that had never been moving, yet she had believed she was going somewhere when she looked at the seasons changing through its windows.

"You have ten minutes," Mrs. Green said and glanced at her watch demonstratively.

"For what?" Rachel asked in confusion.

"For getting out of my house and never coming back," the old lady said through gritted teeth.

"You are throwing her out?" Kurt asked, but he didn't look surprised.

"Ten minutes," Mrs. Green repeated, before she turned around and walked into the kitchen.

Rachel turned towards Kurt and lightly touched his cheek. "Are you okay?"

"Doesn't matter now. Let's hurry and talk later, alright?" Kurt replied. He took Rachel's hand and they went inside her room.

They pulled out Rachel's pink suitcase and a new grey one she had bought during her NYADA days when she still had believed she might need lots of suitcases in the future.

"I guess it's a good thing you barely have any possessions," Kurt reasoned after they had packed everything and were ready to leave Rachel's room.

He looked at Rachel who was standing next to him, his hand on the door handle. "Ready?" he asked?

Rachel gulped and took a deep breath. She turned her head and took a last look at her room, that had seemed like a home for the last couple of years. She now knew it had been nothing but a shelter.

"Yes," she eventually said and touched Kurt's arm. "Thank you."

Kurt just looked at her knowingly. He waited another second before he finally pressed the handle and dragged Rachel's suitcases along with him.

They hurried towards the apartment door, neither of them thrilled at the thought of having to talk to Mrs. Green again.

Just when Rachel slipped through the door, Mrs. Green came from the kitchen and mustered her with a spiteful look in her eyes.

"I will make sure you'll never be on Broadway," she spat.

Rachel wasn't someone who used sarcasm, because why not say it nicely, but this time she couldn't help herself. "By asking your dead friends?" she scoffed. "Good luck with that."

Just when she stepped through the door, she turned around and looked at the old lady once more. "I truly wish you'll find happiness one day. I truly wish it," she said softly before she closed the door behind something that had seriously gone wrong in her life.

XVXVX

Quinn had been staring at her phone for over an hour now. During that hour nothing had changed but the bottle of wine which had gone from full to almost empty. Quinn often left a small amount to convince herself she didn't drink the whole thing. She used to do the same with chocolate when she had been a teenager.

She sighed and finally pressed the call button.

She let it ring over ten times and she was just about to shut off her phone altogether when a familiar voice filled her ear.

"This better be urgent Q, you just ruined the best sex me and Britts had in a year," she grumbled, so that it wasn't very hard for Quinn to imagine her friend's death glare while she listened.

"Santana," Quinn just breathed out, burying her forehead in her hand. She closed her eyes and tried to focus, but she had no idea what to say.

"What's wrong? Any particular reason for your call? If you just wanted to hear my sweet voice, your timing is seriously awful."

"I don't know," Quinn replied. Her voice was slightly slurry, but she wasn't sure whether for the alcohol or for the hours she had spent crying over the last days.

"You drunk?" Santana asked.

Quinn pressed her lips together in an attempt to suppress a sob from escaping her throat. "Santana, I messed it all up," she finally managed to pronounce the words which had been taking over and paralyzing her mind for the last days.

Santana was quiet for a couple of seconds. Quinn heard a ruffle and then the sound of a door closing.

"What is it you messed up?" she asked, her voice much softer and caring than before.

"Everything. I messed up everything," Quinn sighed while she ruffled through her hair, which was already standing in all directions.

"Dramatic much," Santana scoffed, but Quinn knew she said it to comfort her.

"Rachel left me," Quinn said.

Santana was quiet for another couple of seconds, before she asked: "What happened?"

So Quinn told her about the audition, their fight and the fact that she hadn't heard from Rachel since then. Her calls and messages had been left unanswered and when she went to the cafe, they told her that Rachel had quit the day before.

"I couldn't give her the stability she needed," Quinn concluded. "I always compared her to the person she was in high school. Of course it made her feel insecure." She took a deep breath. "It is all my fault."

"Bullshit," Santana scoffed. "You always do that Fabray. Blaming yourself for everything so you can be miserable. Stop it, okay? Yeah, maybe you should've be a little more accepting of her, but what did she do? I don't think she wins a prize for best girlfriend of the year either."

Quinn sighed, but she knew Santana was right.

"What should I do now, Santana?" Quinn asked eventually.

"Who do you think I am? The Oracle of Delphi?" Santana replied. "If she doesn't let you talk to her, work on yourself first and show her you're still in this."

"Work on myself, huh?" Quinn said thoughtfully.

"Quinn," Santana began, using her first name for the first time in a long time. "I think you should stop drinking and smoking altogether. It's not good for you."

Quinn's eyes wandered over the almost empty bottle of wine, her pack of cigarettes, her lighter and an unopened pack of cookies which were all lined up neatly on the table.

"Do you think I have a problem?"

"Maybe," Santana admitted. "I haven't been around you much the past couple of years, but I can tell you've changed. I know those kind of things are easy ways to feel a little less miserable for a while, but in the end it's only even worse than before. Go see a therapist, join the AA's or whatever. Just make sure you're accepting yourself first before you're trying to accept Berry, okay?"

Quinn pressed her lips together as she processed Santana's advice. She didn't say anything and Santana didn't dig further. They both knew Quinn needed more time to really think about everything they had talked about today.

"You know you can always talk to me, right?" Santana asked. "Just try avoid calling me when I'm getting it on with Britts."

"You're always getting it on with her," Quinn stated dryly.

"Whatever," Santana replied, faking annoyance.

"I'm sorry I haven't been a good friend to you," Quinn said, her voice croaky from another attempt not to cry.

Santana was silent while Quinn bit her lip to stop it from quivering.

"Apology accepted. Just be a good friend from now on, okay?" she eventually answered.

"Okay. I promise."

"Promises don't mean anything. Just let your actions speak," the Latina said.

"Right," Quinn gulped. "Promises are worthless…"

When Quinn hung up, she stared at the display of her phone for a couple of a minutes without moving. Her thoughts were so complicated, they blurred into a giant mess of strings she'd never be able to entangle.

Her eyes wandered over the table until they stopped at the wine bottle. Its bottom was still covered by the red liquid. It must be a good sip or two, not more than that.

Quinn couldn't help but compare the image to her own life right now. If her life were a bottle this was the amount of sanity she had left.

One moment later the sound of breaking glass cut through the silence, followed by a frustrated scream from Quinn's mouth. Shards and blood-like liquid covered the tiled kitchen floor. Only a second later, she started ripping her cigarettes from the pack, throwing them one by one to the floor, where they drowned in wine.

"Fuck you!" she yelled with every other cigarette she added. "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!"

When the last one had hit the floor, she sank on her knees with her hands crossed over her head.

She tried to cry, but strangely not even one tear left the corner of her eye. It was as if her body was trying to tell her that crying wouldn't get her anywhere.

"Right," she mumbled to herself. "Let's consider this a new beginning."

She reached for her phone and scrolled through her call record. She didn't hesitate to press the green phone button, since she knew she wouldn't go through with it otherwise.

"Hello?" a woman's voice picked up at the other hand.

"This is Quinn Fabray. I wanted to let you know that I am taking the job."


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, thanks for sticking with this story! I'll try to get one more chapter up by the end of this year. Also, this chapter hasn't been beataed yet, so please forgive any mistakes or awkward English. Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 23

November 2019

"Nice to meet you, Mrs. McLay," Rachel greeted the middle aged women, who had walked through the door in order to call her inside.

"Call me Eléna, please," the woman replied and smiled at her. She wore thick glasses and a necklace with big white pearls and her handshake was warm and firm. When Rachel's eyes fell on her argyle sweater, she decided she liked her.

"Come inside," Elena said, holding the door open for her. She gestured towards a mint-colored sofa, which was decorated with grey pillows and a teddy bear. Rachel sat down while Elena positioned herself in an armchair of the same color across from her. She looked over the rim of her glasses right into Rachel's eyes.

"Normally I would ask you to introduce yourself first, but since you send me a file titled-," she took the folder from the table next to her chair and mustered it, "Everything you should know about Rachel Barbara Berry," I guess we can skip that part." She smiled warmly as she placed the file filled with documents back on the table.

"I like to be prepared," Rachel said sheepishly. "I thought you might want to receive some facts about me in advance."

Elena nodded and smiled encouragingly. "That was very considerate of you. So would you mind telling me what brought you here?"

Rachel nodded while she tried to figure out where to start her story.

Six weeks earlier

The sky over New York was as devoid of color as it could be and a cold breeze blew Rachel's hair into her face, letting her know that fall was already on the verge of changing into winter. She walked along a couple of posters advertising the show Kurt was starring in at the moment. She smiled back at his beaming face, feeling grateful he let her stay with her, but at the same time sorry for not being able to find a place of her own.

She sighed and redirected her eyes towards the sky, where a few birds flew so high, they looked like black dots on a window pane made of cloudy glass.

A few minutes later, she passed by the cafe where she had used to work part time. Rachel closed her eyes to prevent herself from taking a glimpse inside. She didn't want to see someone else working in her place. But thinking about some more, she realized her reasoning didn't make any sense. It was her fault she wasn't working there anymore. Nobody asked her to quit. She just didn't want to face Quinn in case she came to visit.

Rachel forced herself to halt her steps and turn her head towards the cafe's broad windows. She took a deep breath and walked towards the entrance.

Without looking left or right she approached the counter and mustered the middle-aged lady welcoming her in the same manner Rachel had perfected weeks ago. Rachel cringed her nose. She was definitely better at this. She was supposed to be in her place.

"I demand to speak to the manager," she said impatiently.

"Is there something wrong with your drink?" the woman asked looking perplexed.

"No, I just want my job back," Rachel replied and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

The woman gave her a disapproving look. "Mr. Dunphy is not here until the day after tomorrow. Now will you order something? You're holding up the line."

Rachel looked around but there was nobody waiting behind her. For a moment she debated for herself whether to insist on meeting the manager, but she didn't feel prepared to throw herself in a full-on diva fight.

"Alright," she said, pulled her coat tighter around her waist and got ready to leave.

"Rachel?" a familiar voice suddenly approached her.

"Lola?" Rachel gasped after she had turned around.

Lola smiled and ran her hand through her hair, which was longer than in Rachel's memory.

"How are you?" Quinn's former roommate asked.

Rachel sighed as she tried to decide what to tell the other woman. She had heard about her actions from Quinn and was convicted Lola hated her, but her tone and her smile seemed genuine.

Lola must've noticed Rachel's indetermination, because she didn't wait for Rachel to reply and said: "I am sorry for everything that happened. I think I am finally over Quinn... at least to some extent." Her smile became insecure for a moment and she appeared to have a hard time meeting Rachel's eyes.

"Well, it doesn't matter now," Rachel replied and her eyes fell to the floor. "Quinn and I are over...I suppose," she added.

Lola remained silent for a couple of moments, before she said: "I know."

"You know?" Rachel asked disbelievingly. "How?"

"Quinn told me." Lola reached for the back of a nearby chair and shifted her weight on one leg. "We met a while ago and talked about everything. I apologized and she forgave me. Maybe we'll be friends again...one day," she shrugged.

"How is she?" Rachel asked, even though she was afraid to hear the answer. If Quinn was doing well, it would mean she was over Rachel already which as selfish as it was would make her upset. However, if she was feeling as miserable as herself, Rachel would be upset as well, because she hated seeing Quinn being miserable. What a complicated world, she thought.

"She's not doing too well," Lola informed her. "She asked me not to disclose any details and I don't want to breach her trust in me again, but there is one thing you should know, Rachel."

"What is it?" Rachel asked as she clung to Lola's every word. When she noticed the serious expression in her eyes, fear started pouring into her heart.

"She is going to California. She took the job like you told her to."

"Oh," Rachel said since she didn't know what else to say. She was petrified; unable to even move or produce a clear thought.

"Do you really want her to go?" Lola asked earnestly. "Are you sure this is how your story is supposed to end?"

The two women looked at each other, not noticing any of their surroundings.

"When is she going?" Rache finally asked.

"Today," Lola replied and looked at her watch. "Her flight goes in less than three hours."

"What? No, no, no...how can I stop her from going?!" Rachel stuttered and dug her hands into her hair. "It's too late, it's too late, isn't it?" she kept repeating to herself while she started walking up and down in front of Lola.

Why was she realizing this only now? She didn't want Quinn to go. Everything she had said had been a huge mistake.

"Stop!" Lola grabbed Rachel by the shoulders, violently bringing her back into reality. "Get in the car," she said and took her purse and jacket.

"Which car?" Rachel asked dumbfoundedly.

"My car, dummy," Lola replied. "Come on, let's do this!" Lola rushed past her and after a moment of hesitation, Rachel turned around and followed her.

"Fucking idiot!" Lola shouted when a red Hyundai cut the line and made her slow down once again. Of course they were stuck in the worst New York traffic, still miles away from the airport. Rachel glanced at the clock and shook her head slightly.

"We're too late."

"No, we can do this!" Lola replied, not taking her eyes off the street for even one second.

"No, look at the time! She boarded already," Rachel shook her head in defeat.

Why did it always work out in the movies?, she wondered. The protagonist always arrived in time. Then they made up with their lover and had their happy ending. Why didn't it work out for her?

"This is all my fault," Rachel said after a while "After all I let her go."

Lola looked at her from the side and didn't say anything. They both knew Rachel was right.

"So this was the moment you decided you needed help?" Eléna asked.

Rachel shook her head. "No there is more." She gave the other woman a sad smile as she remembered the last couple of weeks once again.

"Rachel, you need to see this!" Kurt's voice came through the closed door of the tiny guest room she occupied at his apartment since the day Mrs. Green had thrown her out.

"I don't want to," Rachel groaned and turned around on her bed she hadn't left all Saturday.

She didn't want to see anything, nor hear, taste, smell or feel anything.

She had told Quinn to go to California and she knew she couldn't blame the blonde for actually going through with it. And while she wanted nothing more than go after her and confess her love in front of a bunch of people in a grand romantic gesture all she was able to do was lying in this bed and stare at the ceiling, once in a while going outside and thinking endlessly about all the things she had done wrong.

The sound of the door bursting open pulled her out of her thoughts and before she could even protest, Kurt had picked her up from the bed and placed her on her two feet. His hitting the gym three times a week indeed had payed off.

"Hey," Rachel protested as when was taking her hand and pulled her through the door towards the living room

"Look at this," he said nonchalantly as if he hadn't just forced her inside the room. He pointed at a brown leather-bound book resting on the couch table.

Rachel crossed her arms over her chest trying to loom indignant. "What is this?"

"I found this going through the package my dad sent me last week," Kurt replied. "It's an old photo album I made for Glee club. I meant to give it to Mr. Shue after graduation, but I liked it so much, I decided to keep it for myself."

He chuckled while he bent his knees and settled on the carpet.

"You want to look through this together?"

Rachel hesitated for a moment, torn between her longing to reminisce the old times and her fear to face her old ambitions.

Ultimately, her curiosity about the contents of the album won and she slowly lowered herself to the floor, where she pulled her knees towards her chest as if she was building a wall of protection between her and the album.

"You ready?" Kurt asked and looked at her. Rachel nodded.

"Gosh, I haven't looked at this since high school," Kurt mumbled while he opened the album.

"I never noticed you taking all these photos," Rachel remarked when she saw a picture of herself apparently arguing with Mr. Schuester about something. The handwritten caption underneath read: "Just another day in Glee-club".

"Well, you didn't notice a lot of things in general," Kurt replied. "Look at this," he turned the page and pointed at a photo he had taken at the beginning of their senior year. Rachel leaned forward in order to get a better look at it.

The picture showed her and Quinn standing across from each other in one of McKinley High School's corridors. Quinn was in her cheerios uniform and Rachel was wearing one of her then-favorite dresses. The photo was taken from some distance, but Rachel recognized the scene immediately.

"I didn't mean to spy, I just walked by by chance that day," Kurt explained. "I didn't know about Quinn's feelings for you back then, but now, seeing the way she is looking at you, it is quite obvious, isn't it?"

Rachel barely noticed him speaking, because her lips were forming words on their own. "When you were singing that song...you were singing it to Finn and only Finn...Right?" she mumbled.

"What?" Kurt asked and regarded her in confusion.

"You were singing it to Finn and only Finn. Right?" Rachel repeated. "That's what she asked before she decided to come to my and Finn's wedding. I was too stupid to realize what she meant by that."

"She was making sure there was no way you'd like her back," Kurt concluded. "And then she gave up."

Rachel nodded, but she couldn't take her eyes off the picture. Even though it was taken from down the corridor, she could almost feel Quinn's hesitation and insecurity inside her own body. It must've been very hard for her to hear Rachel's answer to her question.

Rachel gulped as she realized how much she must've hurt Quinn that day. And again on their graduation day. And again not only once but countless times during their brief relationship.

She closed her eyes and when she opened them again they landed on her own figure. She was surprised to see how confident and self-assured she looked. She tilted her head to the side and her breath got stuck in her throat for a second, before she whispered: "That's me."

"Of course this is you," Kurt said, but Rachel shook her head vehemently.

"No. That," she pointed at the photo, "is me. This," she pointed at herself, "isn't me."

She didn't understand where that sudden realization came from, but even if she had known, it wouldn't have changed anything about the way she felt that moment.

Kurt gave her a confused look, but Rachel didn't bother to explain. She just said what came to her mind: "Quinn was right after all. This isn't who I am. I should be singing on a huge stage, longing for success while I feel every note vibrating through my veins." Rachel closed her eyes and furred her brows as the image became so vivid that every detail was right in front of her.

She was being dramatic, she knew that very well. But she loved it. She always loved drama and the sense of being so full of emotion she would be bursting in a thousand pieces if she weren't made of human flesh.

"Kurt," she opened her eyes again and looked at her best friend. "Why am I like this? Where did I go wrong?"

Kurt just looked at her contemplatively for a long moment, before he sighed and placed his hand on Rachel's shoulder.

"I honestly don't know. Maybe you were too ambitious and put too many expectations on yourself. Or maybe the constant bullying from high school ultimately got to you. Rachel, I just know that you belong on stage and I would give anything to help you get back on your feet, but I think it might be time to seek more professional help."

Rachel Held his gaze as she gave him the smallest of nods.

"And that is how I decided to come here," Rachel concluded.

"Well, I am sure you made a wise decision," Eléna smiled. She reached for a small basket on her table and placed it in front of Rachel.

"Chocolate?" she asked and shook the small wrapped pieces inside the basket.

Rachel smiled politely and shook her head. "Sorry, but I'm vegan."

Then she gave her the most genuine smile she had given anyone in the last couple of years.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Six months later

A widely smiling Rachel Berry was staring back at her from a slightly wrinkled poster attached to a dirty wall lining one of the many streets of New York City. "Back to School" was written in golden letters on a dark blue background. At the bottom of the poster, four stars and the words 'Takes you back in time' had been underlined boldly. Quinn had been standing in front of the poster for over five minutes already, failing to notice that she was effectively blocking the way and people were giving her annoyed looks whenever they passed by.

Rachel must've made it after all. Quinn smiled at her ex-girlfriend's face placed in the center of the poster. She was surrounded by smaller figures who looked oddly like some of the glee club members. There was a good-looking guy in a football jacket, a blonde woman in a cheerleader's uniform and a couple of guys in nerd-fashion.

Just when Quinn's eyes traveled back to Rachel, her phone started buzzing and she reached into her pocket to take the call.

"Hello?" she answered.

"Hi, it's Ted, the event manager for the premiere on Saturday. We talked before."

"Yes, I remember," Quinn replied, giving the poster and Rachel a last glance before she slowly started walking down the street.

"I just wanted to let you know that the event will start seven p.m. sharp and you'll be expected on the red carpet around thirty minutes prior."

"What?" Quinn furrowed her brows. "I am just the score composer. Why do I have to walk the red carpet?"

"I guess the director wants you to," Ted explained. "You're an up and coming star in your field anyways. And this movie is expected to become a box-office success."

"If you feel uncomfortable, you can just skip the red carpet," he added when Quinn didn't say anything for a moment.

"No, no. It's okay," Quinn hurried to reply. "I'll be there."

"Okay, great."

"Seven p.m., right?" she asked.

"Yes. Any significant other you'd like to bring?"

Quinn let out a long breath while she shook her head, only realizing after a second that Ted couldn't see her.

"No."

When Quinn hung up Ted's question continued to echo through her head and she couldn't help but remember the day she had last seen Rachel…

XVXVX

Quinn had just stepped out of the building in which the production company had their headquarters, when her phone vibrated. She almost dropped the device as she saw it was a text from Rachel. She hesitated for a moment before she opened the message.

"I'm coming to LA this weekend. I want to talk to you. I hope that's okay with you."

Quinn stared at the three short sentences all the way to her apartment. She became sweaty even though the weather was rather cool compared to the prior months.

When she entered her tiny apartment, she sat on the edge of the sofa and worried her lower lip as she continued to stare at the screen. After a couple of minutes, she took a deep breath and typed with shaky fingers:

"I'm sorry, but I don't want to see you."

A tear ran down her face when the message was marked as read and 'typing' appeared below Rachel's name. The blonde pressed her lips together to prevent herself from sobbing while she selected the settings and blocked Rachel before she could finish writing her answer. Quinn threw the phone towards the other end of the sofa and buried her head in her hands.

She felt terrible for treating Rachel that way, but she was still so incredibly hurt. She hadn't heard from Rachel in weeks and now she suddenly wanted to see her? Quinn dug her fingernails into the flesh of her palms until it hurt. Of course she wanted to see Rachel. She missed her more than anything, but there had to be limit for the rejection and hurt she could take. Rachel had rejected her more than once and her trust in the other woman was gone. Quinn had to put herself first. Just this once. She knew she had to protect her heart or she would go crazy.

She felt like screaming and running until her legs wouldn't carry her anymore, but instead she got up quietly and sat down in front of her piano and started playing all the songs that wouldn't remind her of Rachel.

The weekend in LA was rainy, a rare occurrence nowadays. Quinn pulled up the zipper of her red rain coat as she hurried out of the supermarket next to her apartment building. She was just about to enter into the small yard that enclosed the building, when she noticed a figure sitting on one of the benches lining the paved driveway. She halted her steps abruptly and ducked behind a parked car.

Rachel had somehow gotten her address and had really come to see her. The brunette didn't have an umbrella, so her hair stuck to her face and her clothes were all wet. Yet, Rachel didn't seem to mind; she was sitting still, only occasionally wiping some rainwater from her face.

Quinn gripped her umbrella tighter. She could just walk over to the brunette, cover them both with her umbrella and talk to her. Or she could just walk away, leave her past behind and move on with her life. Rachel surely wouldn't sit there forever.

A few minutes later, the rain still hadn't abated. Rachel rose her head and looked towards the line of parked cars. She thought she had seen a movement from the corner of eye. But even when she squinted, there was no one there.

XVXVX

When Quinn passed by the cafe Rachel had used to work in, she slowly began regretting her decision to come back to New York. Each and every corner would somehow evoke an image of Rachel. The only thing missing would be accidentally running into her, Quinn thought. But in a huge city like New York the chances were almost nonexistent, so she probably wouldn't need to worry about that.

She halted her steps in front of the cafe and looked through the dusty window, which was decorated with flowers. Dim light shone through the glass, creating a long shadow of herself behind her. It was as if the light was magically drawing her close. Sucking her inside the cafe without a chance to fight it.

"One matcha latte with an espresso shot please," she said to the middle-aged woman working behind the counter. Even in her she saw Rachel's face. She remembered the time Rachel made that exact drink for her, smiling at her and kissing her cheek. Quinn shook her head, trying to shake off the thoughts as well.

"Okay, no sugar then," the cashier said.

"W-what?" Quinn asked.

"I asked you if you wanted sugar," the woman said in a slightly annoyed tone.

"Yes, but just a little bit."

When Quinn turned around, she almost dropped her drink at yet another sight of Rachel's face. She briefly closed her eyes in hopes to escape the fantasy, but when she opened them again, it was still right in front of her.

"Quinn?!" a familiar voice said.

Quinn's eyes wandered to the left and she almost dropped her drink again.

"L-Lola?" she stuttered. Then her eyes went back to Rachel and she finally realized that she was standing in front of her for real.

"Oh my god, Quinn. Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" Lola said and pulled Quinn into a hug.

Quinn couldn't reply because her eyes were fixed on Rachel, who still hadn't said anything.

"Hi," Quinn said and raised her hand awkwardly.

"Hi," Rachel replied and gave her a smile, but she seemed to focus on a spot somewhere behind Quinn.

"You look good." And she really did. There was a different aura around her.

"I've been doing therapy," Rachel replied as if that would explain everything.

"I see."

There was an awkward silence for a moment, before Quinn finally noticed the greatest oddity about the situation. "Wait, why are you two hanging out together?"

"We kind of became friends after you left," Lola replied. "We tried to catch you at the airport that day, but we were too late. RIght, Rachel?"

Rachel was visibly uncomfortable as she nodded and mumbled "Yeah."

"You did?" Quinn asked incredulously. She had thought Rachel hadn't even cared that she left.

"So what brings you to New York?" Lola asked.

"The movie I wrote the score for has premiere this weekend," Quinn replied. "I'll just be here for a couple of days."

Quinn's eyes wandered back to Rachel's, but the moment their eyes met, the brunette averted hers. Yet, the brief contact was enough to send Quinn's heart jumping all over her chest.

"Congrats on your show," she said. "I knew you'd get there one day."

"Thanks," Rachel mumbled. "But it's nothing big, really."

"Nothing big?" Lola intervened. "It's Broadway. And critics love you. You're a star, Miss Berry." She turned towards Quinn. "You should definitely watch her show. It's fantastic."

Quinn hesitated to reply, but Rachel was faster than her anyways. "You don't have to, really. I don't think you'd want to see me...on stage."

Quinn swallowed, but she managed to retain her composure.

"Uhm, I have some work to do, so I'll better go," Quinn said. "Maybe we can catch up later," she smiled at Lola, who only raised an eyebrow.

She forced herself to smile and took a step forward. "See you soon."

Just when she reached for the handle of the front door, she heard Rachel's voice behind her.

"Quinn, wait."

Slowly, she turned around and looked at Rachel, who didn't avert her eyes this time.

"Maybe we can meet and talk sometime?"

Quinn had always been able to read in Rachel's eyes like in an open book. She clearly saw the conflicting mixture of hurt and hope in them. She knew it would only take a word to crush that hope, but she didn't say it.

"I'll think about it," she replied.

"Will you?" Rachel asked, her expression unchanged.

"Yes." Quinn held her gaze for another second, before she turned around and walked out the door, into the warm summer evening.

XVXVX

"Whassup bitch?" Santana said, looking uninterested, before she broke into a wide smile and flung her arms around Quinn.

"Me too!" Brittany shrieked and joined them in their hug, only to press them so close together, Quinn was about to ask for air when she finally let them go.

"Come inside." Quinn stepped back and let them walk into the luxurious hotel room the production company had sponsored for her.

"Wow, I see you're living the good life, Q," Santana remarked while she looked around.

"Look there's even snacks," Brittany exclaimed in awe and rushed towards the table to get a better look at the selection.

"I ordered some snacks and wine," Quinn smiled. "Only the best for you."

"Okay, you can stop bragging now," Santana rolled her eyes. "We get that you're rich now."

They sat down at the table and Quinn poured her friends some wine. The hotel boy had told her it was one of the best they offered. When Brittany took the bottle in order to fill Quinn's glass, Quinn stopped her. "I don't drink wine." She reached for the ice tea and smiled at Brittany. "This one's better for me."

"Good girl," Santana said, not able to hide the happiness behind her facade of disinterest. "Was it hard to quit?"

"A little," Quinn smiled, not wanting to explore the details of her joining the AAs for a couple of sessions. But eventually she had found that working out had worked better for her. She traded the bottle for great legs and didn't regret it for a second.

"So where is Rachel?" Brittany asked. "I miss her."

"Britts, I told you they broke up," Santana hissed, before she glanced at Quinn.

"But why don't they make up, so they can be together again?" Brittany pouted. "Like we did?"

"Because we are not as confident as you guys," Quinn replied and gave Brittany a sad smile.

They fell silent for a couple of moments, each of them taking a sip of their drink. "You want her back?" Santana asked suddenly, causing Quinn to choke on her ice tea. She coughed a few times before she replied: "I don't know. But even if I wanted it would be a mistake. It's obvious we're not meant to be."

Santana looked at her for a long moment. "Whose decision is that? If you want it and if she wants it then it's meant to be."

Quinn swirled the ice tea in its glass and watched the sole ice cube slowly melting away. "It's not always that easy."

Santana rolled her eyes. "Sometimes you're a bigger drama queen than Berry."

"And sometimes you're a bigger asshole than Puck," Quinn retorted. The two friends looked at each other angrily for a couple of seconds before they burst into laughter.

"At least none of you wears vests or tracksuits," Brittany commented while she chewed on a piece of baguette with salmon.

XVXVX

The premiere had gone smoothly and Quinn had even managed to smile at the photographers and fans that had gathered along the red carpet. A few people even wanted her autograph, but Quinn wasn't sure whether they actually knew who she were. She had managed to get tickets for her mum and sister, as well as for Brittany and Santana and though Santana said she hated the movie because the male protagonist 'was obnoxious and greasy with a trouty mouth bigger than Sam's' she had admitted she had enjoyed the music.

Now they were gathered at the after-party, each holding a glass of champagne and Quinn one filled with juice. "This is the most boring party I've ever been at," Brittany complained. "No one's dancing."

"I agree," Santana looked around, not even one bit impressed by the celebrities mixing among the party guests.

"Wow, look! There's Rachel Bloom and Gabrielle Ruiz," Quinn's sister gasped and poked her in the side. "Do you think I can try to talk to them?"

Quinn rubbed her rips and shrugged. "You can try. Maybe you're lucky."

When her sister and her mum went to make some celebrity friends, Santana leaned over to her. "How about ditching these people and go to a real party? You know the kind where people dance and behave like horny animals."

"You mean a club?"

"Of course I mean a club," Santana deadpanned. "So what do you think?"

"I don't know," Quinn bit her lower lip as she through about Santana's suggestion.

"Oh come on. Who knows when we'll be hanging out like this again? All three of us together?" Santana slung her arm around Quinn's shoulders and wiggled her eyebrows.

"I guess I can't say no to that," Quinn sighed while Brittany clapped in excitement.

XVXVX

"This place isn't bad for a normal club," Kurt appreciated, surrounding the word normal with air quotation marks. "Gay clubs have better music though."

"This isn't a normal club," Lola said and also put a pair of air quotation marks around normal. "It's for anyone and everyone who wants to dance and have fun. Everything else doesn't matter."

"I'm so glad you're not living with Mrs. Green anymore," Kurt remarked. "You never joined parties when you lived with her."

Rachel just rolled her eyes. "Let's not talk about her." She took a sip from her Cuba Libre while she looked around a little intimidated. "I haven't been to a real club in quite a while. I'm not sure I can dance anymore," she said.

"Don't worry about that," Kurt placed his hand on her shoulder and pointed at himself. "Me and this friend here," he pointed at the cocktail in Rachel's hand, "will surely make you dance."

He looked at Lola and the two shared a meaningful look, making Rachel wonder if something was going on she didn't know about. But she quickly forgot about it when a new song was played. Yet another EDM song dealing with love. She sighed. She hadn't heard from Quinn again, so she had been quite depressed the past couple of days. Thankfully her therapist had prevented her from sliding into another depressive slump over it.

When Lola had suddenly suggested to go clubbing together, her first impulse had been to decline, but the more she had thought about it, the more the image of thinking about something else than Quinn had started to appeal to her.

And Kurt had been right. Just half an hour and another cocktail later she found herself in the middle of the dance floor, dancing with Kurt and Lola, just feeling the music and the movements of her body. She wasn't drunk, but sufficiently intoxicated to let go of her fears and reluctance.

When the DJ started mixing some reggaeton into the song selection, people's dance moves became more physical and Rachel had a hard time escaping some notorious guys, who didn't seem to notice or mind her disinterest in them. When one of them started dancing into her direction again, a tall and slender woman suddenly intercepted his movements and pulled Rachel into her arms, twirling her around. Rachel couldn't believe her eyes when she recognized Brittany.

"What are you doing here?!" she shouted over the music.

"I'm dancing!" Brittany replied with a wide smile. "And you?"

"I guess, I'm dancing too!" Rachel laughed. "Is Santana here too?"

Brittany didn't reply but lifted her from the ground, whirled them around and let her go a few feet towards the middle of the dance floor, where Rachel ran straight into Santana's arms. The Latina had a devilish grin on her face as she leaned forward and shouted into Rachel's ear: "Have fun Berry, and don't mess it up!" Then she took Rachel's hand and walked another couple of steps towards the middle of the dance floor. Since she was taller than Rachel, the diva wasn't able to see where they were going.

Santana turned around once more and grinned. Then she tapped someone's shoulder and quickly stepped out of the way. Rachel froze when she saw the person turning around was Quinn. The blonde equally halted her movements, her mouth slightly agape.

Rachel glanced around, but Santana had already disappeared into the crowd. When she looked back at Quinn she couldn't help but take in her beauty. She was wearing a red dress that looked expensive and her hair was beautifully curled, making her look like some kind of princess.

The two looked at each other and suddenly it was as if the music were muted and the people around them blurred and became one with the background. That was until someone bumped into Rachel from behind and made her trip forward, right into Quinn.

"Sorry," Rachel mouthed and only now she noticed that Quinn had placed her hands on her arms to prevent her from falling. In a sober state she probably would've taken a step back, but the second drink had gotten in her head and made her bolder than she was. Or maybe as bold as she actually was. Instead of retreating she closed their distance some more and placed her hands on Quinn's shoulders.

Quinn looked surprised, scared even, but she didn't shriek back either. "Can I have just this one dance?" Rachel asked.

Quinn nodded and placed her hands on Rachel's waist. Her touch was light like a butterfly's feet on a flower petal.

"This isn't exactly the kind of music I was hoping for, but I can work with it!" Rachel shouted over the loud EDM music. Quinn looked at her for a second before she started laughing and Rachel couldn't even remember when she had seen her laughing like that the last time. It was as if she had discovered a new Quinn. One that had been hidden under layers and layers of the misery Rachel had projected onto her.

Quinn's touch around her waist became firmer and Rachel really had to restrain herself not to lean into her and kiss her. She still loved Quinn, so much was sure. And she wanted nothing more than to talk to her about what had happened and how she had changed. But she wasn't sure whether Quinn would listen. Whether there was anything left between them that would be worth to get her hopes up one last time.

For now all she could do was to enjoy the moment, look up into Quinn's eyes and engrave every detail of her face into her memory, so she could recall it in case she would never see her again.

Rachel bit her lower lip while she wondered whether she should just try to lean forward. Just a little bit. There wasn't anything to lose, right? She slowly shifted her weight forward until there was less than an inch of sticky air left between their torsos. Quinn didn't make any move to come closer herself, but at least she didn't back away.

Rachel's eyes were wandering along Quinn's neck, over her lips, her nose and finally she was meeting her eyes again.

"Rachel," Quinn said so quietly, Rachel could only interpret the movements of her mouth. Feeling bold, the brunette pulled Quinn a little closer, her heart beating rapidly when she noticed Quinn was slowly lowering her head towards her lips.

Rachel closed her eyes in anticipation, but then Quinn's warmth was gone.

"I'm sorry, I can't," the blonde said before she pushed Rachel away and disappeared in the crowd.

Rachel remained frozen in place, until she felt strong arms, which she recognized as Kurt's wrapping around her. When she looked up she saw Santana, Brittany and Lola all looking at her with sympathy. Of course they had planned the whole thing. If she hadn't been as devastated as she was, she would've rolled her eyes at the obviousness of their actions.

"I knew Q would act like a coward once again," Santana said and shook her head.

"What are you waiting for?" Brittany asked. "You should go after her!" Lola nodded in agreement.

Rachel looked up at Kurt who hadn't said anything yet. "What do you think?"

"Give it one last try. And if she doesn't want to talk, it's time to forget her once and for all."

Rachel nodded before she slipped out of his embrace.

"She went that way." Santana pointed towards the club's exit.

While Rachel made her way outside, people pushed into her from all sides, dancing and laughing as if they hadn't even one worry in the world. When she had finally reached the entrance and pushed the door open, she was met with cool air and a sight that sent her right down the memory lane with images as vivid as if it had been only yesterday.

XVXVX

Summer 2013

When she stepped outside the restaurant, it was already dark outside and a cool breeze instantly cooled the sweat that had accumulated in her neck.

She looked around until she saw the white of Quinn's dress standing out from the dark. The blonde had rested her back against the post of a street light. One of her knees was bend, the sole of her converse flat against the post. Her hair had grown again, almost reaching her shoulder blades. She was looking at the sky and seemed to be thinking about something.

Rachel made a few steps in her direction, quietly and tentatively, as if she were afraid to ruin the most beautiful scene she had ever witnessed.

"Hey," she said.

Quinn turned around in surprise. "Rachel?"

Rachel smiled timidly as she stepped closer. "Feeling suffocated again?" she asked.

"Yeah," Quinn admitted.

"How have you been?" she asked quietly.

"Not bad," Quinn replied. She seemed a little awkward and insecure, so Rachel started wondering whether she might not want to talk to her. Maybe she should've let her alone. Yet, something in Quinn's expression told her that she shouldn't go away. At least for the moment.

Rachel followed Quinn's gaze and to her surprise she could make out countless stars scattered over the dark sky. Living in a city like New York, she had almost forgotten how a star-lit night sky looked like.

"I'm sorry," Rachel said.

"For what?" Quinn asked and Rachel could feel her eyes burning into her profile.

"For failing at the whole being-a-friend-thing. I wanted to see you, but-"

"It's okay," Quinn said. "I know you're busy. Becoming a star and all that stuff."

Rachel had nothing to say to that, because it was true. She thought she would be proud telling her friends she was too occupied to do anything other than follow her dream, but all she felt was emptiness. She wished she could just come home to somebody who would hug her and tell her everything was going to be okay instead of meeting people she didn't like just for the sake of growing her network. Yet she felt farther than ever from achieving her dream.

"Can I ask you something?" Quinn's voice cut through the silence.

Rachel detached her gaze from the sky and looked at the blonde. Had the tiny wrinkle under her left eye always been there? Or had it appeared during the one year she didn't see her? Rachel wondered whether she looked any different in Quinn's eyes.

"Sure," she said.

"Uhm, I know you probably don't really care about it, but do you remember our promise?"

"The one we made on graduation day?" Rachel asked, her heart hammering in her chest. "Of course I do," she replied and directed her gaze towards her black ballerina flats. "How could I forget?"

She knew what Quinn's next question would be. She closed her eyes briefly, imagining what it might be like if she told her the whole truth about how she felt at the moment.

"You're seeing someone, right?" Quinn asked quietly.

Rachel hesitated. She thought of Quinn and herself holding hands, walking through central park on a sunny day in autumn. She thought about coming home after her unforgiving instructor scolded her singing once more and finding Quinn there, a book and a cup of tea in front of her. Then she thought about the guy she was seeing in order to advance her musical career. She thought about his large Rolex, metallic and flashy. And she thought about his abs he liked to show off on Facebook, but she found them disgusting.

Her heart knew what she liked better, but her lips formed a quiet: "Yeah."

She still couldn't bear to look at Quinn, but she could almost hear the blonde's heart break once more. Her 'I thought so' didn't sound very convincing in Rachel's ears. If only she had given Quinn a chance back then. Back in high school when things had been so much easier.

"How about you?" Rachel asked, even though she knew it didn't matter anymore.

"I had someone I was seeing for a while, but we didn't really connect. I ended it some time ago," Quinn replied and Rachel wasn't sure whether she felt relieved or sad to hear that.

"I'm sorry to hear that," she said, because it was what people said in situations like this.

"No, I'm happy being single," Quinn said. "And of course I know that our promise was only meant as a joke." She laughed while Rachel's heart sunk. She had thought it would've meant something to her. That she meant something to her. But apparently the impression that Quinn still liked her somehow had been wrong. Maybe it was better that way. At least it would imply that Rachel hadn't broken her heart once again and that she didn't have to feel guilty about the things she said earlier.

"Yeah, I know," Rachel just mumbled.

"So tell me about that boy of yours," Quinn said.

"He's just a guy from NYADA," Rachel lied. She didn't want to talk about it and hoped she would stop asking.

From the corner of her eye, she saw Quinn getting into an upright position, her white dress almost glowing in the dark. She looked like an angel. A car approached and as the headlights reached them, for a brief second she could make out every tiny detail of Quinn's face. If she reached out just a little bit she would be able to touch her cheek. How would it feel beneath her palm?

"Does he love you?" Quinn asked before the short illumination was over and they were left in darkness again.

"I don't know," Rachel replied. 'Most probably not,' she thought.

Quinn came even closer, but didn't seem to have any intention to touch Rachel. "Do you love him?"

Rachel just looked at the blonde. How could she respond to that? No, she didn't. But what would that say about her and the person she had become? She figured it was too late for the truth now, so it might be better to just keep quiet.

Rachel looked into Quinn's eyes, which were looking back at her as they always had. Why hadn't she seen it before? There is was, just waiting to be discovered. The hurt, the disappointment, but also traces of affection.

Rachel wanted to tell her 'Don't wait for me. I'm not worth it', but she couldn't, because her heart screamed 'Don't forget me, Quinn!'.

"You're still the prettiest girl I've ever met, you know?" she said quietly.

'Please don't forget me,' she thought while she broke through the invisible wall between them and placed her lips on Quinn's.

When she felt Quinn's lips on hers, she realized that this was right. That this was the way it was supposed to feel. However, she couldn't allow herself to delve deeper into that feeling. And she couldn't get Quinn's hopes up. She had to end it before it began. So she pulled back and turned around quickly, because she didn't want to see the confusion in Quinn's eyes.

"I'll better go back inside," she mumbled and ignored Quinn calling her name to hold her back even though it pierced right through her heart. A tear ran down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away before she entered the restaurant.

'I'm sorry,' she said so quietly, it never reached Quinn's ears.

XVXVX

As Rachel approached Quinn, her heart started beating faster and her palms grew sweaty.

Quinn was leaning against a wall near the club entrance, surrounded by a couple of people who had come out to catch some fresh air. She was looking at the night sky, even though there were no stars to see.

Rachel leaned against the wall next to her and cleared her throat. Quinn flinched but she didn't walk away.

"You found me," she stated.

"I always do."

"No, you don't."

"Right," Rachel sighed. "I don't."

Silence fell over them as Rachel tried to form a clear thought. "No cigarette?" she asked eventually.

"I quit," Quinn replied.

"Good," Rachel tried to smile, but it didn't work. "I went to LA to see you."

Quinn lowered her head and looked at the ground. "I know."

"You know?" Rachel asked in surprise.

"I saw you."

Neither of them said anything for a minute. The dull bass coming from the club mixed with people talking near them, which made it hard for Rachel to concentrate. She sighed and rubbed her forehead.

"Why didn't you want to see me?"

Quinn rose hear head and looked at her. "I had to forget you. I couldn't get over you for years. This time I really needed to do it for my own sake."

"And did you?" Rachel asked. "Get over me, I mean?"

Quinn looked at her for a long moment. "No," she replied eventually before she turned around and walked away.


End file.
